Au Pair carers - anyone tried this?

[Frank68]

Hi - feeling rather guilty as I have not visited the Forum for a while…… just finding the time is such a challenge. Sorry I have not been in to support others….
I was reading Redpoppy's thread New Behaviour (begun 29-09-14) as we had some stuff in common a year ago - and again found quite a lot in this thread that is akin to where I am at now, and which also touches on the area in which I am wondering if anyone has any experience to share.
Bit of background: My wife has deteriorated quite a bit over the past 12 months, still picks endlessly at spots/bites but the ploy of using sticking plasters on the resultant infections plus using a tiny amount of Elidel cream keeps further problems at bay. I now have to supervise pretty much everything - showering, hygiene, clothing (btw M&S have been brilliant at assisting us in store with choosing the correct sizes of clothing such as bras etc!), and she cannot go out on her own any more. Two major sadnesses in this period: A. Our eldest daughter has moved to Oregon with her husband's job - we miss them and our grandson very much. Now 2 of our 3 children - and 3 of the grandchildren are living abroad. Wonderfully our youngest daughter is till just 30 miles away and has had a baby which Sue adores and he likewise. B. We have had to sell our sailing boat - Sue just stepped off into the sea as we were approaching our marina berth, which if it hadn't been for 2 passers-by could have been serious. This may seem to be peripheral, but sailing, cruising and racing, has been our passion for 40+ years so this is a very real blow to me. Our retirement plan was to go cruising long-distance but the AD began, I now realise, as soon as Sue retired 9 years ago; so that plan had to be aborted just 2 years in. The last few years, with a smaller boat, we stayed in the Solent with the kind help of friends and also harbour / marina operators who fell over themselves to assist, so we stretched it as far as I dared in line with what I have tried to do: keep life as normal as possible as long as possible!
So now we are going to be much more home-bound I guess - which prospect gets me down as Sue always wants to be with me at every turn - which is mostly fine, but it would just be nice sometimes to have someone to share the responsibility, the frustrations, and indeed the work. As the thread mentioned above noted, doing any activity that does not directly engage Sue is frustrating for her - she will usually "disappear" into the bedroom to shuffle her clothes / handbags / drawers etc etc.
Thinking abut respite, our daughter-in-law mentioned that when they had been looking for an au pair she had noticed that some agencies are now offering au pairs for "elderly care". I searched on line and sure enough there are some such agencies around and indeed some prospective au pairs offering to work with the elderly / dementia sufferers. Some of those seeking positions are from outside the EU which might mean visa problems, but there are also some from within the EU. The usual form seems to be that the pay is expected to be more than if they were working with kids, but compared with homes / agencies it would seem to be more realistic given the available budget. We have a suitably large room with TV and bathroom upstairs (we live down and have our own en suite).
I can see some potential advantages: the same person around and living en famille rather than different people every visit. A contract might be for a year. It would be great to have some rational conversation around the house!
I can see some potential disadvantages: the person might "do a runner"; they will probably be untrained (but so am I!); Sue might not take to them or the idea - though she is pretty amenable and friendly.
So…. has anyone any experience to share please? or advice?
Regards to all..

 

[Miss Merlot]

No experience to share, but my impressions of au pairs (and admittedly I don't have any first hand experience) is that they are often young, unreliable and just in it for the chance to live abroad - not someone who I would necessarily equate with being a primary carer for an Alzheimers sufferer....

 

[seasong]

Hello,

I would also agree that "Alzheimer's au pairs" would most likely be unreliable (also untrained to deal with older people...let alone AD sufferers), and do a runner with no notice or reason. I believe in most cases they are opportunistic, and just want to seize the chance of getting a job (or live abroad) when they have no qualifications to do anything else.

I am well familiar (i.e.know of cases) within other EU countries (France, Greece, Italy) where this exact thing happens. They leave with no notice no matter how well they are treated just because they are not professional and see this as a chance for getting a salary for a short while (can be days, weeks, few months).

My advice would be to avoid them...although I understand the solution seems attractive for many reasons (same person, living in, price). Of course, there is a very slim chance you will "hit the jackpot" and find someone who is different from what I described.

Warmest wishes.

