Today I just want my Dad back

[Pigeon11]

I never expected to still be posting on here needing support once Dad had died. It's been about six weeks now and so much has happened since then.

On the face of it, I think I must seem ok. I have lots of times when I'm smiling, happy even, with everything going on as before and feeling like I should be getting on with things as I now have more time on my hands. There was a family fall-out just after Dad died and my brother and his wife who I used to be close to are still giving me the cold shoulder, which upsets me more than it should. I know I'm not right though because I suffer from health anxiety when I am stressed and this has come back with a vengeance.

But the biggest thing is how much I miss Dad. Now everything has settled down a little I'm just starting to realise how big a part of my life he was. I have time to do things I couldn't before, but I've found I don't really want to. I just want to go and see my dad, sort out his room, give him his lunch and have a cuppa and a chat with the carers. I miss him so much and I just feel like I want him back even though I know it wouldn't be fair.

Sorry if this sounds like I'm rambling on - just saying things as they come into my mind. Thanks for listening. I know no-one has any answers but I just wanted to say it

 

[VickyG]

I never expected to still be posting on here needing support once Dad had died. It's been about six weeks now and so much has happened since then.

On the face of it, I think I must seem ok. I have lots of times when I'm smiling, happy even, with everything going on as before and feeling like I should be getting on with things as I now have more time on my hands. There was a family fall-out just after Dad died and my brother and his wife who I used to be close to are still giving me the cold shoulder, which upsets me more than it should. I know I'm not right though because I suffer from health anxiety when I am stressed and this has come back with a vengeance.

But the biggest thing is how much I miss Dad. Now everything has settled down a little I'm just starting to realise how big a part of my life he was. I have time to do things I couldn't before, but I've found I don't really want to. I just want to go and see my dad, sort out his room, give him his lunch and have a cuppa and a chat with the carers. I miss him so much and I just feel like I want him back even though I know it wouldn't be fair.

Sorry if this sounds like I'm rambling on - just saying things as they come into my mind. Thanks for listening. I know no-one has any answers but I just wanted to say it

Hi Pigeon11

I'm exactly the same as you....... you think you're ok, but actually not really.....
I'm finding it harder the more time passes if I'm honest. It'll be 16 weeks this Friday since Mum went and I'm hating Friday's...........
Sending you a (((hug))) xx

 

[Pigeon11]

Thanks VickyG, here's one for you too (((((()))))

I think people expect you not to be upset - as I keep hearing, "He already left you a long time ago". But he didn't, not to me anyway. Although he had no awareness, communication etc for some years, he was still my dad and I loved him just as much as when he was well.

xxx

 

[VickyG]

Thanks VickyG, here's one for you too (((((()))))

I think people expect you not to be upset - as I keep hearing, "He already left you a long time ago". But he didn't, not to me anyway. Although he had no awareness, communication etc for some years, he was still my dad and I loved him just as much as when he was well.

xxx

Thank you x
It doesn't make it any easier, what anyone says..... I had Mum here, for the last 7 months of her life. People say to me " surely it makes it easier knowing she was with you 24/7, and that you gave the the best care possible ?" And i suppose in a way, yes. On the other hand, i go up stairs and look at any empty room.........x

 

[Pigeon11]

Poor you, that must be very hard. I can't imagine how that must feel

Today I am off to Dad's old NH to take money in lieu of funeral flowers to donate to residents' fund. It's a NHS run home and very sparse with little in the way of entertainment for those who live there. I want them to buy some 'twiddle cats' or similar and some background music for singalongs etc.

I'm looking forward to going but it doesn't help to know that three other residents have died since dad. I don't think I could cope with seeing his old room. I spent 7 years either sitting in there at dad's bedside or in the residents lounge so will be very strange to go back even after such a short time.

On the bright side, it will be nice to have that cuppa and catch up with carers, some who have become Facebook friends too.

 

[halojones]

I am so sorry for your loss, its such a huge part of our lives..I wish you all peace, love and sending you hugs xxx

 

[VickyG]

Poor you, that must be very hard. I can't imagine how that must feel

Today I am off to Dad's old NH to take money in lieu of funeral flowers to donate to residents' fund. It's a NHS run home and very sparse with little in the way of entertainment for those who live there. I want them to buy some 'twiddle cats' or similar and some background music for singalongs etc.

