Going on alone
- Thread starter sunray
- Start date
My two year anniversary of Ray's death is today so I didn't sleep last night. The calling out dream was back (hopefully just for one night) and I kept getting up to walk around the house. Nothing seems to make that one go away.
When you know the emotional pain will be back you have to do something you like to do to ease the pain, so I try to have a coffee with a friend, buy a new book, come home and watch one of my old favourite movies. That is my formula. I will go to the local shops, do some shopping and have a coffee, hopefully if I see a friend I will not have to have it alone. I need to remember I have to survive this too.
When you know the emotional pain will be back you have to do something you like to do to ease the pain, so I try to have a coffee with a friend, buy a new book, come home and watch one of my old favourite movies. That is my formula. I will go to the local shops, do some shopping and have a coffee, hopefully if I see a friend I will not have to have it alone. I need to remember I have to survive this too.
It`s a tough adjustment Sue and one of which we have no choice. It`s hard to find replacements for the hole left by a long loved partner.
We mustn`t try too hard.
I hope something will come naturally for you, and also for me. I`m giving most things which come my way a try , have joined groups and people, and know not to look for a replacement for Dhiren......... still drifting.
Sympathy for you Sue. xx
We mustn`t try too hard.
I hope something will come naturally for you, and also for me. I`m giving most things which come my way a try , have joined groups and people, and know not to look for a replacement for Dhiren......... still drifting.
Sympathy for you Sue. xx
Sylvia you are right I do try too hard, to be brave , to move forward, to get my life set to rights again. But then I have always been that kind of person which is why in a way I have been able to do what I have done, like looking after Ray for all those years. I guess a lot of it is pigheadedness, the Irish in me.
I spent a lot of time this morning talking to people in the shopping centre, people from church, the Lions club and the dementia group I used to belong too. A good friend came along and I had my coffee with her. I guess you could say there was a plan as I also did the two hours of welfare my church does on Friday afternoons as a substitute for a lady who was sick and listening to other people's stories was healing as it always is. There are always those worse off than ourselves.
And yes, I did have a good cry before the day was over.
I spent a lot of time this morning talking to people in the shopping centre, people from church, the Lions club and the dementia group I used to belong too. A good friend came along and I had my coffee with her. I guess you could say there was a plan as I also did the two hours of welfare my church does on Friday afternoons as a substitute for a lady who was sick and listening to other people's stories was healing as it always is. There are always those worse off than ourselves.
And yes, I did have a good cry before the day was over.
I went to the 50th school reunion last night. It wasn't strange being there alone as Ray had never wanted to go with me and I had always gone to the previous reunions alone. Like all reunions the people I really wanted to catch up with weren't there but enough people I had been friendly with to make it interesting. One of the school Captains who had become a career diplomat flew in from London, others from all over Australia and new Zealand. And yes, some were hard to recognise as the boy or girl I had been friends with.
I sat next to a man whose wife had recently died of leukemia so didn't have to tell my story, just listen sympathetically to his. A few of the women asked me quietly about Ray and I said: "He died two years ago, it was a long struggle for him." and left it at that. I think that is the best way now. I still feel sad but life has to go on for me.In a way it was a good experience as I know others at that reunion have lost a partner too and still manage to find joy in life.
I sat next to a man whose wife had recently died of leukemia so didn't have to tell my story, just listen sympathetically to his. A few of the women asked me quietly about Ray and I said: "He died two years ago, it was a long struggle for him." and left it at that. I think that is the best way now. I still feel sad but life has to go on for me.In a way it was a good experience as I know others at that reunion have lost a partner too and still manage to find joy in life.
Hiya, you are doing so very well, managing your life and interests. It must still be painful not to have Ray to pass on the stories to, and sad too, to know that we are not the only ones counting the losses over the years. I really envy you in a lot of ways...
I hated my school time and was bullied so much that I don't have anyone that I went to school with in contact with me. ( except for one girl, who was my next door neighbour...we exchange Christmas cards!). No reunions for me then. My sister, on the other hand still has people she went to Senior School with, keeping in touch.....and she lives 7000 miles away now!
Keep smiling...Maureen.x.
I hated my school time and was bullied so much that I don't have anyone that I went to school with in contact with me. ( except for one girl, who was my next door neighbour...we exchange Christmas cards!). No reunions for me then. My sister, on the other hand still has people she went to Senior School with, keeping in touch.....and she lives 7000 miles away now!Keep smiling...Maureen.x.
I am looking after my three grandchildren who live the furthest away, they are up for school holidays with their mother and I am minding them for three nights while she works. It is interesting watching them as their personalities are changing. The older of the two boys aged almost eight said to me: "It is not the same without Pa around." He is so right! He used to run into our living room and if Pa was not in his chair he would run to the bedroom, shake Ray's shoulder and say: "We're here Pa, wake up." I can't say Ray always woke up happily but he did love his grandkids and did appreciate the visits even when he was very frail.
