Can I ask your advice?

[turmoil]

I was called out to Dads today by the Carer, he said Dad was not well he was confused and maybe I should call NHS, my Dad in the background was shouting , No I don't want them people, he was very angry so I decided to see how he was when I got there, 10 mile and two busses.

I found Dad to be more confused than normal and upset, his mobility seemed poorer too. He totally refused to let me get the doctor and became very angry. I dropped the matter, for now.

Seemingly Dad said during the night he was in a place he did not know, he started banging on the windows asking for help but no one came, he went looking around and shouting for help, it turned out he had gone into the attic, no mean task the stairs are unsafe. He then must have come down the stairs and looked in the bedrooms, I think then he realised he was in his own home.

Whatever happened was not just a dream or emotional it has had an effect on him physically and emotionally. It upset him greatly.

He is barricading his door and sleeps with a spade and golf club, he also has a crowbar by the side of his chair in the room and a garden hoe close by. He has been paranoid for a while and kept tools nearby but the paranoia seems worse lately.

I have tried in the past to get him into a care home for his safety and well being but SS said he could go home.

To give you a bit of background, Dad is 81, blind, terminal cancer, vas dementia, frontal lobe dementia, Heart problems, chronic ostearthritis, and neutropenic. His house has no running hot water or heating. I had to cap the gas off.

Your thoughts please

Turmoil




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[rajahh]

All I can say is how. Staggered I am that SS allow him to stay at home.

It sounds a nightmare for you both.

 

[Cloverland]

I agree with Rajahh, get back on to the SW and don't take no for an answer. We know LA's are strapped for funds but certainly sounds as if your father would be safer in care and less stressful for you. I would have thought that with no heating or hot water that alone surely puts him at risk.

Have you thought of a hospice with his cancer, if he is self funding then you don't have to wait for the SW to place him.

 

[Jessbow]

Surely terminal cancer alone would qualify him for CHC funding?

I cannot see how SS condone him being at home in the conditions you describe.

What does he do for warmth?

 

[turmoil]

Hi

The SS said he had the right to make a choice even if it was a bad one, that was 4 month ago when they allowed him back home against all our family wishes. We have not seen SS since. It was SS that made me cut the gas off to allow him home.

There are no carpets in the house, the only heating is a plug in radiator, which they say is fine. It is a grade two listed building, 4 storey and in a very bad state. No DIY since my parents split 45 year ago.

I have tried Age Uk, Doctors, Social Services, carers resource. Dad has no funds and it is only me managing his finances that there is enough to cover a funeral.

I have power of attorney, but it seems to mean nothing at the moment.

Dad would not go in a hospice as he refuses any alternative to his cold house.

I am stressed, my 30 yr marriage has ended, I just do not know how much more I can give. Sorry

Turmoil


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[Cloverland]

Even tenants have rights if their landlord fails to provide heating although its for your dads safety the SW is failing as your dad is a vulnerable adult. Have you thought of moving in if that isn't possible and the professionals are letting you down, contact your MP your be surprised how quickly things can get done especially with the PM's white paper on dementia.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/215101/dh_133176.pdf

When mum died 2 years ago dad received a £2000 bereavement payment towards the funeral, I think this has replaced widow/widowers pension.

There is also funeral payments, link below

https://www.gov.uk/funeral-payments/eligibility

 

[barny]

Hi

The SS said he had the right to make a choice even if it was a bad one, that was 4 month ago when they allowed him back home against all our family wishes. We have not seen SS since. It was SS that made me cut the gas off to allow him home.

There are no carpets in the house, the only heating is a plug in radiator, which they say is fine. It is a grade two listed building, 4 storey and in a very bad state. No DIY since my parents split 45 year ago.

I have tried Age Uk, Doctors, Social Services, carers resource. Dad has no funds and it is only me managing his finances that there is enough to cover a funeral.

I have power of attorney, but it seems to mean nothing at the moment.

Dad would not go in a hospice as he refuses any alternative to his cold house.

