Hello Everyone
Ive joined this forum as my mum and I need some help with my Nan (my mum's mum)
My nan has been living in Spain for the last 17yrs with my gramps. They moved out there for health reasons, my gramps had severe asthma and a warmer climate was suggested to him by his GP.
It was about 6 years ago that we first started to recognise changes in my nan, firstly her memory, she would ask you if you wanted a drink and make you one - then 5 mins later ask the same thing again. She has gotten worse over the years and has only had my gramps to look after her. He doesnt allow her to cook, clean or do anything. She gets up in the morning and puts on the same clothes shes had on for weeks. My mum last visited them in October 2004 and was surprised when she arrived there to find my nan in smelly dirty clothes and their apartment was dirty. My gramps has been in charge of daily cleaning and cooking etc but had been going out to eat twice a day because he couldnt be bothered to cook anymore. He has also been drinking heavily and been getting himself into some right states - me and mum know this is because of the stress of dealing with my nan 24/7. We have pleaded with him now for years to come back to England where we can help him with Nan - but he wouldnt come back - what could we do?
My gramps was due to come over to England with Nan for Christmas at my mums house - that took some persuation! When they didnt get off the plane at Manchester my mum rang me and asked me to ring them in Spain. I rang their home and my nan answered the phone! I told her who I was and asked to speak to gramps - there was no point askin her why she hadnt got on the plane cos she wouldnt have known she was coming anyway! She sounded really funny in her voice and didnt know who I was? I heard her call my gramps who came to the phone sounding strange aswell. I asked him why he hadnt come over to England and he just said he didnt feel too well and would see us next year. I immediately phoned my mum and told her something was wrong - my mum and uncle flew out to Spain the next morning.
When they got to my nan and gramps apartment they were met by my nan at the door who looked like a frightened child all hunchbacked and in her pj's, she didnt know who they were but was pleased to see someone as she was frantic for them to come in and have a look at her husband cos she thought he was dead!My mum found my gramps on the couch asleep and intoxicated. The apartment smelled of urine and there was no food in either. It was clear something had happened, as they were both in a state. When they got my gramps to the doctors, he confirmed what we thought - my gramps had suffered a stroke. Probably brought on by coping with nan, as his temper was short and he always shouted at her whenever she forgot things. 6 yrs of shouting would give anyone a stroke.
My mum told the doctor about how they had been living and pleaded with him to advise my gramps to come home to England - as none of us have ever been able to convince him he needed help. The doctor told my gramps he could no longer look after himself or my nan and urged him to return to England to family that can help him and give him a break from nan.
They are now at my mums house and its been 2 days since mum brought them over. We've told nan that she's on holiday - which seemed to work for a bit, but she doesnt know who we all are sometimes and the sudden change in enviroment has had an effect. Yesterday she thought that my mum was a cleaner and that shes in a hotel and I was a guest there. Today, she thinks its her house and has been shouting at my sister askin her what is she doing getting things out of a drawer without asking permission. She has shouted at me tonite saying that the things in her house will be gone and my gramps doesnt care, then she had an attack of paranoia and was looking at me and my mum saying 'You better not be talking about me, I know you know...yes you think I dont know...but I know...I know it all!' She then started shouting at gramps saying she wanted to go home....now!
She constantly fiddles in her bag, wraps things in tissue and puts them in her bag and rips up bits of tissue and hides them in places.
My mum is in despair as nans a lot worse since shes been in England....but we had to have them come back home, if we hadnt - god knows what would have happened to them both!
Even though she does all of the above, there are times when she is fine and will sit and chat happily, she doesnt always know who you are, but shes like the old nan ive always loved, singing and chatting and laughing.
Its because of this that me and mum are in turmoil, even though shes bad most of the time, the thought of putting her into a home when there is still a bit of the old nan left, is heartbreaking.
My mum is separated and there is my brother(27) and sister(16) living at home who both work full-time. My mum works part-time and needs the money she makes to keep the house, so there is no way she can give up work. I am married with 2 children in primary school - I can be there somedays, but I have a job too.
When is the time to have nan put into the hands of proffesionals who can care for her, we are scared that if we did it now she would hate us - as she sometimes knows who we are, would she go 100 times worse and totally forget us by moving her into a home? Are we being cruel, fobbing her off cos we cant all put the time in thats needed to look after her?
