Respite care

[MReader]

I have been my husband's sole carer for 5 years since his stroke & dementia - he also has prostate cancer which is now in his bones.
Apart from a couple of weekends when his family had him, I have never done respite care before.
I am going on holiday to Turkey next week with a couple of girlfriends who have 'bullied' me into going - although I must say I am excited & looking forward to it very much.
I have arranged for a live-in carer to be here with my husband as I thought this may be less stressful for him than to be in a care home where he would be in strange surroundings.
My biggest worry is that I will have a taste of 'normal' life & not want to go back to caring - although I love my husband & want the best for him
Any words of wisdom out there, please?? ??

 

[jfmb]

Guilt

I have been my husband's sole carer for 5 years since his stroke & dementia - he also has prostate cancer which is now in his bones.
Apart from a couple of weekends when his family had him, I have never done respite care before.
I am going on holiday to Turkey next week with a couple of girlfriends who have 'bullied' me into going - although I must say I am excited & looking forward to it very much.
I have arranged for a live-in carer to be here with my husband as I thought this may be less stressful for him than to be in a care home where he would be in strange surroundings.
My biggest worry is that I will have a taste of 'normal' life & not want to go back to caring - although I love my husband & want the best for him
Any words of wisdom out there, please?? ??

It is the case unfortunately, and just for feeling that way one becomes so riddled with guilt. As your husband will be cared for at home you won't have the distress caused by that person not wanting to leave respite care ! My mother has always been and wanted to be the centre of attention and she gets this in a care home! I have noticed in less than a year how she doesn't regard home as home, doesn't know me and as I almost kill myself physically and mentally she seems to get physically fitter, and as an amblance man said to me "She's fine except for the dementia but she will be outliving you at this rate".

I have come to realise after this last respite stint in a care home how ill it was making me and how she really doesn't care who or where she is looked after. I have just had to make the most awful and difficult decision of my life - she is having to go into full time care. I can't take being bitten, scratched and hit any more.

I am 60 and disabled myself and have debilitating illnesses which of course have got worse caring for her. Doctors and various health workers wouldn't believe me when I told them about her ever increasing aggression,schizophrenic and destructive behaviour (I am frightened of her as she is mobile and strong) last week after a few days in respite they called in the 'experts' becaue of her behaviour etc.who now after over 6 months actually believe me. Am I angry YES. But even though I still flip between no she'll be OK home - and then remember how it felt 24 hours a day to cope, I know I have made the right decision.

I promise you you will know what's the right time for you and please be a little selfish.I have looked after her for 6 years plus, but cannot go on. Give yourself you life back - we only get one - would my mother have expected me to kill herself for her ? No. Would she be shocked at the effect it has had on me ? Yes. If the situations were reversed would I be in a home now? Yes and would have been there a few years by now !

My thoughts are with you