A care bed is available- feel sick!

[flossielime]

I have just had a call from one of the 2 care homes I had dad's name down for and a bed has come up. I was not expecting a place till late dec or jan. My stomach turned over and I now feel throughly sick. The decision has come around much, quicker then I thought.



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[jaymor]

It may not be what you wanted to hear at any time, non of us do, but it is good that a place has become available so soon in a home you are happy with. There has been no change of residents on my husband's floor for over two years and this could have been the same for you.

Lots to do now getting his clothes named, his bits and pieces together to make his room a little homely and write out a little something about your Dad's life before dementia and after diagnosis so that the staff know about your Dad's life before the changes dementia made to him. Write down his likes and dislikes, infact anything you think will help the staff to connect with him.

It may take time for him to settle so don't be to upset if he takes some time, it is going to be different for him and for you.

My husband has now been in his nursing home for over two years and the care he receives has not only changed his life for the better, it has given our family peace of mind that all his needs are being met and he is no longer tormented by this horrid disease.

Hopefully in a few weeks time when the dust has settled you will be having some quality time with your Dad and he will have the care and comfort that 24 hour care can give.

Take care,

Jay

 

[angecmc]

I have just had a call from one of the 2 care homes I had dad's name down for and a bed has come up. I was not expecting a place till late dec or jan. My stomach turned over and I now feel throughly sick. The decision has come around much, quicker then I thought.



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Bless you, it will be ok. You are doing the right thing for your Dad and usually you get 6 weeks from first admission to decide if you feel the place is right for your Dad. Xx

Ange

 

[cragmaid]

You could always turn down this place and ask that Dad be kept on the list, but you run the risk of having to wait weeks/months for a place and his name being dropped back down the list.

Just a thought...!

 

[flossielime]

I have considered turning it down - it would seem that is why the bed has become available - it was held for someone else that has decided to wait a bit. The care home is brand new - so all 'households' are not open yet but I specifically wanted a downstairs room.

The room is on a trail/ respite type basis - so basically I can try him there for a week or even 2 before committing to a permanent bed.

So I wanted to turn it down - but the only way I will find out if my dad is like it is if I try it out. Plus I think my husband will divorce me - he is so sick of the our life being on hold - if I dont at least try it!!

A fw hours after the call now - I do feel a bit better.

 

[cathykins]

I know exactly how you feel. Even though we knew a nursing home was the only option for Mum, we still felt guilty when she was admitted, and sobbed the first day we left her there.

What you have to remember is, you didn't make the decision to put your Dad in a home lightly. Chances are you/your family have struggled on, coping with very difficult situations and behaviour on a daily basis.

It is too much for one person to look after a relative with dementia, no matter how much you love that person.

The staff in the care home are used to dealing with the challenges of dementia on a daily basis. They have the training and patience to deal with anything that might come up, and the expertise to know if medical intervention is needed at any point.

Have faith that you have made this decision with his wellbeing (and your own) in mind.

Keep sharing your concerns here - we are all in the same boat and can sympathise.

Good luck

Cathykins

 

[Aprilbabe]

I too received a call today to say that a room has become available for my mum. I too thought it would be early next year due to her position on the list. I felt numb to be honest and have cried buckets today since that phone call, but my family have been supportive and I know it is the right decision to accept the place. I am dreading the day, two weeks time, of taking her to the care home. I am not too sure how to go about getting her there so any advice would be welcome. When she went into respite in another home a few months ago while I had a week away, I did use the excuse of her memory doctor said it would be a good idea; I suppose I could use that one again. I feel very guilty to have done this especially as I had said to mum a couple of years ago when she was first diagnosed with AD, I wouldn't put her into a care home, but how situations change and as much as I have cared for mum, I cannot give my mum the care she now needs. She still lives on her own in a warden-controlled flat but over the past six months or so she has shown such a deterioration and I worry about her. She needs professional care I know.
Good luck Flossielime and will be thinking of you, and to all others who are in the same position. We are doing the right thing for our loved ones and over time we will accept what we are doing/have done to be the right decision.