I miss Ray too in so many ways, too many to list here. I think of our life together pre-strokes and miss Ray as companion, lover, father and husband, handyman, advisor etc In my third year out as the memories from before the major strokes come back I really miss the good husband and father that Ray was back then. And obviously the grandchildren who can remember him miss him too. Sad Eh?
I miss Ray too in so many ways, too many to list here. I think of our life together pre-strokes and miss Ray as companion, lover, father and husband, handyman, advisor etc In my third year out as the memories from before the major strokes come back I really miss the good husband and father that Ray was back then. And obviously the grandchildren who can remember him miss him too. Sad Eh?
I think we will always remember those we have lost that are special to us.
It is lovely that your grandchildren will have their memories of Ray as well and will be able toshare then with you.
My over-riding feelings at present is of sadness and guilt, both on Dave's behalf.
I think my thread's quote says it all.
xxx
It is lovely that your grandchildren will have their memories of Ray as well and will be able toshare then with you.
My over-riding feelings at present is of sadness and guilt, both on Dave's behalf.
I think my thread's quote says it all.
xxx
Saffie, i am a long way ahead of you on the widow journey, just over two years since my dear Ray died. Now I am looking towards accepting that the past happened, I cannot go back there, so somehow i have to make the journey forward into the unknown. It has taken me a long time to get here but I need to let go of the guilt and the raw emotion and let nature return me to just being me - Sue alone.
I have lessened some of the involvement I had with the groups I belonged to because of Ray, I don't want to severe ties all together so I will taper off my involvement and not go to every meeting but still keep in touch with the people who have been so loving and kind towards me. I don't know how to "move on" so I will just "move forward" for now.
Lashing rain today and almost back to winter temps, isn't Spring grand? i have to fly tomorrow so i hope all public transport is running and everything running on time.
I have lessened some of the involvement I had with the groups I belonged to because of Ray, I don't want to severe ties all together so I will taper off my involvement and not go to every meeting but still keep in touch with the people who have been so loving and kind towards me. I don't know how to "move on" so I will just "move forward" for now.
Lashing rain today and almost back to winter temps, isn't Spring grand? i have to fly tomorrow so i hope all public transport is running and everything running on time.
Hi.it was only Feb this year when I lost my hubby and we had such a good life together although he was in a home - we could still have a la. Hugh and cuddle together. It will be hard for a long time but I have so many happy memories even when he was in a home. He never wanted to go but it did turn our life together around. He had realised how hard I worked and constantly told the carers at home of this. Will always treasure him and love him dearly.. Hold onto all those good memories - they outweigh the awkward ones.
Lots of love and hugs
Lots of love and hugs
I have just been away from a couple of days. I stayed in a house full of noise and laughter and now the silence in the house echoes. I am lost and lonely every time i come home again.
I found this on a friends Facebook page and thought of Ray, staring blankly at me at the end of the last year of his life. I don't normally like Glenn Campbell but if you listen to the words it is so like what some of us went through.
http://www.godvine.com/This-New-Son...-Sobbing-THIS-Is-The-Reality-fb-gv--6170.html
Sue.
I found this on a friends Facebook page and thought of Ray, staring blankly at me at the end of the last year of his life. I don't normally like Glenn Campbell but if you listen to the words it is so like what some of us went through.
http://www.godvine.com/This-New-Son...-Sobbing-THIS-Is-The-Reality-fb-gv--6170.html
Sue.
I havejust listened to it. I almost wish I had not. The lines where he sings about yours is the last face I will remember we're so painful, as Gordon had a marriage before ours, and mine was definitely not the last face he knew. It was his daughter!
This of course is more natural, but cuts deep, even though I knew it and accepted it then, it is hard to be brought back to those memories.
I too recently was away on a noisy weekend full of chatter, laughter and children.
I was actually glad to come home to my haven and be quiet again.
This of course is more natural, but cuts deep, even though I knew it and accepted it then, it is hard to be brought back to those memories.
I too recently was away on a noisy weekend full of chatter, laughter and children.
I was actually glad to come home to my haven and be quiet again.
I have just had a week where so much of what I did was things I used to share with Ray. The Lions Club issued the Christmas Stocking rosters, Ray and I sold tickets sitting side by side for many years. Sometimes I miss him so much. The organizations i belong to, the places I go still remind me of our lives together.
I also had a phone call from a friend of Ray's. I have recently been in contact with his wife so he rang me, he told me a few "Ray" stories, it was hard for me not to cry but I held off till the phone call ended. It is hard to know that only a few people remember Ray at all after two years, or at least if they do remember him they don't contact me to say so.
