Not endearing

[Reds]

Hi!

I do adore my husband but sorry to say I don't find some of his ways endearing. He has Alzheimer's and I fully sympathise. The following is what can be annoying to me:-

1. Every morning he announces that he is going to occupy the toilet for 10 mins - I just wish he would go. (am glad he doesn't have toilet probs yet though)

2. He tells me every time he is going to have a cigarette, its never discreet, and he puts the cigarette out with his fingers by squeezing the end plus flicking the ash off. Least he smokes outside.

3. When out walking, he makes it quite a thing to find a bin for his cigarette end. It is good he wants to put it in a bin than on the floor but I get fed up talking about bins as want to enjoy the walk.

4. After every cigarette he has to have a biscuit, a ritual. He eats the biscuit like a child might.

5. Certain things he says, 'its going to chuck it down' rather than its going to rain. Before anything interesting he wants to say, he says 'that's another one'.

6. I might have to get a loan for washing up liquid! He doesn't believe it when I say its not good for us to use too much of it. Its great he makes a cuppa but he fills the kettle up with a lot of water and won't take on board that it is cheaper to boil less. He doesn't believe that we can't recycle tablet sachets.

7. I suggest to him he changes his underwear otherwise he doesn't bother. This may be Alzheimer's so ok but he wouldn't forget to buy cigarettes. He doesn't fold his clothes.

8. Because he is over friendly with the public I hate it when he describes me giving birth to strangers and saying that he 'saw the baby's head pop out between his wife's legs'!

9. If ever I say anything he doesn't want to hear he sings a usual song out very loudly that I now hate and really annoys me.

10. Very concerned about his wandering down to a bus stop just to joke to people and joking at cash machines, saying any free samples.

11. If he does a word search wrong he scribbles it out very harshly instead of just putting a line through it. He used to moan at his mother for doing the same! I believe he has copied this from her.


My husband can be a very considerate, decent man but I hate all the above. It might not sound that bad but its the way he says or does the things. I have my faults but I think he is disinhibited. No disrespect to anyone, I am not suggesting I am a better person, I just find the above annoying because they are so regular. I expect I will have worse to come.


Sometimes I find that I just don't want to even look at him. I am sorry for saying that and have never admitted this before. Also he sits twirling his fingers round and round. I still want to enjoy life and am in my 50's but my husbands idiosyncrasies can make me feel old - sorry.

Do any of you feel the same as me?

Reds

 

[marionq]

Your last paragraph is the key Reds. At 50 you need and want someone who can share and enhance your social life. By 70 or 80 you have learned that time is running out and preservation and being safe and comfortable is what to aim for.

You will have to look at how you and your husband can spend more time independently if you are to continue together. Alz groups in some areas are many and varied, day centres can be excellent, certain charities run groups which can be good. He might prefer a one to one Befriender, or a clinical support worker which we have just been offered as a stop gap until a day centre becomes available.

Practical help is needed and you should talk about this with your SS, CPN or whoever is your contact.

 

[stanleypj]

I can well understand why these things are annoying.

But aren't they mostly the kind of thing that would be annoying whether he had dementia or not? Some of them sound like the kind of thing that someone would always have done.

Do you get any time away from your husband? It sounds as though you need it.

 

[Oxy]

I understand your sentiments. It sounds to me that whilst he may have done some of those things previously but it is the indiscretion now as the part of his brain that causes any sort of shame is probably damaged.
The twirling of fingers will pass. I think it is a phase.
The suggestions made are great but depends if he is willing to do them and whether your area has access. As he seems to be 'sociable', a day centre with activities may be solution to give you 'me time' (so wish I could have that).
Some centres have men in sheds projects which may appeal if he was interested in DIY etc previously. Is he about your age or much older?
I don't know why 'toilet' talk becomes so appealing to dementia patients. I guess it's the young naughty child in them.
I do hope that you find an organisation in your vicinity that caters for the fit over 50s person needing some occupation. He might enjoy a one to one befriender as he so fit still and would welcome an ear for his repetitive 'words of wisdom'.
Very best wishes that you find a solution. Trouble with friends is that they have lives and ours are so small now that we have little to offer in conversation. Well you may, and I guess I'm talking for my situation there. All the best.

 

[Reds]

Thanks for all your replies. My husband is nearly 62. Was diagnosed at 58 but prob had symptoms for awhile.

He is often fine but as I said earlier things can be annoying but I know that even healthy couples can get on one another's nerves at times. He definitely has lost a bit of inhibition and tends to talk loudly so can be a bit much at times. His hearing seems ok.