 

[Dustycat]

I am in the same position. My Dad goes into care in Wednesday. Very mixed feelings but my husband and I feel he is at the stage where we are nearing a crisis. However my Dad seems quite happy to go. We took him initially for an afternoon when there was an activity we knew he would be interested in and had a cup of tea and then just casually snowed him round and the care manager was fantastic and really made it sound attractive. I feel really strange about being on the verge of getting my life back but it is the right thing to do for everyone. I would feel worse if he came to harm in his current situation because I'd not done something about it. Xx

 

[leedsfan]

Flossielime, Aprilbabe and Dustycat,

I too was in your position 18 months ago. With hindsight, I now know that really my Dad should have moved into a nursing home a full year before, I was literally on my knees doing my best to look after him, but then after a crisis, our GP simply said to me 'the time has come'. I think I needed someone other then my husband or other members of the family to tell me what I really knew was the right thing to do.

There is never a good time to make the decision, as you will feel sorrow, guilt and yes, relief. BUT, please always remember it is the dementias fault not yours, that has resulted in a move into care/nursing. Just because your mum/dad will have 24/7 care you do not stop being his carer. Forget 'promises' made years ago, we can never know how hard and sometimes impossible it becomes.

I wish you all and your loved ones all the best. Take care.

Jane

 

[flossielime]

Thanks everyone. It is good to know that there are people in the same position. Not that I would wish it on anyone. I have not slept all night(and it was not even my turn at dads!) my stomach is still churning. Can't eat, no idea how I'll concentrate at work today.

With me I think it because I don't know it is definitely the right time. If Ss would help with night care we could manage longer. Plus there is the worry that the home I be picked is v expensive and the money running out. Plus husband is pressuring me to go for it.



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[Grannie G]

I believe my mother may have gone into residential care a little too early but the bed was available and she was deteriorating quite quickly so I took the chance.

She was very confused at first and it took her a while to settle but with hindsight it saved us from a crisis situation which might have happened within months.

I do think we should never forget this illness is progressive and if residential care is being considered a couple of weeks may not be long enough to allow for time to settle. Once the deed is done, bringing those we are caring for home again may be even more unsettling and confusing .

It certainly is a shock when a bed becomes available , as if we need more time to prepare ourselves. Sometimes we don`t have that time and tough decisions need to be made.

If you have found a home which you feel is the best, I`d grab it with both hands.

 

[Aprilbabe]

Flossielime Dustycat Leedsfan GrannieG

Thank you to you all for your words, it is nice to know we are all here to give support when needed. Like you flossielime my stomach is still churning but I do realise that I am doing the right thing. Mum would never accept any help from SS so they eventually closed her file. I do feel if only she had accepted that help all those months ago we could have most probably not been at the care home decision yet, but who knows. They would not have been able to stop her wandering out of her flat in the early hours of the morning and in the evening. A crisis was looming I fear but hopefully this place becoming available, it has been averted.
My concern now is to try to get things in place before she goes into the home, which is two weeks today. I have tried to speak to the necessary people this morning but so far not had any luck.
Can you possibly help on what needs to be planned for before taking Mum into care? At the moment I am finding it very difficult to concentrate on anything. I am certainly going to have to hide my feelings when I go to Mum soon too. I wish I could tell her but I know she will get very angry with me, and being the only one, I take the brunt of everything. I know she will forget, which has happened with situations in the past, but I cannot bring myself to say anything.

 

[stanleypj]

This must be very hard flossielime. But I am pleased for you that you have immediately found people in a similar position and others who have been there in the past.

I hope that whatever decision you reach, it turns out to be the right one. The trial/respite arrangement sounds very sensible.

 

[LYN T]

This must be very hard flossielime. But I am pleased for you that you have immediately found people in a similar position and others who have been there in the past.

I hope that whatever decision you reach, it turns out to be the right one. The trail/respite arrangement sounds very sensible.

I agree with stanleypj

Flossielime, it's quite possible that you will feel sick, and have a churning stomach, if you delay for another month or even a year. It's not easy by any means. It will NEVER be easy at any time. If you go the CH route now you will avoid a possible crisis in the future.

Take care and please let us know how your Dad settles

Lyn T

 

[Grannie G]

Can you possibly help on what needs to be planned for before taking Mum into care?

I can only say what worked for me.

I told my husband the doctor wanted him to build up his strength and go into a convalescent home. He had enough insight to understand the difficulties he was experiencing so accepted this.

I would advise no one is given too lengthy a prior warning. It only increases confusion and may lead to unnecessary anxiety. This is one occasion the carer does need to be very strong.

Check on the room allocated and try to add some `homely` touches to make it welcoming.

