How long will I feel like this ?

[Raffles]

On the 5th November my husband was admitted as a permanent resident to an EMI Nursing Home with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. He didn't want to stay there even though he was told it was just for a couple of weeks respite while I had some rest and attended my hospital appointments. When I visited the next day he didn't mention coming home, I have visited every day and he hasn't asked just says OK when I say I am going now so I haven't mentioned it either. He just looks so sad and confused when I leave I just cry all the way home. When I get back to my empty bungalow I feel as if I have thrown him out of his own home without telling him he is never coming back. I thought I would be able to have a nights sleep when I didn't have to get up between 5 and 7 times a night to him but I can't. I feel sad and lonely and just want to cry.
It's a good home apart from teething problems which I am gradually sorting out. I am worrying all the time about him I know they are looking after him but not as an individual who could read his needs as I could after nearly 66 years wed.
I feel so alone.

 

[Grannie G]

I don`t know what to say to you Raffles. There is nothing I can say to make it better.

You must have made the decision for residential care for a good reason, as a last resort as we all did, but after 66 years together there`s no other feeling for you than deep sadness.

I do hope you will realise you can still care for your husband when you visit him and having someone to share the caring will give you more restful time with him.

 

[kayze]

Hi raffles,
So sorry to hear you are feeling so sad and lonely, sorry I have no experience of loved one being In a care home and the feelings it evokes.
I am also sitting at home crying just posted myself.
I just wanted hi and give you an internet ((hug))

Best wishes
Kayze.

 

[Raffles]

Hi raffles,
So sorry to hear you are feeling so sad and lonely, sorry I have no experience of loved one being In a care home and the feelings it evokes.
I am also sitting at home crying just posted myself.
I just wanted hi and give you an internet ((hug))

Best wishes
Kayze.

Sorry to hear you to are feeling sad tonight, thank you for your kind thoughts.

 

[jawuk]

You have my sympathy Raffles, it's a miserable feeling. There must have been very pressing need for his admission and I don't doubt that it must have been an awful physical and mental strain on you caring for him at home. Try to keep in mind why he was admitted and keep visiting him - there's still a great deal of really individual caring you can give him and in time you'll be rested and able to bear with this massive change better.

 

[keywest67]

I have such sympathy for you, we were in much the same situation with Dad, me and Mum felt so guilty but we had to do it as a last resort for our own sanity and health, at the end of the day a care home can provide 24/7 care with people who understand the disease and can help provide a better quality of life for your husbands needs......it's impossible to look after someone on your own with no sleep or time yourself, in the end you would suffer and you need to look after yourself as you still have your life........the home all allow you to spend total quality time with your husband, you can still care for him but you have help and support.
I know what a difficult path this is, I write this from my dad's bedside in hospital, he has pneumonia and its been harrowing watching him , he is still with us but won't be long now, my heart is broken at what this disease does to family's, my thoughts are with you.

 

[truth24]

Sorry to read your post, Raffles. My husband went into residential care in July and I felt exactly the same as you. I think if you read our posts you will find we all have similar feelings of guilt, that we have left our loved ones without a life just so that we can live our own. Don't think they will ever leave us. Unfortunately it comes with the illness and there is very little we can do about it other than to try to reassure yourself, and by being comforted by all TPers, that you have done your very best and that he is getting more care now than you can ever provide. That's what keeps us going, that and the way we understand what each other is going through. Hope this makes sense to you. I know it's not an answer you want to hear but we are all here to comfort you when you want to express your feelings. We are the virtual friends you can turn to in your aloneness because we are all in the same place and understand only too well. Sending a big hug.

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[pamann]

Hello Raffles l am so sad for you, it must be awful after being with your husband for such a long time, you will feel lost, as l would if my hubby has to go into care, l dread this happening but l know it will. My thoughts are with you, ♥♥♥

Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Chuggalug]

On the 5th November my husband was admitted as a permanent resident to an EMI Nursing Home with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. He didn't want to stay there even though he was told it was just for a couple of weeks respite while I had some rest and attended my hospital appointments. When I visited the next day he didn't mention coming home, I have visited every day and he hasn't asked just says OK when I say I am going now so I haven't mentioned it either. He just looks so sad and confused when I leave I just cry all the way home. When I get back to my empty bungalow I feel as if I have thrown him out of his own home without telling him he is never coming back. I thought I would be able to have a nights sleep when I didn't have to get up between 5 and 7 times a night to him but I can't. I feel sad and lonely and just want to cry.
It's a good home apart from teething problems which I am gradually sorting out. I am worrying all the time about him I know they are looking after him but not as an individual who could read his needs as I could after nearly 66 years wed.
I feel so alone.

I personally don't think any of us who have lived with this illness, alongside it, day by day will ever forget what it is like. We will never be the same again.

I wish I knew what to tell you, Raffles. On the one hand, I'm glad he is able to have care such as you've described. Now, you need a shoulder to cry on, because it hurts, so much.

I know we can all cry here, and be with each other, but have you a friend you can call on, just to have someone to be with?

 

[jaymor]

Raffles, just over two and a half years ago I was in the same position as you. My husband was going into an assessment unit to as I believed, have his medication sorted to try to take away his torment and his constant self harming.

He was going to day care on the morning and from there to the assessment unit. He thought he was going for an appointment not to be a resident whilst things were sorted. So on the morning he left the house thinking he was returning on the evening. I knew he was not returning that evening as we had been told it would take several weeks to observe and the assess the effects of changes in medication but he would be coming home a few weeks down the line.

Sadly he never returned home because in just three short weeks they saw enough to know his care would be too complex for care at home even with the most robust care plan. He needed nursing care in a care home specialising in challenging behaviour.

It took me a very long time to get out of my head that day he had walked out of the front door never to return to the house that had been our home the whole of our 46 years of marriage. The little house we bought as newly weds that he had turned into a large family home, building and extending until it was nothing like the house we bought.

The care he now receives, the care the home give to us as a family and his contentment makes it a little easier for me but there are times when I see him walking out of the door, I can even remember what he was wearing that day. It is hard but I now know if he was to have any peace from this dreadful disease we needed to heed the advice we were given by the professionals caring for him.

Sadly there are things we have to live with that are hurting us so much but if it makes life better for our other half then we have to.

Please take care and please accept my understanding and support,

Jay

 

[Dustycat]

I feel the same. My Dad has been in care for 9 days and I feel I have abandoned him. From being a full on carer it's lovely to have some time to myself but I feel guilty at cajoling my dad into care and forgetting about him. I know I have done the right thing and I guess it takes time to adjust but I wish the guilt monster would go and do one. ..... x

 

[Gigglemore]

Dear Raffles - so sorry you feel very alone, the house must indeed seem very empty after so many years of sharing with your husband. I wonder if you might go to your GP and ask for some short-term help with sleeping tablets to get you through this difficult period and get into a sleeping pattern after so many nights of disrupted sleep.

It won't lessen the pain of your separation, but if you are able to get some rest it may give you more resilience to deal with everything.

Hoping things look less bleak for you soon.