Why do I do it?

[ceroc46]

Hello all,

Decided to bring Mum home for the day today and I'm wondering why I bother.

Neither of us,especially mum , gets anything out of it.

When I got her in, I cooked her a nice lunch which she didn't eat, barely drank any tea.

It's not even as if we can have a non-sensical chat as she just continually makes her indecipherable noises. So you have to persevere to try and get her to understand in order to drink/eat.

She won't /doesn't watch tv, listen to music , read, etc.

You can't really leave her even for a couple of minutes as she'll try and stand and is likely to fall. And of course it's my eldest sons day off, which i wasn't aware of when I brought her home. He works day/ night shifts and has had to listen to this.

I'm getting to the stage where I'm counting the hours I can take her back. Queue another very large dose of guilt.

I suppose it has reinforced the fact that I can't really put the family through this on Christmas Day

And breathe

 

[angecmc]

You do it because you care and are still trying to make your Mum happy. It is so difficult, my Dad used to try bringing my Mum home occasionally but as soon as she was there she would want to go" home". Mum is too frail now to take out and Dad has accepted this. At least as you say, it has made your decision about Christmas easier. Just wanted to say I feel for you xx

Ange

 

[ceroc46]

Thanks Ange

You do it because you care and are still trying to make your Mum happy. It is so difficult, my Dad used to try bringing my Mum home occasionally but as soon as she was there she would want to go" home". Mum is too frail now to take out and Dad has accepted this. At least as you say, it has made your decision about Christmas easier. Just wanted to say I feel for you xx

Ange

I don't think I'll be able to bring her out again. She is now very frail, and it needs 2 people all the time, which isn't always possible. And she hasn't got anything out of the day and all I've got is more guilt! X

 

[memaggie2]

i remember the last time i took Dad for an outing and realised that he got nothing out of it at all while i just got a strained back and a feeling of distress because i wasn't able to make it a pleasurable experience for him.

You want to do your best to give your mum the best quality of life you can but there comes a point when there is no pleasure for her and only upset for yourself. put your guilt monster back in its box and accept that you can give your love in other ways

and enjoy your christmas

 

[Witzend]

I don't think I'll be able to bring her out again. She is now very frail, and it needs 2 people all the time, which isn't always possible. And she hasn't got anything out of the day and all I've got is more guilt! X

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your best to give your mum nice days out, but if she's not getting anything out of them, you shouldn't feel a bit bad about calling it a day.

I think it's all too easy to feel we 'ought' to do this and that for the person, because we know that's what they would have enjoyed before, but if it makes no difference to them any more, or frets them (as it began to with my mother when I took her out) then you have to ask yourself whether there's any point any more.

 

[Jessbow]

Don't you ever feel guilty - you are the most devoted daughter I have ever met. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I was lucky enough to meet this lady - and her little Mum- when she and I both had our Mums in the same ward in hospital.

How many hours a day do you spend visiting your Mum each day? . That's EVERY day, folks, EVERY day!

Stop beating yourself up my Friend

xx