Saving my Dad or saving my marriage

[Dustycat]

I'm in a difficult predicament. My Dad has Alz and my husband and I are his main carers with a bit of outside help. I am an only child. Husband has been fantastic even to the point of temporarily giving up work to concentrate on Dad. Things are really starting to deteriorate and hubby thinks the time has come for care but I'm reluctant as my Mum died recently in care after a short period but I know I shouldn't let that cloud my judgement. Hubby thinks we are putting our lives on hold and have 'done our bit' which is true. We have had full on for two years. I feel backed into a corner with divided loyalties but I can see his point. Have other members been in a similar situation. All the best. Xx

 

[LYN T]

I'm in a difficult predicament. My Dad has Alz and my husband and I are his main carers with a bit of outside help. I am an only child. Husband has been fantastic even to the point of temporarily giving up work to concentrate on Dad. Things are really starting to deteriorate and hubby thinks the time has come for care but I'm reluctant as my Mum died recently in care after a short period but I know I shouldn't let that cloud my judgement. Hubby thinks we are putting our lives on hold and have 'done our bit' which is true. We have had full on for two years. I feel backed into a corner with divided loyalties but I can see his point. Have other members been in a similar situation. All the best. Xx

Hi Dustycat

Well you can't save your Dad from Dementia, but you can ensure he has the best care that you can find, and, in doing so, you will probably save your marriage.

Your Husband sounds as though he's at the end of his tether.poor you, your Husband and, of course, your poor Dad.

I really hope that you find some kind of solution

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Dustycat]

Thanks Lyn. Just reread my thread and it sounds like I'm making husband out to be an ogre which he's not. I think we are just worn out with the situation. Xx

 

[rajahh]

Use what energy you both have to find the right place for your Dad,

Your husband did not come across as an ogre, but he has a valid point.

It does sound as though now is the time for the move. Moves into care homes are not always the dreaded thing we imagine them to be.

My husband was in care for the last 3 months of his life, but I knew I had reached the end of my strength so there was no choice.

It is time to put your future first I think

Jeannette

 

[Nebiroth]

Oh, that's a difficult one. But instinctively I would tend to say "save your marriage". Your husband sounds like he is at the end of his tether - after all, he married you, not your parents. Cold as it sounds, unless you are very fortunate, your husband does not have the same bond with your parent that you do.

Sadly with Alzheimer's being the way it is, things can only continue to deteriorate as your dad's needs will increase and place ever more demands on both you and your husband. So even if you carry on then it is probably just putting off the decision, which could easily be forced on you in a crisis. There is no telling when this might happen, and it could only be months away. Or years.

I am quite sure that your dad would never have wanted you to give up your own life and marriage for his sake, so it may help to think of it that way, what would your dad have wanted?

It sounds awful to say it, and very cold hearted, but ultimately, it could come down to exchanging a long lifetime of happy marriage for a considerably shorter period of looking after your dad...after which...what?

Would it help at all to see if you could arrnage respite care? It might give you and your husband time to recharge your batteries, to discuss things openly and decide what you both want to do - without your both being physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted which is always a bad place to make decisions from anyway

 

[2jays]

Sounds to me like your husband is caring for you and is worried about you.

So difficult to separate parent from hubby when you feel both deserve your time..... But......

In my bitter difficult experience hubby should definitely come first.... And I'm guessing if your dad could have a say he would say the same

Easy typed.... So hard to do.... xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Lawson58]

Perhaps because your husband does not have the same emotional involvement as you do, he is being a whole lot more objective and realistic about your situation.

There are limits as to what you can do for your father and you need to take that on board when you think about your marriage and your husband who it seems to me has already gone above and beyond the call of duty.
And it sounds like he really loves you.

 

[Vesnina2]

Yes, I have difficulties with understanding - or accepting - I have limits of my own.
I wish my mother to get the best possible care, and it seems I am the best solution,
step after step.

But sometimes my headaches show that the flexibility of my limits has limits
- as we push our limits more and more and do not notice this has limits...

Near my summer leave I was so tired I did not know if I would survive until the days of free sleep...
and it took me whole holidays to recuperate - so I was actually no fun...
nothing...

So, after all, my mother would not get the best possible care...

OR, MAYBE, SHE WOULD GET EVEN BETTER SUPPORT! How could I judge?!?

Therefore, if you still have your marriage, keep it - you gave promises, keep them!

And I hope to realize I may give up from being the best possible...

 

[Florriep]

We've had to review our 6 year "dementia life" this week in order to complete some forms. Trawling through so many dreadful memories that we've conveniently filed in the back of our minds has been a truly horrible experience - once the forms were filled and the reflection began, I couldn't begin to guess how we've got through this time with our marriage in tact - unless you've been there, you can't imagine the massive stress dementia puts on everyone it touches. You didn't paint a picture of an ogre - he sounds like a strong and loving husband who wants the best for all of you. In your shoes, I would do everything I could to save your marriage and maybe that starts with some respite care as others have suggested.