Discuss with the care home manager the procedure for admittance.

Keep your fingers well and truly crossed and that upper lip as stiff as possible [ till you get home ]. xx

 

[Aprilbabe]

I can only say what worked for me.

I told my husband the doctor wanted him to build up his strength and go into a convalescent home. He had enough insight to understand the difficulties he was experiencing so accepted this.

I would advise no one is given too lengthy a prior warning. It only increases confusion and may lead to unnecessary anxiety. This is one occasion the carer does need to be very strong.

Check on the room allocated and try to add some `homely` touches to make it welcoming.

Discuss with the care home manager the procedure for admittance.

Keep your fingers well and truly crossed and that upper lip as stiff as possible [ till you get home ]. xx

I welcome your advice and will not mention anything to my mum too soon. The thing is, I did tell her on the day of going into respite a couple of months ago and all she kept saying was "I'm shocked" though I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was she went in - I had all the "I know you are taking me to the same place as my mum" (which was a hospital back in the 1970's I may add and in South London). Do I do the same and tell her on the day of taking her in??? I really do not know what to do for the best. I will discuss the care home manager the procedure for admittance as there are questions that keep popping into my head and will hopefully make the room as "homely" as possible.
Have been with her this afternoon - not a good day - kept saying she was not home. I tried several times to say she was home and she had lived there for 12 years, but would not have it. I suppose I could always use that on the day of taking her to the CH - I am taking her home! I am not looking forward to the next couple of weeks but I know I will get through it, even though I'm racked with guilt.

 

[flossielime]

Thanks everyone for all your support - I really am feeling overwhelmed now. I called social services to update them on the situation with my dad and to see if they would contribute towards respite costs. I knew I would have to pay a top up .

I did not expect to be lectured about the choosing a home that they think is unsuitable due to the price. I was AGAIN really told off and told it was an 'inappropriate choice'.

I have had all this before with SS when I first suggested the home I was looking at but I had after posting on here come to terms with the costs and I was really trying to go with a 'do the best now and worry about the future later' attitude. BUT now I feel so unsure of myself and my choices. I just so scared and feel so uncertain.

I have cried all the way home from work and have come straight on this forum to 'unload' I suppose. I cant go back over it all the my husband again, we have talked about it over and over again - we just go round in circles. I our marriage I have made all the choices about money, I dont feel he is financial savvy so not the best person to advise. I have sought financial advice but they cant really help as my parents don't have enough money for annuities.

Omg I wish I knew what to do for the best for everyone.

 

[Chemmy]

Hello again

It might be worth contacting your local branch of the Society. You can find it here....
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200121

I first came across the local rep when my mum was in hospital and she was a great help as she knew much more about the local homes and their suitability for dementia patients. She wasn't allowed to recommend one, as such, but she was able to steer me in the right direction. Both she and Mum's psychiatrist emphasised that I shouldn't be swayed by the decor. You should be able to get a sense whether the place you've chosen might be suitable for your dad by what is - and isn't - said.

Don't panic. This will all work out in the end

 

[Solihull]

Hi Flossielime & all others who have commented on here. I do sympathise & can agree with so much that has been said. Do not feel guilty, you have not made this decision lightly. If we did not love our parents we would not have these feelings. My mom went into a care home after a fall at home which was the turning point as we had been watching her deteriorate for two years. Fortunately she did not hurt herself but we realised her dementia was making her forget to eat, drink & take care of herself. She went in to a lovely, homely care home (not one of the new expensive ones). This was not such a shock to her but she still asked to come home for about a month.
We were advised to cut back on the visits in order for her to settle in. I also told her on each visit that the doctors needed her to be there so that they were close by and could keep a watch on her until she was strong again. This worked and she now treats it as her home (well most days). She has gained weight, she is safe, clean & has people to chat to when she feels like it. It is not all doom & gloom-I wish you luck xx Sue

 

[flossielime]

Ok so after along sleepless night post social worker telling me my decisions are inappropriate I have come up with a plan.
He goes into respite for the week. If he doesn't settle he come home and we keep the nightmare going (maybe borrow money against his house to pay)
If he does like it he stays in the expensive residential home for 6 months. In 6 months the disease will have progressed and he'll be more institutionalised at that point we move him to the nice residential emi home (as soon as a place is available so around 6 months) that is more affordable at £500 a week.




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