When he does anything he has to say out loud what he is doing such as 'I am going to take the recycling out and then I am going to put my slippers on. Next I will make a cup of tea so I will get the milk out and there is the sugar ....' Would rather this than some other problems but is quite hard when I am trying to concentrate on what I need to do at the same time! However, I'm glad he can talk.

I'm working on making a life of my own but alongside my husband. It all takes time! Had a busy year as my dear mum died, my husband stopped work and driving and starting day centres soon. Was also in the middle of updating our house this year. Hoping things will settle down a bit but who knows! Good job I have quite a high tolerance level generally and patience but I am so tired at the mo as not enough rest or me time this year.

Took my husband to see family earlier today but he did sing the song out loudly that I hate now and he had told me firmly yesterday evening that he wouldn't do it again. I can only think he forgot.

It does feel like sometimes Alzheimer's has taken over my life and impacted everything in it. Find it so hard to switch off from the situation so then I feel that I am not leading what I think of as a normal life.

Thanks. Reds

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh Reds, I sympathise, I truly do, but your posts did make me laugh! As Stanley accurately posted, many folk have these traits, with or without Alzheimer's. You're young and you must find "me time", to help you survive.

 

[stanleypj]

You've obviously had a lot on your plate Reds, and still have.

I hope those day centre visits start soon so you can get a bit more 'me time'.

 

[Reds]

Oh Reds, I sympathise, I truly do, but your posts did make me laugh! As Stanley accurately posted, many folk have these traits, with or without Alzheimer's. You're young and you must find "me time", to help you survive.

Thanks Scarlett. I am stressed out and badly need some happier and more relaxing times as been a long since I have been able to rest up properly. Hope u ok

 

[chick1962]

Hello red, my husband reacts very similar to yours, talking to himself when doing things, getting agitated when he can't find certain words or do certain things, he also sings loudly and can be a bit moody or grumpy bless. He is 65 and I am 52 . When he sings, I sing with him which usually gets me a big smile and as OH has AD and Vascular dementia I sort of grow into the carer roll by adjusting and re adjusting . I do get tired and stressed sometimes and distraction can be hard work too but I tend to live by the day sometimes it's a bad one and others are really good! Just try and go with the flow and do try to make time for yourself even though it's easier said then done. Hugs to you x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Oxy]

Reds, I also find certain repetitive events tiresome and sometimes hated. Probably part of the course. Nothing annoys me more than to be asked 'what's for lunch' early in morning and at intervals thereafter with the song 'why are we waiting.'
I can't give more food as diabetes doesn't allow it.
Other things that are childish fun, but are inappropriate can so get on my nerves but then I see pleasure in eyes and think 'well if that's all that pleases, as least you are happy,' of course the more tired, the worse the annoyance is.
I hope that you feel better soon and manage to relax a bit when day centre gets sorted.

 

[garnuft]

I always find it easier if I remind myself that it's me allowing myself to be wound up and if I let go of the feeling it can disappear.

I had the same feeling for years with my son ( he's 6ft 7ins, 20+stone, has austism, severe learning difficulties, mobility problems and a very sociable outlook) we were always the centre of attention wherever we went (still are) and I longed to be anonymous (still do) but I have gradually learned that it's my problem, not his.

My Mam benefitted from this accumulated habit, so I never felt self-conscious when she was behaving in a way that was 'outside of the box'.

It was my box so I gradually moved into theirs. I hope you are able to do the same as turning back the clock and wishing doesn't work, lord knows I tried that.

I found acceptance to be the only way to avoid heartbreak and to actively seek out the support I need for my son, with Mam I knew death would creep up before desperation so I indulged myself by not worrying too much.

It's hard. That's my experience of life.

 

[Bythspirit]

My sympathy to you Reds - I'm sure you want to scream with it! My OH not quite as bad, but he can be very repetitive - if I made the least noise in kitchen he would shout through "do you want a hammer?" - eventually I started singing "If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening ..and so on " (it's a very old song) every time he said it. At first he asked if I was "going off my head", but he certainly doesn't say it now! Small victory, bring on next battle. Love and light to all Carers.

 

[Reds]

Thanks for replies! I appreciate you sharing some of your comments with me. Yes, your right Garnuft, I must think its my problem if I let things get to me.

Feel bad that I mention my husband's ways at all but I find I have to let off steam somehow.