 

[Corriefan]

Dustycat. From what you have said it definitely sounds as if your dad would be better off and happier in a care home. You are both at the end of your tether. You need to consider you and your husband's needs as well as your dad's. If he gets in a nice care home then there is no reason why he shouldn't be very happy and then you and your husband can go back to a normal life.

 

[Dustycat]

Thank you very much everyone for your wise words and advice. I will keep you posted as to how things go. We are visiting a care home with Dad in Wednesday just for a casual visit. Hopefully this may be the catalyst of change. Xx

 

[dottyd]

A good man is hard to find.

My OH would not look after my mother and I would not want him to.

He does take care of me that's what he signed on for.

Till mum went into a care home he did do his bit but if I had even suggested she lived with us he would have been off.

He saw what living with his gran did to his mum.

It's hard . It really is. You want to tear yourself in two but I think you are being sensible choosing the best care home you can .

I couldn't have managed my mum for more than a week.

I take my hat off to everyone with relatives living with them . I can only imagine the stress you are going through.

 

[RedLou]

I'm about to try to detach from my own father's situation. I know my priority must be my husband. How I feel is that if I - or my husband - got a terminal illness diagnosis tomorrow I wouldn't regret not having done enough for my father. Indeed, I've done my level best. What I'd regret is prioritising him and forgetting that my husband and I need to live. We none of us know how long we have on this earth.

 

[jaymor]

we have friends and the husband was diagnosed with dementia over 20 years ago. He can still take himself down into town, a 20 minute walk, he can shop, do crosswords and read his paper. He gets a bit cross at times, can be very stubborn and does not sleep very well. He is safe to be alone so his not sleeping is not a problem to anyone during the night. If he was my Dad then I would have no hesitation with him living with me.

My husband on the other hand was diagnosed 9 years ago, within 4 years became very difficult to manage, he was constantly harming himself and was not safe to leave alone so I had to watch him 24 hours a day. There was just the two of us so no one else had to be considered so I battled on. Just over two years ago he was admitted to an assessment unit and from there to a nursing home for challenging behaviour. He can now not stand, his food is pulverised, his drinks thickened and he has to be fed. He is doubly incontinent and has very little speech.

If he had been my Father needing the same care as my husband has needed from me then I could not have done it. I would have done what I have done for my husband, found a good care home and saw to it that he had the care he needed.

Caring for someone in your home when you have a partner or children really has to depend on how much care they need. If it is all consuming then it is not fare on anyone else

Jay

 

[ceroc46]

Hi Dustycat,

I was in your exact position about a year ago, hubby was very supportive while Mum lived with us, but it was getting more and more difficult. We had her at home for 2 years as well.

I was trying to tell myself it was fine, trying to juggle a Mum, hubby and 4 kids. I thought I was coping, but it took words from hubby to make me start to take stock.

Mum has been in a nursing home now for just over 6 months. I think she's happy.

But of course I'll always think could I have coped longer, done more etc etc. but being sensible I know it was a lot to ask from the family.

Good luck with your visit.

 

[ASH74]

I think the key here, if I was in your position, is transition....as someone else said respite....you are dipping your toe in the water...you are all seeing how you will all cope....then as time progresses respite becomes full time .....I can only liken it to when my son was a toddler he started with a few hours at nursery.....eventually he was full time! Your hubby has the benefit of being that bit further detached......he isn't an ogre or doesn't come across as one...he is a man worried about getting the best outcome for you all.

Take care


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[flossielime]

similar position

My dad does not live with us but my husband is a good man and has done loads for my dad - but he is now on at me constantly to think about care homes. i think it is too soon but he thinks I am too 'emotionally involved' to see the wood from the trees. No answers really.

 

[Dustycat]

Just an update for you. Visit to care home very positive. Dad going in initially for respite next week. Fingers crossed he will stay. He seemed to like the 'hotel for elderly people who need a bit of help'. Thanks for your support. Xx

 

[Dazmum]

Pleased to hear this Dustycat, I was in the same position as you a couple of years ago. The strain on a marriage can be considerable, as our partners can see what an effect caring for a parent has on us, and we are their priority. I hope that all goes well for you all xxx

 

[marionq]

Hotel for elderly people whomneed a bit of help.

Just an update for you. Visit to care home very positive. Dad going in initially for respite next week. Fingers crossed he will stay. He seemed to like the 'hotel for elderly people who need a bit of help'. Thanks for your support. Xx

That is the nicest title I have heard. Very good wishes to you all.

Sorry for the extra m in the title. My finger must have slipped!