Upset by comments from carer - is she right?

[lin1]

Hello Kittyann
I would be spitting if I were you. I have done 24/7 caring , you have my sympathy.

Please don't get me wrong, In one way I do understand that carer but you cant live your life online, nor should you be expected to.
Their were times I had to leave my mum and dad for a while, mum was in advanced stages at the time . was virtually bedridden could only walk with support . my dad however was recovering from a nasty head injury he was like a two yr old who could get up to anything, he did not have dementia and thankfully is nearly but not quite back to his old self.

You are fully entitled to time off, by that I mean regularly and just to do what you want to do , rather than rushing around the supermarket at warp speed.

I am in full agreement with everyone above but especially Garnuft and Lindy.

Apologies if you have already done this recently. You are entitled to a carers assessment of your own needs . So please contact social services to arrange one.

I also found these charities very helpful.
If your mum is over think it is 60 , Age UK run a lot of things, know whats available in your area .

If you have Crossroads care in your area, they provide A regular trained carer to sit with a person to give you some free time . I am out of touch with their fees.
http://www.carers.org/what-crossroads-care-scheme

 

[Kevinl]

Probably just covering their bum, when the career leaves her alone she/he could be seen as the last person in charge, hence the one who left her on her own, if it ever came to court. They have reported the concern so "ass covered and over to you" if anything does happen in the 10 minutes.
As professionals I believe it is OK they have identified this issue of concern, made you aware and thereby transferred the risk to you if you're not happy with that then OK.
Leaving anyone be it children or the old alone always carries a risk, what if your car breaks down, you get held up in traffic, a medical emergency?
I do 24/7 with my wife, joined at he hip as they say, no hours or days off and if I hired someone to do some hours I'd fit around what I paid them to do, thank them for their concern and carry on.
K

 

[Witzend]

I'm not surprised you're so upset. I suppose she thought she was doing her 'duty' but she had apparently not considered that nobody caring on their own can ever possibly watch someone every minute - what about when you are in the loo, hoovering upstairs, having a shower, answering the door, cooking, you name it. Nobody can watch everybody every minute even with supposed 24/7 care in a CH, unless it's the very rare one to one. A carer at my mother's very good CH told me how one of the residents fell and broke his arm while she was just a few feet away, but with her back turned while she was pouring out their glasses of squash.

When you are constantly tired and under stress with caring, and doing your valiant best, I think you are particularly vulnerable to ill-advised comments like this. It was doubtless well meant but very ill thought through, IMO - do please try to forget it and put it behind you.

 

[Kittyann]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling better about it today after the combination of your responses and a nights sleep!

Kevini - I just wanted to ask you a question. You say you're with your wife 24/7, you don't have any hours or days off and you don't employ any carers. How do you manage to get things like shopping and sundry other bits of administration and appointments that are part of life done? Any tips would be welcome because I find that even if I had no social outlet whatsoever it would still be impossible to manage to get everything done without ever leaving the house. And it is not always possible to fit everything round the one and a half hours a day external care I get.

 

[babystar]

I guess you try not to take it as a personal dig at you, however if they have concerns they should just raise them and have done- not start telling you how you should get your shopping delivered!

It's very hard having to let a stranger become involved in you and your Mum's personal life as it is without feeling judged. I get rubbed up the wrong way by one of Mum's who talks to me like she knows Mum so much better than me, and what is good for her. She is not interested in anything I say. The other day she reported her concerns that Mum's meal list for the week had disappeared (think Mum must have thrown it away) and that there hadn't been a replacement.

I hate to use the word jobsworth but sometimes this is the way some carers come across.

Assume this was just a genuine comment but it's how things are said rather than what's said.

 

[Tomjo]

I think that this carer tackled this situation in a tactless and insensitive way, and I think her comments and your upset have unearthed several points for you to ponder:

1) You need time to yourself, probably far more than you are getting. As someone else said, you are entitled to a carer's review. I had one recently and found the person who visited me extremely sympathetic and helpful. She told me that she was able to apply for discretionary payments to carers to pay for, for example, some hours / extra hours of paid care.

2) I would be checking on the care provider's programme of induction for new carers - I would be asking whether they have any input about constructive ways of raising concerns with family members - point out that you were left feeling upset and 'got at' which ultimately is not good for your mother. I'm sure this woman was covering her own position in that she was leaving your mother alone - perhaps you could sign a waver for the company if they want one?

