Does anyone have any experience of respite care? How can we convince Mum to go - she will definitely say 'no' and is very aggressive these says. And what about when she comes out again? Will she still recognise her old home? Will all this confuse her even more??? Any tips greatly appreciated!
Respite care
- Thread starter Daisy Duck
- Start date
Hi Daisy
I am sure others will be along shortly to share their experiences/tips on this. I have used respite care for my twice (the second time leading to a permanent stay). The first time, Mom was quite amenable to "her going on holiday while I had to go away for work for a few days", it was a new care home, very plush - and I think Mom genuinely saw it as a bit of a holiday. Seemed to cope and enjoy her time, but happy to come back home at the end. Second time, Mom was much further down the dementia path, becoming aggressive, very poor communication, etc. Unfortunately, this time, we simply "went out for a drive". I prattled on about us staying in a B&B for a few days - and when we arrived, we found "her" room first, and then I went off to "find my room". My moms communication is so poor that I don't know how much of this she actually took in. I know she enjoyed the drive (we took kind of a long route - as much to enjoy the autumn scenery as anything else). When I visit or leave - its mean getting "back from work" or "heading off to work". Again, she rarely responds to these phrases, so I don't know if she understands/believes me. But she has not asked to come "home" nor does she seem to ask the staff about my whereabouts.
I suppose it depends on your Mom. What would work with her? I know others have used the "work needing to be done on the house" suggestion. Others, like myself the second time, have simply got their loved one into a car and headed off without much explanation at all. Feels very underhanded but the alternative (fighting, etc) could be worse.
I am sure others will be along shortly to share their experiences/tips on this. I have used respite care for my twice (the second time leading to a permanent stay). The first time, Mom was quite amenable to "her going on holiday while I had to go away for work for a few days", it was a new care home, very plush - and I think Mom genuinely saw it as a bit of a holiday. Seemed to cope and enjoy her time, but happy to come back home at the end. Second time, Mom was much further down the dementia path, becoming aggressive, very poor communication, etc. Unfortunately, this time, we simply "went out for a drive". I prattled on about us staying in a B&B for a few days - and when we arrived, we found "her" room first, and then I went off to "find my room". My moms communication is so poor that I don't know how much of this she actually took in. I know she enjoyed the drive (we took kind of a long route - as much to enjoy the autumn scenery as anything else). When I visit or leave - its mean getting "back from work" or "heading off to work". Again, she rarely responds to these phrases, so I don't know if she understands/believes me. But she has not asked to come "home" nor does she seem to ask the staff about my whereabouts.
I suppose it depends on your Mom. What would work with her? I know others have used the "work needing to be done on the house" suggestion. Others, like myself the second time, have simply got their loved one into a car and headed off without much explanation at all. Feels very underhanded but the alternative (fighting, etc) could be worse.
Thanks, KKerr for your helpful suggestions. I can see I'm going to have to concoct some sort of story to ensure we get there without too much upset. I just hope that she won't be too angry with me for sending her away 
I'm 49 tomorrow work full time and my wife is 40 we look after my 83 yr old mother who lives with us .A few months ago we sent mum for two weeks respite care but we still visited every other day it was the break we needed after mum had recent uti infections and things got a little to much for us ,we now send mum for day care one day a week to give us time together to do the things that we want to do and as I'm at work all week my wife does most of the caring.mum enjoyed her break too she spent most of the fortnight speaking with a lady who lives with her relatives around the corner from us.we all need our time and yes guilt does play a part of it but both parties need a break.
I had Carers breakdown, so OH I booked OH into care for 2 weeks. I just said, the evening before, that I wanted a break. He said that he thought I'd not been well recently (the first time in over 30 years he recognised such a thing) and he was quite happy to go into a home so I could get away ( now everyone's jealous!). So off he went. I didn't stay long ( broken my camera the day before, has to get a new one before I went away) and, as I was really away for most of the time, didn't visit.
When I went to pick him up, (the home didn't seem to know I was coming(!) ) the staff seemed sorry to lose him.
There were one or two issues when we got home, like wanting to eat from his lap ( table, always table!) but soon got back to my ways!
However when I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to go to a funeral on the other side of the country and how did he fancy respite, he was, oh I'd like to go with you, I haven't been away for ages.
We didn't go, maybe just as well, as it seems the entire village has come down with a really nasty d & v! I wouldn't want that on holiday!
When I went to pick him up, (the home didn't seem to know I was coming(!) ) the staff seemed sorry to lose him.
There were one or two issues when we got home, like wanting to eat from his lap ( table, always table!) but soon got back to my ways!
However when I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to go to a funeral on the other side of the country and how did he fancy respite, he was, oh I'd like to go with you, I haven't been away for ages.
We didn't go, maybe just as well, as it seems the entire village has come down with a really nasty d & v! I wouldn't want that on holiday!
I needed a break from caring - I had not had one for 5 years. But I couldn't find a care home I liked & my husband was adamant he wouldn't go anyway, as there is nothing wrong with him!!!
In the end, I booked live-in care - & it worked a treat. The carer was lovely & my husband was in his own surroundings so didn't get confused, although his repetition of 'When is my wife coming home' was constant but he could be distracted quite easily apparently.
I would without doubt use this service again in the future.
I would definitely suggest that you look into this alternative.
In the end, I booked live-in care - & it worked a treat. The carer was lovely & my husband was in his own surroundings so didn't get confused, although his repetition of 'When is my wife coming home' was constant but he could be distracted quite easily apparently.
I would without doubt use this service again in the future.
I would definitely suggest that you look into this alternative.