I'm looking forward to going but it doesn't help to know that three other residents have died since dad. I don't think I could cope with seeing his old room. I spent 7 years either sitting in there at dad's bedside or in the residents lounge so will be very strange to go back even after such a short time.

On the bright side, it will be nice to have that cuppa and catch up with carers, some who have become Facebook friends too.

That's lovely to do that, I'm sure it will very much appreciated. Hope you have a lovely visit and it's not too hard for you... Take care now xx

 

[Neph]

Aww hun, I know how difficult it is, look after yourself x

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Hi Pigeon, I'm so sorry you lost your dad. Your thoughts and feelings echo mine when I lost my dad a year ago. I also found it very hard to keep reliving some of the pain of dementia on TP after he died. I only pop in a little to find out how the people who supported me are doing and will still find the tears rolling down my cheeks because I understand their pain.

Of course you miss him, and even if he has been lost slowly for some time, this is different, it's final. I knew my father as a loving, kind and wonderful man for far more years than the lost lamb he became with Alzheimer's. I still miss my darling dad every single day and I know I shall never stop. It's perfectly normal, it is really early days, we all grieve in our own way. This is the time when the numbness many experience begins to wear off and we feel the loss more sharply, as we try to resume the everyday with that missing piece.

I hope you feel you can come here to share or unload, this place is a haven for all on the stony path of dementia, whatever the stage. Take care, and be kind to yourself.

 

[molly11]

Hi Pigeon11,

I felt as though I was reading my thoughts when I read your post. I feel very similar.
Please accept my sincere condolences.
Molly xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Pigeon11]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words.

The visit to the NH was ok - I think they appreciated the donation and had lots of ideas about how it would be spent which was lovely. They have started refurbishing the place - new decorations, floor-coverings and furniture and it looked lovely and cosy - much better than when Dad there.

I had thought that I would continue to be involved in some way and I have't ruled it out altogether, but it just didn't seem the same without Dad there. As i said before, some more residents who i was fond of have died and some of the staff have moved on. Perhaps it's just time to let go, but not sure if I'm quite ready to decide yet.

 

[WILLIAMR]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words.

The visit to the NH was ok - I think they appreciated the donation and had lots of ideas about how it would be spent which was lovely. They have started refurbishing the place - new decorations, floor-coverings and furniture and it looked lovely and cosy - much better than when Dad there.

I had thought that I would continue to be involved in some way and I have't ruled it out altogether, but it just didn't seem the same without Dad there. As i said before, some more residents who i was fond of have died and some of the staff have moved on. Perhaps it's just time to let go, but not sure if I'm quite ready to decide yet.

Life has changed a lot in our family since 2003.
Mum and Dad had died and granddaughters have arrived.
Dad saw his great grandchildren which would have been regarded as extremely good a few years ago.
What is noticeable is the absence of Men / Boys on our side of the family.
The wider family consists of over 100 people in blood relative terms.
The last boy was born in 1958.
I somehow think our family name is now doomed.

William

 

[Hannah1]

Pigeon,

I just looked in here as am feeling a bit 'empty' myself and saw your post… six weeks… I'm so sorry. Our paths have followed each other so closely the last few years. My heart goes out to you.

Since dad died in September, I've moved city, started a new job (two actually) and a master's programme. So much change. I'm not sure how I'll come back down to earth. I'm not sure I'll even recognise it when I do. Everything is different now.

I'm so tired. Are you? I'm exhausted, and completely allergic to other people's drama. Small stresses are amplified. I feel lonely but can't bear too much extroverting. I know I'm braced constantly, ready for a battle. I'm needy and feel myself being drawn to people I perceive as strong or resilient. I'm happy generally I think, and coping as far as I can tell, but so so weary. I desperately want someone to lean on, someone I can trust, who I know is strong enough to hold me up. I feel like I've been holding myself up forever and I want to fall apart but I'm scared.

I still haven't cried. Not since before he died. I had a little wobble when they put him in the ground but that was it.

I miss him so much, but at the same time I'm not sure exactly who I miss, because he has been so many people to me. I've chosen to remember him as the dad I had when I was little and I talk to him in my head all the time and ask him to help me. When I feel weak or insecure or alone, I remember how strong I felt carrying his coffin on my shoulder and I am powerful again. Strange maybe, but it helps.

x