3) You absolutely have the right to leave your mum alone for short periods as and when you feel it is necessary or relatively safe to do so. The kindest thing any health care professional ever said to me was the nurse who looked after my mum when I took her to hospital following a bad fall last year. She had fallen face first into the coffee table and I said I felt so guilty because I knew she wasn't that well and should have stayed over the previous night. This wonderful nurse said 'look, unless you staple your mother to your leg, she is always going to be at risk of something - she could have fallen while you were making a cup of tea.'
That nurse was absolutely right. I don't blame myself for mishaps any more. These things happen - you missing out on the one bit of enjoyment / stress busting you have in your week isn't going to make her much safer ... and think how much better you are able to cope after a session at the choir.

Big hugs to you, know that you are a wonderful caring daughter and you are doing a great job. She wouldn't get that level of personal care in a home, that's for sure.

 

[wonderwoman]

Same position

I too am in the same position, I have carers for sits and i am frequently late they never leave dad until i get home. She should not be in the jobs if she cannot give and take these things happen, ask if you can have another carer one with more understanding. I think we become very sensitive i also become very upset when a cpn suggested my dads should go in care home, I look after him 24 hours a day he has one to one care day and night, how can he be better off a care home. I also gave up work to look after him and i am only child, i felt that the last couple of years that i looked after him has been in vain.

I've spent most of today alternating between crying and feeling furious about a conversation I had with one of Mum's carers this PM and wondered what others who may have been in the same position feel. Please bear with me while I try and make a very long story short.

I'm an only child and have been caring for my Mum at home since she was diagnosed with vascular dementia three years ago. In the past year her condition has deteriorated hugely. To the extent that I have given up work in order to look after her. I get one and a half hours a day help from external carers but the other 22.5 hours are mostly down to me (friends and family occasionally sit with her so I can get a few hours break and see friends.) Recently I reorganised the hours in the care package so that I could return to a choir I used to sing in - I'd given up for the past year as I couldn't leave Mum alone for the 2.5 hours the weekly rehearsal lasts and I didn't want to ask friends to sign up for sitting with her for that amount of time every week.

Anyway to get to the point - the carer allocated to the task has to leave at 10pm and 8 get home from choir between 10.05 and 10.10. So Mum is alone for five to ten minutes. Today the carer who comes on a Saturday morning said "I was talking to x (the carer who sits with Mum when I go to rehearsal) and she is very concerned about your Mum being alone when she leaves and was asking me is it a regular occurrence because you know it only takes a minute for something to go wrong." I said what could I do? It was only five minutes and also I do have to leave Mum alone for the odd half hour here and there while I go to the shops or pick up prescriptions for her etc. The carer said, " well could you not shop online and get things delivered, you really shouldn't be leaving her alone atall."

I was so upset. I mean, I've given up my job to care for my Mum and I do everything for her for the 22.5 hours a day I'm on my own with her. This includes washing, dealing with her incontinence, trying to get her to eat, coping with the extreme anxiety and abuse her "sun downing" generates and also frequently having sleepless nights when she gets out of bed up to six times during the night. I haven't had a holiday for two years so is it really so terrible if I leave her alone for very short periods every now and then?

Frankly the cares comments made me feel like I was mistreating my mum rather than doing the best I can and I was terribly upset.

So am I wrong to think the carer was being unfair?

Sorry for the length of this post by the way.

 

[Kevinl]

Kevini - I just wanted to ask you a question. You say you're with your wife 24/7, you don't have any hours or days off and you don't employ any carers. How do you manage to get things like shopping and sundry other bits of administration and appointments that are part of life done? Any tips would be welcome because I find that even if I had no social outlet whatsoever it would still be impossible to manage to get everything done without ever leaving the house. And it is not always possible to fit everything round the one and a half hours a day external care I get.