Reds

 

[Scarlett123]

My sympathy to you Reds - I'm sure you want to scream with it! My OH not quite as bad, but he can be very repetitive - if I made the least noise in kitchen he would shout through "do you want a hammer?" - eventually I started singing "If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening ..and so on " (it's a very old song) every time he said it. At first he asked if I was "going off my head", but he certainly doesn't say it now! Small victory, bring on next battle. Love and light to all Carers.

Another post that had me laughing! I think it was Trini Lopez who originally sang this, though I do have it on an LP (remember those!), by Peter, Paul and Mary. I always wanted to be Mary.

 

[Kevinl]

"he announces that he is going to occupy the toilet for 10 mins, I hear him farting, says its going to chuck it down, I suggest to him he changes his underwear otherwise he doesn't bother and he is over friendly with the public"
Sounds like you average Northern bloke to me, have you checked his birth certificate
Seriously though I know what you mean I'm a northern bloke married to a southerner and she is slowly morphing into Margot Leadbetter (the neighbour in the Good Life).
Don't get me wrong I'm no Jim Royale (I do get out of the bath to have a pee) but can she ever stop finding fault with the way I speak, my grammar, everyday she just gets posher a few more years and she'll be the queen.
I love posts on her where you get a glimpse into the problems of others and can compare them to your own experiences, so different but yet somehow the same.
K

 

[meme]

oh that squirming embarrassment...I had this with an x partner at every supermarket he'd eat the pick and mix in front of our v young son in his pram... and at every checkout till he'd loudly ask "do we really need this"....Also memories of my mother being the only one to wear a hat at my school sports day....aaagh..then my grandma sitting on the pavement outside Finefare feeling feint.........Reds your husband farting on walks made me guffaw.. but...on your list all or any one of the things over and over would drive anyone crazy.....sense of humour is your saviour....x

 

[Ann Mac]

I thought, after years of working out in the community, supporting adults with learning disabilities and often, challenging behaviour - plus a previous part time job as a barmaid - that nothing could really embarrass me, or irritate me to a huge extent! Mil has proved me wrong.

Eating (especially in public) - starting to feel sorry for other diners, particularly if Mil has a pudding! And at home, its the sounds that go with her bolting food - it provokes a 'nails down the blackboard' type reaction, and I keep telling myself that she can't help it, and that its a whole lot better than her not eating at all - but still, I often have to leave the room and put myself out of earshot

Making loud (often personal) critical comments about anyone who catches her eye, or if she is having to wait in any sort of a queue.

And - invading others space At cash points especially, I now have to keep a firm hand on her arm, and stop her edging forward and quite openly staring over people's shoulders. Same in Supermarkets, as people are trying to use chip and pin cards. Don't know if this is part of the not liking to wait, or just curiosity that she no longer realises is not acceptable, but its now something I have to be very aware of, and that irritates me no end - so hard to accept that she can't remember that its something she really shouldn't do!

 

[jawuk]

As I've got older I find myself more often saying what I'm thinking, especially lately as I'm tired and under stress. I told a nurse that my husband kept trying to get out of bed which as he's become immobile is dangerous. She said it was difficult to watch him as the patient in the intervening bed kept his curtains closed. I said do your best, but if he harms himself I shall sue. Another person promised to do something urgently and I said great, but remember I know where to find you if something goes wrong.

I think for many people there comes a time when what you want is more important than the social niceties and I've become one of them. Furthermore I don't give a gnat's fart <g>

 

[Ann Mac]

As I've got older I find myself more often saying what I'm thinking, especially lately as I'm tired and under stress. I told a nurse that my husband kept trying to get out of bed which as he's become immobile is dangerous. She said it was difficult to watch him as the patient in the intervening bed kept his curtains closed. I said do your best, but if he harms himself I shall sue. Another person promised to do something urgently and I said great, but remember I know where to find you if something goes wrong.

I think for many people there comes a time when what you want is more important than the social niceties and I've become one of them. Furthermore I don't give a gnat's fart <g>

I think that the circumstances you describe there are easily seen as appropriate and, sadly, even necessary . Doubt if anyone would have a problem with saying it like it is in those circumstances - apart from maybe the numpty you are speaking to, maybe Its the 'not appropriate' that I think I struggle with, that can cause offence or upset to others when there is no need, or is so reptitious as to make you want to scream And I know its the dementia and I swear I try and actually do manage to be patient a heck a lot of the time - but not always. Venting on here I think is a great way to express the frustration and also to discover you are not alone feeling pushed to the limit - and that helps me cope, too