I am stressed, my 30 yr marriage has ended, I just do not know how much more I can give. Sorry

Turmoil


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Don't be sorry. This sounds absolutely awful. Go to his gp and insist on an urgent mental health referral. Also ask for OT assesment for activities of daily living. It is not acceptable for him to be living this way and for ss to be hiding behind the "choice" issue. Unfortunately you have to shout to get results so if I were you you I would start shouting loudly.

 

[ASH74]

Oh my goodness don't be sorry....I would suggest going back to SS via adult safeguarding.

And back to the memory service to get support from CMHT.

As this is quite a sudden change with more confusion it may be worth getting him checked for a UTI.

Also see your own GP to get some support for you.

Take care.


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[henfenywfach]

I was called out to Dads today by the Carer, he said Dad was not well he was confused and maybe I should call NHS, my Dad in the background was shouting , No I don't want them people, he was very angry so I decided to see how he was when I got there, 10 mile and two busses.

I found Dad to be more confused than normal and upset, his mobility seemed poorer too. He totally refused to let me get the doctor and became very angry. I dropped the matter, for now.

Seemingly Dad said during the night he was in a place he did not know, he started banging on the windows asking for help but no one came, he went looking around and shouting for help, it turned out he had gone into the attic, no mean task the stairs are unsafe. He then must have come down the stairs and looked in the bedrooms, I think then he realised he was in his own home.

Whatever happened was not just a dream or emotional it has had an effect on him physically and emotionally. It upset him greatly.

He is barricading his door and sleeps with a spade and golf club, he also has a crowbar by the side of his chair in the room and a garden hoe close by. He has been paranoid for a while and kept tools nearby but the paranoia seems worse lately.

I have tried in the past to get him into a care home for his safety and well being but SS said he could go home.

To give you a bit of background, Dad is 81, blind, terminal cancer, vas dementia, frontal lobe dementia, Heart problems, chronic ostearthritis, and neutropenic. His house has no running hot water or heating. I had to cap the gas off.

Your thoughts please

Turmoil




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Absolutely .shocking!..what are the ss thinking?...I would speak to who ever is in charge...ive had experience of unwise choice from a ss and nobody else can believe what they told us re father in law...I would take photos so you have proof..there is such a things as an older persons commissioner..id be asking them to see for themselves...you wouldnt allow a dog to live like that...im sorry that youre having to deal with issues like this ..and I wish you best wishes

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[bemused1]

Hi turmoil I have been watching out for you and wondering how things were going. I am so sorry it's obviously been from bad to worse.
Unfortunately as in some areas do everything in their power to avoid responsibilities,I've experienced this with regard to carers rights.
I have been trying to find something to help the best I can come up with is your local healthwatch. If you just Google healthwatch it will find your local one and they can help make sure your complaint goes to the most useful place.
Most important see your own go and get help for yourself. Your dad is probably beyond help, harsh I know but without help you cannot do it alone.I remember you were stepping back but it isn't that easy when no one else can or will help.
I wish I could do more.

 

[CollegeGirl]

I'm so sorry turmoil. I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said but just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your desperate situation. I hope you get support from the powers that be very soon.

 

[2jays]

quote... my 30 yr marriage has ended, I just do not know how much more I can give...

I think you've given everything
you can't give anymore
I hope you get some proactive help very soon

Huge hugs xxx


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[AlsoConfused]

Huge respect to you turmoil. Even though you must be feeling completely flattened because of your own heartache, you've somehow dragged up enough loving kindness and energy to try to help your Dad.

 

[turmoil]

Thank you all so much, I have not had much time to read and think about your comments, but I will.

The company that send Dads carers to do his meals ect is pulling out, the lady said she had to safeguard her staff. Dad has a crow bar at the side of his chair, which I understand is not acceptable.

I am starting with his gp in morning, the lady at the care company is going to speak to her manager regarding where to go from here. I wouldn't care but I made his paronoia behaviour known to SS when I wanted him to go somewhere where he could be safe.

I have to go to Dads tomorrow and remove the crow bar and spades that he has at the ready, not sure he will accept that but will see. I think he will just replace them with any other number of tools / weapons he has in the house.

I will update you how it goes and thank you.

