How do I handle this....

Bettybee

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
26
0
Mum's memory has been bad for some time and was finally diagnosed with dementia in February this year. The memory clinic said she was too far advanced for them to help much but they have put her on medication. Mum lives with dad on a farm and they are both in their 80s.
So now we are in November and she has gradually grown worse since Christmas. I have been reading up on behaviour and a lot of what I have been reading doesn't fit in with mum. She was always a woman on the go. Always doing housework, being very house proud. She would even refuse the offer of a coffee out with me because the hoovering needed doing or it was a Monday and wash day. She also used to always have a jigsaw on the go, or knitting, or reading a book and cooked a meal every day. typical farmer's wife! But now, she does nothing. She no longer cooks, cleans. Nothing. So dad, at the age of 86 is for the first time in his life having to learn how to cook. I am going to their house as often as I can to cook them a hearty meal to make sure they eat something hot. The house has grown really filthy over time. Dad refused to let me do anything for a long time because it would upset mum to have someone else do it. But a few weeks ago I had an honest discussion with him and told him that it can't go on. The house needs to be cleaned. So I am going there once a week and have started room by room giving the house a thorough clean. But it is very upsetting for me to do so. Mum no longer recognises me as her daughter and sees me as a stranger going into her house and interfering. If I start to hoover she will shout at me and tell me she did that this morning. She can be quite nasty with me. I always keep calm and explain to her that I am her daughter and I am trying to help but I am met with blank looks. The work needs to be done so I just carry on and do it. Of course, 10 minutes later she has forgotten that we had words and all is ok. Although she no longer cleans she is obsessed with wiping down the surfaces of the kitchen with kitchen roll. She will wipe straight over anything sticky etc so she is not really cleaning. Just surface wiping. She also grabs anything that needs washing up straight after it's finished and will swill it under the tap and dry it with kitchen roll, not a tea towel. She no longer uses a bowl of hot soapy water, even if they have eaten something that needs a thorough wash. her tidying seems compulsive. She has now started a new habit. She goes to the lawn and picks up any leaves to keep the lawn clear. She will do this all day long.
So, I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this behaviour and how they manage to handle it. Especially with the housework I need to do.
 

loveahug

Registered User
Nov 28, 2012
1,071
0
Moved to Leicester
Yep mirrors what was happening with my mum, but we managed the situation before it got too bad. She lives on her own so there was no one to cover up for her so after a spell in hospital (pneumonia from not eating or drinking properly, or taking medication) she ended up with carers four times a day in the guise of nurses to supervise her 'new' medication which was sooo dangerous it had to be locked up! If that had not have happened I dread to think what state she'd have got herself into as she's still fully convinced she does everything when she does absolutely nothing, it's so sad.

You mum and dad are lucky to have you to care so well for them. Good luck in the future.
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,034
0
74
Durham
Hello Betty Bee and Welcome to Talking Point this all sounds like typical behaviour that I have read on here many times,, I have no experience of it as it is my husband who has vascular dementia but I am sure there will be someone along soon who can give advice,

Best Wishes, Jeanyx
 
Last edited:

cheeky1

Registered User
Apr 3, 2013
33
0
scotland
Hi bettybee my Dad lives on his own and was diagnosed 2 years ago he no longer cooks or cleans he has carers 4 times a day to ensure he eats and has his medication.They are not allowed to do housework so i do what I can when Dad lets me.As long as the toilet kitchen and his washing is up to date I just skim over the rest as he is very impatient and doesn't like me hoovering etc.I bought a carpet sweeper which saves me bringing out the hoover as often.I tend to deep clean when he is in hospital.You can only do so much you need to think of yourself and your own family.Surely your mum and dad would qualify for carers this at least ensures they are eating regularly.Dad hated them at first but I just said they needed to give him his medication and he is now ok most of the time.Keep your chin up xx
 