My wife has no mobility issues so everywhere I go she goes too. We go out every day (I make a point of doing it) either to the shops, dentist, bank or just for a walk anything so we're not in the house all day every day. I still work (from home) but have to do all the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, gardening and all that. If she were housebound then that would be different. Social outlets are manageable if your friends understand the situation and you have an exit strategy if it starts to go wrong.
I've done the AZ thing before for 3 years with my late Mum and its now been a couple of years with my wife, it's less than perfect and I'm still relatively young (in fact I'll be 59 in 48 minutes time) but I've not found anything insurmountable yet.
K

 

[Lindy50]

Happy Birthday Kevinl x

Sorry to go off post...or off piste.....but it has to be said! Enjoy x

 

[Kathphlox]

Hold on a minute, who is this so called carer? She's employed by you!

Do you know that you can bar that carer from visiting ever again.

I learned after one carer wiped dad's soiled behind with his facecloth, never to put up with that treatment again.

I did it twice after that, once with a poor standard carer who lost the house keys when they should have been replaced in the key safe and once with a stroppy DN... They never darkened my door again, even after much pleading from the care company.

You are in control here.. remember that, put in a complaint about it.. dear god your job is hard enough.

 

[elizabeth20]

Hold on a minute, who is this so called carer? She's employed by you!

Do you know that you can bar that carer from visiting ever again.

I learned after one carer wiped dad's soiled behind with his facecloth, never to put up with that d carer who lost the house keys when they suld have been replaced in the key safe and once with a stroppy DN... They never darkened my door again, even after much pleading from the care company.

You are in control here.. remember that

 

[elizabeth20]

I complained about the terrible attitude of a member of management in my mums care provider - she was very abrasive and uncaring I sent a copy of my complaint to our local county council just for good measure-it's a very long story BUT the director of the company was in contact within 12 hours and they were falling over themselves to be helpful and apologetic.

I am not a complainer I am just an ordinary hardworking honest caring person who has found herself in the most horrible of situations and was on the receiving end of a phone call that broke the camels back so to speak and I put pen to paper. It was extremely therapeutic but more importantly the company were proactive and sorted out 'the problem'.

We are barely coping with all this terrible disease throws at us and to b confronted with the uncaring and sometime accusing remarks from people who are in our employ is disgusting.

My mums carers are mostly good they have a great rapport with her and with the limited time they have they do their best but the companies that are contracted to provide home care to our loved ones are huge profit making machines and their contracts are their lifeblood so if u r not happy let the council know too.

Do not feel guilty for ten minutes of free time the fault lies with the care provider not the family member who is juggling self preservation against the odds.

Rant over!

 

[Kathphlox]

Well said elizabeth20

 

[Ann Mac]

Thanks again for the support. To be honest I suspect this carer just likes to feel important by making a mountain out of a molehill. She is always talking about other "situations" she feels uneasy about with other families.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but spotted this and had to comment!

For her to talk about 'other situations' involving other families is a complete and utter 'No-no' ! It marks her out as being totally unprofessional - as do her actions in taking it upon herself to critise you, and how you look after your Mum. I would be writing a formal letter of complaint, and not allowing her back into my home again - you really do not have to tolerate this at all!

You clearly love your Mum and I am certain that you know what is and isn't safe for her - this know-all, condesending carer has absolutely no right to judge or comment on you, hun - don't accept it x

 

[RedLou]

If you follow the above route, my advice would be to note down the details of her complaints about others and the time and date she made them. Consider including some of them in your letter.

 

[briana]

good morning

Hi, I am both embarrassed and annoyed as a former paid carer of emi patients, that these types of carers are still out there, I would def complain, one its against policy of confidentiality (discussing other peoples problems) something I was so against when employed, carers and especially council workers are highly trained and should know better, I would many a time spend time over my paid schedule to stay if the carer was not back or was busy doing something, or even if I had started some sort of engagement with the patient i.e., a game, one of my favourite's, hand massage and nail painting, I enjoyed my work and if I could help the family in any way I would,
Now as a 24 hour carer of my husband I am in the process of direct payment so I can choose who and when they call, I hope you find a carer that you both can trust and befriend. x

 

[Varandas]

  Frankly the cares comments made me feel like I was mistreating my mum rather than doing the best I can and I was terribly upset. 

So am I wrong to think the carer was being unfair?

Wrong, rude, not compassionate and totally insensitive.

You are doing so well what many others could not or would not.