 

[Tin]

I have past experience of placing au pairs with families, initially they are here to learn English and so therefore attend a college, usually very young and would definitely have a social life, low salary maybe? normally only asked to work up to 25 hours per week. Back in the 1998 I once placed a young Italian as au pair/companion for elderly lady, but only over the summer months. Of course since then EU rules have probably changed all this, but I have to say, can't see it working. Know its only a title, but wouldn't it be better if you were to look for a 'housekeeper/companion' how about checking out 'The Lady' magazine. It's been a long time since my days in this field, so maybe this info is so out of date and me too?

 

[halojones]

Sorry Frank to read your story, what a sad and difficult time for you and your family, its a lot off loss in one go....As for the aupair, the potential for it to go wrong is all there, it would be hard to find the good one in amongst the not so good...and Tin has given excellent advice...You are lucky to have the room, so I would suggest finding a home help, doesn't even have to be live in??or what about a student, who could live in and help?You must make proper checks as you could be vulnerable to any bad apples, maybe someone who has experience of dementia, as in a family member, ?, you must make clear and conscise working hours and what is expected etc, ,in writing...You could advertise locally, or the lady magazine, I do think it is a good idea, but it may take a little bit of time to find the right person, but they are out there...Also, do you go to the Alz De Cafe, get in touch with the carers centre, and ask for a support worker who will come to see you, I have one and she is great... if you can , go, its really helpful and its good to mix with others, you could also Skype your family..What about Day Care for your wife, would she be able to go? You must go out sailing again, when you get the home help, what an amazing time you have had, I love the sea, (never sailed) , it will be what you need, so don't let this illness take everything.....congratulations on your new grandchild, a new baby is lovely...Good luck with finding help xxx

 

[Kevinl]

So much of what you say Frank rings bells, I have a canal narrowboat and I sometimes wonder how much longer we can keep doing it, however, we can keep it in a marina on a jetty and just treat it as a floating caravan, have you thought about getting a motorhome or a caravan? A static caravan would give you somewhere else to go outside the house or a motorhome or touring caravan and the world is your oyster.
Bringing in an au pair inside the EU might be easy but from outside the EU you may have to act as a guarantor and which ever way you will have a stranger living with you.
Whilst I'm sure they'll be in the main they will be very nice honest people should they not be you'd be very exposed to being exploited in a number of ways.
If I were you I'd analysis of you want a housekeeper for washing, ironing and cleaning, a companion for her so she has someone to occupy her time and keep her engaged while you're busy or a sitter so you can keep up some of your social life work out what is best and look around locally.
Final point technically with an au pair you'll be an employer so insurance, duty of care, tax and national insurance and all that, I know the law on au pairs is different to employers but the fundamentals are the same.
K

 

[Miss Merlot]

Frank, this scheme may be exactly what you're looking for - we have it in mind for MIL too.

http://www.theguardian.com/money/2012/jan/06/homeshare-scheme-tackle-housing-crisis

 

[malomm]

Having trouble with TP app. Just wanted to comment that here in Italy; where social services are notable for their absence; live-in carers are very common and successful solution. Usually more mature Polish or Ukrainian women, and a very good job they do too. Less common nowadays Filipino or Sri Lankan ladies, but still very competent.
keep smiling,
malomm

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Frank68]

Thanks everyone..

Well, thank you to all responders. Quite a variety of thought!
Miss Merlot - I looked up that link thank you. It sounds great but the Homeshare scheme is quite limited in its geographical spread and is not operational in this area. I have sent a email to them to enquire, however.
Maiomm's contribution from Italy was interesting - it does happen elsewhere too. Our daughter-in-law is Chinese-Malaysian and in Malaysia the elderly are looked after in the family home very often with live-in help. The eastern culture is of course, very different, which is why it was interesting to hear about Italy which is more similar to the UK.
Thanks for words of caution … yes, I would need to be very careful about references and contracts. One idea I had was to follow a common practice in parts of the holiday industry where a lowish monthly wage is paid but a largish bonus at the end of the contract. Not certain about the need for training - I (and I guess most of us?) have had to learn on the job and still learn every day. I tend to think that if the heart is in the right place…
Anyway, I think I will pursue the idea a bit further - and more comments advice still welcome - and if anything comes of it I will post.
Thanks again everyone.
Frank