Bettybee

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
26
0
Thank you for responding. SS have been so good with the help they have offered. Mum had to have an operation about 6 months ago. She had let her toe nails grow so long they were right under her toes and digging into her feet. I know that is too much information, but because they had grown so bad she had to have half the toe next to her big toe removed on both feet. She was really aggressive in the hospital, pulled some stitches out and although we had been trying to get people to help us, nobody had. Because the nurses had to deal with it one of them said 'Your Mum needs help, you know.' Grrrr. Anyway, the hospital referred her to SS who were in touch straight away and it went from there. Because Mum had to have both feet in bandages she had to stay indoors and rest them. But, this is the strange thing. She felt no pain, there was nothing wrong with her feet and she hadn't had anything done. So I continually had phone calls from Dad at 3am etc because Mum was wandering around the kitchen having taken off her bandages and leaving a trail of blood around the kitchen. So I was going to them and rebandanging her feet. She had a nurse going in every day to check anyway. But because of this SS arranged for a carer to go to the house for an hour every day. Mum absolutely hated it but we kept it up so that at least someone could keep an eye on her whilst Dad was getting his jobs done around the farm. Once she had improved some Dad reduced it to one hour twice a week. Mum just didn't want them there and the whole thing was unpleasant. The carer would often be left in the kitchen whilst Mum left the house and walked up the farmyard to get away from her. The carer just didn't have a clue how to deal with it. It just didn't work out.
As Dad was paying for the carers I put in for Attendance Allowance which we have just been told is going ahead.
Another thing is she won't change her clothes. She will wear the same shirt for weeks on end and gets so aggressive if we suggest she put something else on. She seems to wear certain clothes like comfort blankets and won't remove them. We don't even know if she's washing properly but she doesn't smell.
dad takes care of all of her medication to make sure she gets it. He does well at his age. He has been so totally stressed with it all and has a heart condition so I have been more worried about him than Mum. I go over as much as I can and he is glad to have my company. I will do whatever I need to do to help out but I just wish there was some way they would allow more help and support. They have never been sociable people. The meetings we've had at the house with SS, memory clinic team etc have been quite stressful. Everybody is on hand should they need any help and I am continually trying to convince Dad to involve these people and get the help he needs. But he would rather it was me. I don't mind that, my family is grown up but I do have a life and I don't want it to get to the stage where I am at their beck and call.
Piph, I wish Mum would allow people to be in the house as carers, cleaners etc but she is so hostile towards them. She still insists there is nothing wrong with her and she is doing what she has always done. It's so difficult. But I must admit, having run a pre-school I have training in autism, special needs and first aid and that is helping me immensely.
I'm sorry if I tend to ramble on but this is the first time I've had the opportunity to chat to anyone going through the same situation.
 

lizzybean

Registered User
Feb 3, 2014
1,366
0
Lancashire
Sounds very much like my MIL. Once very house proud, would hoover/dust every day now she dusts every few days but no other housework other than heating a meal in the oven & washing up. I am "allowed" to change her bed because she has a sore shoulder from when she broke it earlier in the year, similarly her washing & ironing. However she "does" everything every day still. I take her to the hairdressers once a week so do stuff for her then, much easier when she can't see me plus it allows me to find money that has "been put aside for bills" then I can recycle it. She often tells OH that I "keep her short" No, you've just put it somewhere & can't remember (which we don't say of course)

It would be easier if your Dad could take her out for a coffee or lunch whatever & just let you get on with it. It does seem pretty typical of AD tho.

Sorry got disturb & didn't see your post about not going out.
 

MrsTerryN

Registered User
Dec 17, 2012
769
0
Sorry Bettybee I also don't have any to add but you have my sympathy. It is uncanny how similar (except for the farm bit) it sounds to my parents.
They had carers in and mum wouldn't shower or change etc.
Unfortunately dad passed away quite suddenly in may this year and mum promptly went into a nursing home. We had had the assessment done in 2013 as I do travel and I expected our next trip they would need to both go into respite.
Mum really did like the nursing home however when playing one of the sports at the home she fell and broke her hip.
Her confusion is now quite significant and she currently loathes and detests me.
As you can see there are so many different things with dementia.
I do wish you all the best
 

Bettybee

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
26
0
MrsTerryN, that must be so heart-breaking. Mum doesn't know me and I really do think the more I try to do the more she'll rebel. Unfortunately Mum and Dad don't go out anywhere. I have suggested going out for a meal and maybe a drive afterwards as they live in the country. But he says that it is embarrassing with her now. He still takes them both out on a Sunday so they have a cooked lunch but they are in, eat the meal and out again. So I wouldn't have a lot of time to get stuck into cleaning.
Thank you for the kind words and support, folks. It is much appreciated.
 