Any words of hope would be much appreciated, thank you x
Ive joined this forum as my mum and I need some help with my Nan (my mum's mum)
My nan has been living in Spain for the last 17yrs with my gramps. They moved out there for health reasons, my gramps had severe asthma and a warmer climate was suggested to him by his GP.
It was about 6 years ago that we first started to recognise changes in my nan, firstly her memory, she would ask you if you wanted a drink and make you one - then 5 mins later ask the same thing again. She has gotten worse over the years and has only had my gramps to look after her. He doesnt allow her to cook, clean or do anything. She gets up in the morning and puts on the same clothes shes had on for weeks. My mum last visited them in October 2004 and was surprised when she arrived there to find my nan in smelly dirty clothes and their apartment was dirty. My gramps has been in charge of daily cleaning and cooking etc but had been going out to eat twice a day because he couldnt be bothered to cook anymore. He has also been drinking heavily and been getting himself into some right states - me and mum know this is because of the stress of dealing with my nan 24/7. We have pleaded with him now for years to come back to England where we can help him with Nan - but he wouldnt come back - what could we do?
My gramps was due to come over to England with Nan for Christmas at my mums house - that took some persuation! When they didnt get off the plane at Manchester my mum rang me and asked me to ring them in Spain. I rang their home and my nan answered the phone! I told her who I was and asked to speak to gramps - there was no point askin her why she hadnt got on the plane cos she wouldnt have known she was coming anyway! She sounded really funny in her voice and didnt know who I was? I heard her call my gramps who came to the phone sounding strange aswell. I asked him why he hadnt come over to England and he just said he didnt feel too well and would see us next year. I immediately phoned my mum and told her something was wrong - my mum and uncle flew out to Spain the next morning.
When they got to my nan and gramps apartment they were met by my nan at the door who looked like a frightened child all hunchbacked and in her pj's, she didnt know who they were but was pleased to see someone as she was frantic for them to come in and have a look at her husband cos she thought he was dead!My mum found my gramps on the couch asleep and intoxicated. The apartment smelled of urine and there was no food in either. It was clear something had happened, as they were both in a state. When they got my gramps to the doctors, he confirmed what we thought - my gramps had suffered a stroke. Probably brought on by coping with nan, as his temper was short and he always shouted at her whenever she forgot things. 6 yrs of shouting would give anyone a stroke.
My mum told the doctor about how they had been living and pleaded with him to advise my gramps to come home to England - as none of us have ever been able to convince him he needed help. The doctor told my gramps he could no longer look after himself or my nan and urged him to return to England to family that can help him and give him a break from nan.
They are now at my mums house and its been 2 days since mum brought them over. We've told nan that she's on holiday - which seemed to work for a bit, but she doesnt know who we all are sometimes and the sudden change in enviroment has had an effect. Yesterday she thought that my mum was a cleaner and that shes in a hotel and I was a guest there. Today, she thinks its her house and has been shouting at my sister askin her what is she doing getting things out of a drawer without asking permission. She has shouted at me tonite saying that the things in her house will be gone and my gramps doesnt care, then she had an attack of paranoia and was looking at me and my mum saying 'You better not be talking about me, I know you know...yes you think I dont know...but I know...I know it all!' She then started shouting at gramps saying she wanted to go home....now!
She constantly fiddles in her bag, wraps things in tissue and puts them in her bag and rips up bits of tissue and hides them in places.
My mum is in despair as nans a lot worse since shes been in England....but we had to have them come back home, if we hadnt - god knows what would have happened to them both!
Even though she does all of the above, there are times when she is fine and will sit and chat happily, she doesnt always know who you are, but shes like the old nan ive always loved, singing and chatting and laughing.
Its because of this that me and mum are in turmoil, even though shes bad most of the time, the thought of putting her into a home when there is still a bit of the old nan left, is heartbreaking.
My mum is separated and there is my brother(27) and sister(16) living at home who both work full-time. My mum works part-time and needs the money she makes to keep the house, so there is no way she can give up work. I am married with 2 children in primary school - I can be there somedays, but I have a job too.
When is the time to have nan put into the hands of proffesionals who can care for her, we are scared that if we did it now she would hate us - as she sometimes knows who we are, would she go 100 times worse and totally forget us by moving her into a home? Are we being cruel, fobbing her off cos we cant all put the time in thats needed to look after her?
Any words of hope would be much appreciated, thank you x