I keep upsetting people. Can't cope.

[Corriefan]

Hi,
Just wanted to post an update on my situation. Right now I feel like I am being pulled in every direction and criticised by pretty much everyone. Feeling so rubbish and worthless.
My mum is being moved to a permanent nursing home but just found out it is being investigated over issues of safety. I got told that they will put her there anyway regardless of whether I agree to it or not. I have agreed as I am afraid she could end up somewhere worse. I spoke to someone from a local charity and they think it is probably just a minor issue as they have heard nothing but good reports about the place. It seemed nice when I went over and the staff friendly.
I am also getting so much verbal abuse from my dad. Ever since my mum went into a home he has been saying vicious stuff and being nasty and awkward. He has always been nasty but now I feel like I can't take much more. I really thought that I wouldn't have to take the vicious verbal abuse anymore when my mum went into a home. At least only one of them is doing it now. There is also the issue of my mum's friend who disagrees with her going into a home and who I think isn't speaking to me anymore. After all the upset this morning various people said I sounded stressed and over-reacting. I think the manager of the temporary home is furious with me too. I feel like I have become everyone's punching bag - someone for them to blame when things go wrong. What should I do?

 

[TinaT]

You sound as if you are always trying doing your best for your mum. Perhaps it might be better for your own well-being if you step back from it all for a week or two. Leave the social workers, your dad and the friend to their own devices and concentrate for a little while on your own needs.

You need to have some peace of mind and the stresses and strains of caring and trying to do the best you can are enormous. Let someone else take the strain for a while.

xxTinaT

 

[Pottingshed50]

I agree TinaT, Corrifan let them all get on with it for a while and they will soon find out it is not all beer and skittles by any means. The mental stress alone makes you feel ill without all this negative imput from this crew. When you get home and if you can and do, have a nice glass of wine and something you really enjoy like a really sticky fattening cake, the more fattening the better. Then get up dust yourself down and do what you want for a change.


Come on a big smile..

 

[Corriefan]

Thanks TinaT. I don't think I can just step back even if I wanted to. My mum doesn't have a designated social worker anymore. My dad expects me to visit my mum at least every other day. I have been under so much pressure from them both that I just wish I didn't have to visit for a while but then I know that it will be awful for her with no visitors. My dad keeps demanding that I do things and if I refuse he says I am selfish. Like the other day he wanted to visit my mum and I felt ill and didn't want to drive there. He started acting like a martyr like he always does saying things like oh right I'll have to get the bus but I don't know the bus timetable so I'll have to go all the way into town to find out. I don't know how I'm going to manage with my health problems. If I ask him if he wants chicken and chips for tea he'll say I'll just go to McDonalds. I know you don't really want to cook for me. Of course it's not good for me eating McDonalds with my heart etc. He makes me feel so guilty all the time. I know how I must come across to some people complaining about my parents but they are not nice people. I am taking my dad to the theatre soon. I booked everything. He got angry and unpleasant because I booked drinks for us at the interval. I did it so he wouldn't have to queue up as he has bad health problems. Every time I do something nice for him he turns it around on me and says I am nasty and selfish.

 

[Moonflower]

Corriefan, please try to step back
You need a bit of breathing space
Your mother is being looked after, she will be fine without a visit for a few days.
Do you live with your father, or visit?
If you are visiting, when he starts being unpleasant, leave
If he's unpleasant about the theatre trip, say you're sorry he feels like that and won't take him again.
It sounds like he won't appreciate what you are doing until you stop doing it. Your wants and needs are every bit as important as your fathers.

 

[Corriefan]

Thanks Moonflower. I live with my father. It is difficult to avoid him. It's like I just keep trying harder and harder to please him and it is a pointless task really I know that.

Just had a call from the temporary nursing home to say mum is going to have to go back into hospital so not sure what's going to happen now.

 

[TinaT]

Mum going in hospital at least takes the burden of responsibility from your shoulders. I hope that whatever is the problem for her gets resolved.

Regarding dad. If he can't go by bus what's wrong with a taxi for goodness sake? Slavery was abolished some time ago and just because you live in the same house does not mean that you are at his beck and call.

Stop trying to please him. You know you are on a hiding to nothing! Do the minimum the situation demands. Is there any chance of you leaving the house and dad to his own devices for a short while?

Develop a thick skin where dad is concerned and ignore his comments. Do no more than the necessary in future.

Take care of YOURSELF for a change.

xxTinaT

 

[Corriefan]

Cheers Pottingshed50. Only just noticed your reply. Yes I will take your advice especially about the wine

 

[Corriefan]

TinaT. I would like to go away for a few days more than anything. The problem is I would have to find someone to look after my little dog. He is very highly strung due to a bad start in life and put on anxiety pills recently. It doesn't help the way my dad is with him. Dad doesn't like him and threw a packet of chicken at him the other day.
I would have to find a dog sitter that would be able to handle him. He is very friendly when he trusts and likes the person but I worry it might upset him if I suddenly disappeared for a few days.