MrsTerryN

Registered User
Dec 17, 2012
769
0
Thanks bettybee. It is difficult with mum and as cliche as it sounds if it wasn't for this forum I think I would have had serious health issues in regards to self-doubt.
Mums behavior happens in many people who has this disease.
People on this forum (especially in PM) have reassured me that it is the disease and not me.
I will, hopefully, wait out this spate of loathing from mum and be able to visit her again.
Mum rebelled a lot and it created more dramas (pre nursing home).
Even if dad hadnt passed away it is quite likely mum would be in care and dad would have been living with us.
She also was very horrible to dad accusations left right and Centre.
 

alypaly

Registered User
Nov 7, 2014
9
0
Yep I have the same problem with my Mum. She never uses hot water to wash things and insist on “washing” her soiled underwear every morning in cold water and then hanging out her stained clothes on the line. She wipes the surfaces obsessively and can clean the sink for hours at a time.
I have the same problem with her wearing the same dirty clothes she insists that her clothes are clean – new on that day! even when they are covered in stains. I used to try to get her to see reason but it ended up making me stressed and her angry. Now I just sneak into her bedroom while she is asleep and take her dirty clothes away say nothing and in the morning she has to get fresh ones on. Same with new clothes, I learnt a long time ago not to discuss buying anything new with her as it always ended in her saying she didn’t need anything and the rags she was wearing were fine even shoes with no soles on them. Now I buy stuff take the tags off, hang it in the wardrobe and say nothing. It gives me a small chuckle when she is complemented on wearing something new as she always says “oh this I’ve had it for ages”.
When she was first diagnosed she refused any help but over the last year or so she has become less antagonistic towards the carers. She lets them in as we told her they were nurses who had to come to give her the medication. Really they are there to get her in the shower as there is no way she will let me shower her - ever- but the carers now manage to persuade her to have one at least once a week.
Good luck I know how difficult it is as I am living with my Mum and husband who both have dementia. I always try to ask myself before going in to battle with one of them - does it really matter? and quite often the answer is no.
 

flossielime

Registered User
May 8, 2014
201
0
Hi Bettybee

I have no advice really but just wanted to offer you support. It sounds like a dreadful situation and dare I say will take its toll on your dad if things dont improve. It sound like your mum us past the stage of having any capacity to make decisions for herself. Would you and your dad consider and care home?
 

Bettybee

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
26
0
It sounds awful, but it is comforting to me to read that others are actually going through the same thing, the same problems.
I think you are right in what you say, alypaly. before 'confronting' her about anything, is it actually worth the upset? usually not. but I get so embarrassed when we have to take her to hospital for her check ups (high iron levels) and her nails are filthy and need trimming and her clothes are dirty. The trouble is, dad is frightened of upsetting her by insisting that she change her blouse etc. I have told him to wait until she goes to bed to take her clothes, wash and tumble dry them and replace them on her chair. So what if she argues with him? She will have clean clothes on and the argument is forgotten a few minutes later. He has had to totally change his approach to her and it has been a real learning curve for him. I have to advise him all the time about how to handle different situations and he is at long last coming around to my way of thinking. He still says every now and then, 'she's not getting any better you know'. I have to keep telling him that, no, she won't. She will gradually grow worse.
Flossielime, we have discussed a home. I think if she was less aware of what was going on around her it would be best. But Dad wants her at home as long as possible. At the moment she is busy bumbling about and is no danger to herself. But I think he needs realise that things will change. he doesn't seem so stressed now she has settled down and I am going over as much as possible. Day to day he is managing. They have been married 60 years so you can imagine how they rely on each other. I want to keep her at home as long as possible and so does Dad. I told him as soon as he feels he can't cope any more then we will start looking at homes and he has agreed.
 

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