A bad week, decisions needed soon.

Carrie Anne

Registered User
Sep 7, 2011
67
0
Wiltshire
Mum is lonely, confused and frightened. She has had a very bad week and has been looking for support in her neighbours. They have been wonderful, keeping an eye out for her and guiding her home when she appears to be lost. One came in with her and gave her a guided tour of her house to reassure her that she is home.

I have been over every day this week to try and help get her through it. On the one day I was planning to stay home, she phoned to beg me to go over as she was stuck in a phone box somewhere in the dark. It was her porch. Last night when I had just come back from her house after a five hour visit, she phoned to demand I came over as she had been abandoned goodness knows where. She was sitting on her stairs.

We have found a care home and I am mentioning it from time to time to introduce the idea. I am now realising this is probably not a good thing to do. But when someone is staring into you eyes, desperate for more help than you can give, what do you do? I try to tell her that there is more out there for her, company, good food things to do etc. I really don't know how I will get her there though, even the assessment required by the care home fills me with dread. Mums default setting is NO NO NO. There aren't any answers, I just wanted to write it down.
 

starryuk

Registered User
Nov 8, 2012
1,323
0
I am sorry your mum has had such a confused week. Is it 'normal' for her? I was wondering if it could be a uti. Just a thought.

Could you persuade your mum to go 'for a break' to the care home? Or go with her a few times for tea to get used to the place? Maybe try to instigate a friendship there?

Really, I don't know. It is the hardest of decisions to make and then do.

In the end, we had no choice, as mum began to wander endlessly. That was the final fact which persuaded us we could do nothing more.:( We told her we were staying in the hotel for a couple of days. I went home and returned the next day for breakfast. Mum was none the wiser. After a while she knew it was her 'home' and seemed to forget her old life completely.
 
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LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
My OH got lost in his own home-he had lived there for 31 years! He didn't know where his bedroom was and quite often would go to the toilet in the middle of the night-of course he couldn't find it-so guess the rest:eek:Then he would go downstairs to sleep:eek:All terrible but sorted with bed alarms etc. But I was there 24/7.

Your Mum sounds very frightened when she is on her own. In the absence of a UTI, or other infection, it may be better for your Mum to now have full time residential care. She will have company-but how to sell it to her? Starryuk has given you a good pointer i.e the 'Hotel', I know that others have said a home needs decorating. All have varying degrees of success, but the upshot of all the 'love lies' is that the person would be safe.
Take care

Lyn T
 

Solihull

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
97
0
West Midlands
Carrie Anne, I understand too well how you feel. I had a very similar situation with my mom but eventually her health deteriorated from not eating properly and she was admitted to hospital. This was the turning point, there was no way she could return to her home and we found a lovely care home where she has been for 8 weeks. At first we told her that doctors just would not allow her to be on her own so she would be staying there until they said otherwise and she agreed that it was a very nice "guest house" with helpers. When she started asking to go home we gave her the same answers and I think she has now settled in and the questions are getting less. I can only agree with others on here, mom is safe, clean, well fed and she has company.
I wish you well xx Sue
 

Claire

Registered User
Mar 31, 2004
88
0
Coventry
In the end, when it was obvious that staying at home was no longer a option for mum I just started to chat with her about how safe she felt. It became clear that she didn't feel safe, even though I was living in the house too, though having to go to work. Dag cars and a couple of respite stays must have helped, but when she did go into a care home she settled very quickly. It was As if she felt she could relax into her condition.

Good luck to you all.

Claire
 

Carrie Anne

Registered User
Sep 7, 2011
67
0
Wiltshire
Thanks to you all for your comments. Things aren't getting any easier. Last night she phoned twice demanding I go and fetch her after having dumped her in this strange house. I seemed to reassure her in the end but she was very scared.

She has just finished 2 courses of antibiotics for a UTI. The behaviour isn't really worse it's just more frequent at the moment.

Anybody remember how a care home assessment goes. Is it possible to dress it up as something else? I've always despaired at the way doctors and dementia ' experts' talk in front of Mum, usually directing their questions at me and ignoring her. This always winds her up. (understandably) and these meetings usually go downhill at a rapid pace.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,680
0
Midlands
Will she be self funding or is she under the threshold?

What you have to remember is that in a residential placement, yes she may take some time to settle and wont recognise it as 'home'. But she doesn't recognise home now, and it is clearly distressing her.

Start looking at your local provision NOW!
 

Insomniac

Registered User
Apr 29, 2014
39
0
Just been thru the care home thing. We already had social worker, day care in place. The actual assessment by the care home (if this is what you mean) was very simple. The Nurse Manager came to mums house to interview her. We dressed it up as another 'Health Visitor' visit and she was absolutely none the wiser. If you mean getting Social Social Services to assess her, and re. funding, that is more complicated. We are self funding but require 12 week disregard to sell the house - it's a bit of a minefield I'm afraid but most visits from Social Worker, Mental Health Nurse etc we have had no problem dressing up as Health/Nurse visits to see how she's getting on. All the best.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,680
0
Midlands
Then go and look, see what you can find and ask any likely places as to the deferred payment- ask them directly. Different homes have different policies.

The only draw back is that this time of the year houses don't sell very fast
 

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