 

[TinaT]

There are places to stay which welcome dogs. I've just returned from taking my cat with me for a few days away. Have a look on the internet for a place you would enjoy visiting with your little dog.

xxTinaT

 

[Anonymous4now]

I am new to all of this so I cannot really offer advice, but the title of your post says:
I keep Upsetting People: Can't Cope ... yet, everything you are describing is that it is NOT you who are doing this ... it is others who are doing this to you.

Please do not allow yourself to internalize blame that is coming from others. It sounds to me, from all you have aid, that you are doing the very best you can under very trying circumstances. As to your father, I do not know if he has dementia, but if he does not, he is just being abusive and you need not take it. You can leave the room if he starts ranting; you can be SILENT (no answer is an answer) and you can say "yes, do go to McDonalds. He has no right to "guilt trip" you.

I hope you manage to get some time for yourself ... you must be self-caring as well.

 

[Juls647]

So sorry

so sorry to see your so upset I think your trying your best and should go to see a gp an tell her how you feel as I was feeling the same a few months ago dementia is an awful illness and affects the whole family

Hi,
Just wanted to post an update on my situation. Right now I feel like I am being pulled in every direction and criticised by pretty much everyone. Feeling so rubbish and worthless.
My mum is being moved to a permanent nursing home but just found out it is being investigated over issues of safety. I got told that they will put her there anyway regardless of whether I agree to it or not. I have agreed as I am afraid she could end up somewhere worse. I spoke to someone from a local charity and they think it is probably just a minor issue as they have heard nothing but good reports about the place. It seemed nice when I went over and the staff friendly.
I am also getting so much verbal abuse from my dad. Ever since my mum went into a home he has been saying vicious stuff and being nasty and awkward. He has always been nasty but now I feel like I can't take much more. I really thought that I wouldn't have to take the vicious verbal abuse anymore when my mum went into a home. At least only one of them is doing it now. There is also the issue of my mum's friend who disagrees with her going into a home and who I think isn't speaking to me anymore. After all the upset this morning various people said I sounded stressed and over-reacting. I think the manager of the temporary home is furious with me too. I feel like I have become everyone's punching bag - someone for them to blame when things go wrong. What should I do?

 

[Jessbow]

Corrie fan, no idea where you live, but we have a mobile home in the midlands, you are welcome to escape there for a few days with you dog. Maybe someone else has something in your vicinity

We bought it as a bolt hold for when things got tough

 

[Tin]

The hassle will still be there, just get away from it for a few days. Find a place where your dog is welcome, does not have to be miles away and can be local to you, you just need the break.

 

[Quilty]

Your Dad is feeling guilty too - he is blaming you to make himeself feel better

Corriefan, get yourself a break. Lots of places are happy to take dogs - they don't get drunk and steal the towels!

Your Mum is being cared for. If your Mums friend is not talking to you great - one less person demanding things from you. Buy a stack of ready meals for your Father and go.

We will all be with you in spirit, giving you hugs and support. No-one ever dies of being a little bit unhappy so chill and leave them to it. They might appreciate you more.

Last tip I got from a friend years ago. Your Dad sounds like a bully. What would you say if your best friend was in the same position? What advice would you give? Do that, and be your own best friend. If it were me I would leave the room if he started and tell him why - new rules and regulations in this house as my Gran used to say!
Lots of love to you

 

[AlsoConfused]

Agree with Quilty.

Also suggest more "cuddles" time with your dog - you need them and he'll enjoy giving them. Hope to hear from you very soon that you and your dog have gone off for a much-deserved break!

 

[LYN T]

I would take up Jessbow's very generous offer and escape to the midlands if at all possible-lovely dog walking company. If it's difficult to get to there are plenty of places which takes dogs. Since I've had Big Billy I wouldn't go on holiday without him (or my new dog)

Phone your Mum's friend and ask her to take up the reins.

You are buckling under the strain of being everyone's verbal punch bag- which is completely unacceptable IMO.

You must take care of yourself and your little dog

Lyn T XX

 

[Corriefan]

Just wanted to thank everyone for the really kind comments and advice and just for acknowledging what I have been going through. My dad is still being very nasty to me and I get the impression that things are going to be difficult from now on. Mum has been offered a place in a very nice nursing home provided she passes the assessment. The trouble is that the nursing home will let the place go to someone else if she is in hospital for very long.
I really wish I could just get her settled somewhere nice, her health problems under control and we could all start getting back to normal.
I don't feel as bad as I did. Dad is still saying that I am weird and need psychiatric help and that I should book an appointment with the doctor. He says I tell lies and I am a disloyal daughter. Anyway I really appreciate the support from people on here. I don't know what I would do without you guys. You are the only ones I can talk to. Jessbow I am sending you a private message. I hope this site will allow me to send one as I have never sent one before. Anyway you know I appreciated your offer.

 

[jawuk]

Corriefan, to send a private message click on the name of the person you want to contact and then click on Open. To the left you'll see a list and Send private message is on there - click it and away you go :O)

 

[Corriefan]

Jawuk. Thanks. I think I managed to do it.