Turmoil




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[greenpea]

Oh my goodness. How awful that you're not receiving any support with this. I'm not in the know about how to deal with things as my sister is my dad's carer and has POA but there seems to be some good advice on here. I hope you can get the help you need very soon.

 

[Beate]

GP should be your first point of call - he might have a UTI which is treatable with antibiotics.

Social Services next - how they can say he has a right to make his own decisions when you have LPA is beyond me - surely that overrides his decisions, especially as you are trying to make best interest decisions and not just put him into a home of the sake of it! I would go right to the top and demand action - it is simply not good enough. Use the following buzz words: "Vulnerable adult" and "at risk". If they don't react to that, you could have them for negligence. If your Dad has no money for self-funding a home they simply HAVE to step in - don't take no for an answer.

 

[turmoil]

Hi all

Thank you all for your support and advice, I have managed to link my iPad to my phone to enable me to get internet.
I was called out again by the carers last Monday, when the Carer got to Dads he was just putting his socks on she noticed his foot was double the size of the over. Dad was shouting that he did not want the doctor ect. Despite me taking Dad to chiropodist he still insists on cutting his toe nails, he says it is too long between appointments but he will not let me book a private chiropodist in between either, as he is blind he usually cuts chunks out of his toes too, which is what he has done, an infection set in and it was half way up his calf.

I met the doctor at Dads and we went in together and Dad accepted his visit, he was put on strong antibiotics and told to leave it alone and rest it. The doctor told him he could loose his foot. Dad being Dad has ignored the advice and had another go at his nails, the doctor came back as planned and has arranged for district nurse to dress his foot to try stop him messing with it.

The doctor took Dads pulse, blood pressure and temp and all was ok, however every time I spoke my Dad shouted at me, he was so nasty and I could not help but get upset, he was calling me a stupid bloody woman ect ect, I think it was because I would not take him out but his mood was so bad and he should rest the foot.

I have not been over for 3 days I just could not face it, I am going tomorrow but I am dreading it.
I have asked for him to be referred back to mental health team.
His local Mp is having a meeting about the failing care and cut backs that our council have made, I am going to speak to him and try attend the meeting to highlight my Dads case.

Thanks again

Turmoil x





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[Oxy]

Firstly may I add how very sorry I am for you and the terrible way the situation has moved forward.
The only thing I thought in your first post where you say 'it's notjust a dream'. C has reacted to dreams and whilst not violent in any way with them I have noted that the fallout lasts all the following day. That is with myself constantly reinforcing that it was a dream and not to worry. Here the problem is anxiety. Your dad was alone with noone that could try to help him get out of it (even if it does not work). I think the reassurance I try to give possibly has some calming effect. As I say c is very different, but the dream is still very much there for a time. Hard to comprehend when things further back in time than dream are not remembered.
Clearly your dad has an infection (foot at any rate) and the bizarre things that come forth then from years back in their lives is alarming. Did your father suffer unduly during the war that could cause the need for the 'tools as weapons'.
I really hope that you will get lots of help as you so deserve.

 

[bemused1]

You poor thing trying to battle on alone. No wonder you can't face it. Give the mp hell, you and your dad have been so let down. Post when you can we are all with you

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[susy]

You are not one your own, there are plenty of people on here for you to lean on. Poor you! Your Dad is obviously an obstinate man, has he always been like this or is this part of his frontal lobe dementia? The frontal lobe controls our reasoning and out appropriateness.
Your Dad is a vulnerable adult. I can't believe he is living in a house with no heating! I know he has a little heater but that really isn't enough and will only take the edge off one room but your dad has dementia, is he going to act sensibly and not cover it, to keep the door shut?
Does he not want the GP etc in because he thinks they will put him away? Is he capable of actually taking all of the antibiotics, at the right time? Im glad he accepted the GP when they came round and will hopefully continue to let the Nurse dress his foot.
Im taking it you managed to remove all the crow bars, shovels etc as the carers are still going round.
Do keep us updated and please don't feel you are on your own because you are not.... unfortunately (Meant in the nicest way). xx