 

[Kittyann]

First off Happy Birthday Kevini and thanks for your response. Unfortunately my Mum is no longer very mobile and is also quite reluctant to leave the house so the the physical and psychological process of getting her to go anywhere is quite protracted. I have a portable wheelchair for her and bring her with me if possible. But I've found that recently she finds being outside of the familiar environment of the house quite distressing. As a result I don't bring her as many places as I used to but I don't go out for any period longer than half an hour unless she has somebody with her. And if I do (on rare occasions) have to pop out even for that short time I make sure it's at a time when she is calm and relaxed and sleepy (as she often is in the afternoons) so that she won't get anxious that I'm not in the room with her.

The carer who made those remarks is actually very kind to Mum and has a good rapport with her so for that reason I don't want to have her removed. She was with me this afternoon so I took the opportunity to talk to her about what she said on Saturday. I said that when somebody is caring for a person full time and genuinely doing their best it really is very upsetting and demoralising to think that people who spend between a half hour a day and a couple of hours a week with the person are talking about and judging the main carer behind their back in the way she and her colleague did. I said her remarks really made me feel as though I was neglecting my Mum and that was not fair. She apologised and said she hadn't intended to upset me as I look after my mother really well. I said let's move on but just think of the impact your remarks may have before you say them. So I think she has learned a lesson from it. I hope so anyway.

Thanks again to everyone for your support and insight and advice. It meant an awful lot to me. There is nothing quite like hearing the views of people who are in similar situations. I find that friends and family often mean well but unless they've really experienced this sort of situation their advice isn't always very useful.

 

[dottyd]

I'm just so angry for all of you who have shouldered the burden of care ( NOT the burden of your loved ones) with so little help.

It's a disgrace.

Yet, many are willing to do it but it just takes one unkind comment or one unkind action to bring the house of cards down.

Whereas Kitty just stopping back those five to ten minutes would have made the world of difference to you..it says more about her than you . She is a carer just like you, only difference is she gets paid which makes it all the more reason she should stay till your safe return. What if you fell when comIng home and was carted off to hospital, took I'll , got run over etc the mind boggles. If anyone is being negligent its her not you. As she is so concerned ask her to stay until your safe return. Tell her to bring her husband in to have a cup of tea till your safe return. Either that or you need an extra fifteen minutes on your care plan.

I am sooooooo angry. I'm visiting my cousin. We live 5-6 hours away and I'm barely going to see her because she cannot extricate herself from the welter of care.

Her husband is having chemo. Her mother has moved to a lovely new apartment and is not settling. She is fretting so she cannot be left till carers come to put her To bed. My cousin in exhausted. She looks dreadful. Her back and hip are aching. Her husband should be resting and living stress free.

Normally we would spend the afternoon together after she gives her mum lunch( carers won't do that ) and get back in time for her to give her mother her supper.

You know, even battling cancer this lovely caring couple get no extra help. It beggars belief.

I going to start another thread but another way my cousin is tied ( this is now presuming her mum settles in this new place ) is the carers will administer other tablets but won't giver her warfarin. Neither will the district nurses. So between the devil and deep blue sea, she has to be there at a certain time inthe day to give this tablet.

My aunt is a lovely lady, very sociable with moderate dementia. She no longer walks. There's all sorts of activities going on in this building but there's no one to take her to them....except my cousin. My aunt just needs someone to push her there, give her a cup of tea and she will happily join in and it would give my cousin a bit of time to herself, support her husband, see to her own family.

What happens when she breaks completely?

Anger and frustration doesn't touch the way I feel right now and this couple are very vocal. They do get onto social services etc

Grrrrrr,

 

[Trotter1969]

As a paid carer who is also giving up her job to look after her father, I was disgusted by this paid carers invalid comments. You should put a complaint into the company for her comments and for discussing other service users which is a definite no no. If you do get any joy then you need to complain to CQC which is the governing body. How dare she say that to you. She does not walk in your shoes and as commented on before. Accidents happen in hospitals and care homes. You cannot watch someone 24 hours a day, and even if anything happened in those few minuets you should not blame yourself.. Please do put a complaint in as clearly this person should not be working in this role.... I work with a wonderful team of carers and this person is clearly in the minority I have only just joined this site and I can assure you that training for caring is clearly not being followed by this person. I wish you luck and support in your role as I will doing the same in a few weeks and know how hard it is at times much love x