Life is busy and I will survive. But the sad moments appear unexpectedly and undermine somewhat my determination to build a new life.
I also had a phone call from a friend of Ray's. I have recently been in contact with his wife so he rang me, he told me a few "Ray" stories, it was hard for me not to cry but I held off till the phone call ended. It is hard to know that only a few people remember Ray at all after two years, or at least if they do remember him they don't contact me to say so.
Life is busy and I will survive. But the sad moments appear unexpectedly and undermine somewhat my determination to build a new life.
Today was the day in my church when we remember those we love who have recently died. I deliberately didn't put Mum and Ray down as I didn't want to hear their names read out but some dear friend did so I had a mini meltdown and had to go to the ladies. I hate that it still happens. It is two years for Ray, almost two years for Mum and it still seems like yesterday sometimes.
I keep telling myself I need to start a new life, make some changes, forget the past and get on with the future. But it doesn't kind of sink in far enough for me to put my thoughts into actions. I am still going along one day at a time, nothing much else I can do is there?
I keep telling myself I need to start a new life, make some changes, forget the past and get on with the future. But it doesn't kind of sink in far enough for me to put my thoughts into actions. I am still going along one day at a time, nothing much else I can do is there?
Chin up
Sunray, give yourself credit for all you have achieved. One day at the time is all many of us can manage. Why would you want to forget the past? It is what has made you into the person you are today.
Are you able to recollect happy events with Ray, with your Mum? Find some pictures of holidays, birthdays, outings. They will be painful, because they remind you of what you have lost, but they will also help you count your blessings for all that you had.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved (and been loved) at all.
Virtual hugs are coming your way. C. x
Sunray, give yourself credit for all you have achieved. One day at the time is all many of us can manage. Why would you want to forget the past? It is what has made you into the person you are today.
Are you able to recollect happy events with Ray, with your Mum? Find some pictures of holidays, birthdays, outings. They will be painful, because they remind you of what you have lost, but they will also help you count your blessings for all that you had.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved (and been loved) at all.
Virtual hugs are coming your way. C. x
Sue, I am going to the All soul's service in our Church in an hour's time.
It is a special one, apart from the normal services, for everyone who has died during this past year. My daughters are coming too.
I received an invitation to it which the Curate delivered a few weeks ago and i would do anything rather than miss it as it is something for Dave.
It didn't occur to me that his name would be read out though.
That will start me off I'm sure.
I'll take a load of tissues with me now, so thank you.
I'm sorry that it has brought everything back for you. I expect it will for me too.
Never doubt that you have done well Sue.
I am still in awe of your journey across the globe.
I can barely get across the road at present but that's more the body's fault than the spirit's!
You are moving forwards step by step.
Be kind to yourself and make allowances.
love and understanding.xxx
It is a special one, apart from the normal services, for everyone who has died during this past year. My daughters are coming too.
I received an invitation to it which the Curate delivered a few weeks ago and i would do anything rather than miss it as it is something for Dave.
It didn't occur to me that his name would be read out though.
That will start me off I'm sure.
I'll take a load of tissues with me now, so thank you.
I'm sorry that it has brought everything back for you. I expect it will for me too.
Never doubt that you have done well Sue.
I am still in awe of your journey across the globe.
I can barely get across the road at present but that's more the body's fault than the spirit's!
You are moving forwards step by step.
Be kind to yourself and make allowances.
love and understanding.xxx
Hope the service wasn't too painful
In more ways than one.
Keep those chins up honey. It's sad that you may not be able to make the London meet up but you must look after that sciatic of yours so that we can dance the 8 some reel in Scotty Land
8 some reel is what I call it. I don't care if it's spelt wrong
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
In more ways than one.
Keep those chins up honey. It's sad that you may not be able to make the London meet up but you must look after that sciatic of yours so that we can dance the 8 some reel in Scotty Land
8 some reel is what I call it. I don't care if it's spelt wrong
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
sunray, am thinking of you
people always talk of moving on, but to where? I dont really want to move on, but I can't bring the past back so there seems to be no choice.
the time after loss feels neverending, time may be the only healer but how long does it take?
maybe keeping busy is the answer, I dont know
hugs to you today x
people always talk of moving on, but to where? I dont really want to move on, but I can't bring the past back so there seems to be no choice.
the time after loss feels neverending, time may be the only healer but how long does it take?
maybe keeping busy is the answer, I dont know
hugs to you today x
Today was a bad day. My daughter in law left my much younger son today and took the children with her. He is devastated. This is when he needs his Dad to be here to say the man to man things rather than me saying things like "take it easy and think of the consequences", you can't have good swear up with your Mum. I miss Ray so much at times like this.
So very, very sad.
Sue.
So very, very sad.
Sue.
