Where is best for Mum to live at this stage

[Maryo]

Hi I am new to the Forum today. My 93 year old Mum lives alone in a nice comfy secure flat in Pimlico. She has late onset Alzheimer's diagnosed in June. I live in Surrey and retired last year and I visit on alternate days and stay overnight on Thursdays. It's taken me most of this year to get doctor interested, district nurses to actually notice her weight loss, and all the other stuff that Forum users are already familiar with. Mums flat is clean (I do it) and easy for her to get around with rails,adapted toilet etc. it is also baking hot about 80 degrees which she loves. A lovely care lady comes in for an hour on the weekday afternoons I am not there and makes tea and tidies up. I phone every day. But Mum is deteriorating and lonely and getting frightened about what is happening to her. My brother and sister have died in the last 10 years so she grieves for them. The rest of the family are in Ireland.

My dilemma is this: Mum isn't happy living alone and I have space for her in my house. I have got a downstairs room ready, with bed, sofa, shower. My hubby is happy to help me look after her. But when she comes down she isn't happy here. It's too cold (radiators on all the time but a house is different to her flat), she doesn't want to be left alone here so we can't go out gets cross when friends call or phone me and wants all my attention, wanders about at night. I am thinking that perhaps I should go up and stay with her in the evenings and overnight 4 times a week and come home at midday with carer coming in pm. It would leave us some personal time together without upheaval of our home life. Has anyone tried this sort of arrangement? Would really appreciate advice.

 

[MeganCat]

Welcome to TP Maryo
I have no experience of living in - I am located too far away from mums old flat in the north of scotland to have stayed over a couple of times per week - however my mum was adamant she wanted to stay in her flat, I tried to persuade her to consider sheltered housing, or a move closer to me but she wouldn't have any of it until she started hallucinating and getting paranoid about neighbours - by then she was deteriorating rapidly had carers 3 times a day and a nice cleaner/friend who I arranged to go in and spend time with her 3 times a week and such a move would only ever have been short term as she was heading towards needing 24/7 and she ended up going into hospital and from there to a care home near me.

From what I've read on here people who 'live in care' for relatives are taking on a massive undertaking - I admire you for considering it. would 4 days be enough? When it becomes that it is not what would your plans be? Might this influence your mum (would she understand implications and that coming to you is possibly a more long term solution?)
Good luck x

 

[Jessbow]

Its very very difficult committing to that much time- been there done it, nearly had the breakdown!

its very commendable and i know why you want to do it ( same reasons as I did I guess) but the problem is, its takes up so much of your life and would soon become 24/7

Maybe she needs residential care now- I urge you to think along those lines.

 

[Oxy]

It seems to me that your mum is frightened and that really it would be in her best interests to be looked after 24/7 as the fear/anxieties they get are real. Dementias are so unpredictable and I know you only want the best for her.BUT I strongly recommend finding a nice CH for her. Please don't move in with her long term or vice versa-it is a massive undertaking, very restrictive and please do not jeopardise your marriage.
I would actively look for a lovely CH near you that satisfies her needs medically and physically.
I know it is such a hard decision to make.
Whilst you have the phone for contact now, there may come a point where she is unable to utilise this form of communication. Also the carer that comes in is only for 1 hour. Time goes so slowly when you have dementia. 10 minutes can be like an hour to a sufferer. Your mum has had it hard-the grief could indeed exacerbate her symptoms.
I do hope that whatever decision you come to, it is the right one for all of you. It is such an emotionally difficult wearing time making such decisions for a loved one. In a care home with activity around her it would hopefully give her less time to think of her losses-indeed the hardest loss of all for a mother is to outlive her children, whatever age. I so wish you well.

 

[Darren 48]

Me and my wife moved my mum in with us in Feb 2014 we also live with 2 children aged 16 and 15.it has not been easy we have good days and bad days and recently we have had to put mum in for respite care as we could not not cope as she had a water infection and was poorly ,mum has now returned home with us again we have had a good week this week mum is 83 I'm 49 next month it's a terrible disease good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[clareglen]

When they can't be left alone at all, esp at night, which is where we are at (Mum in hospital at mo but medically fit now) it's time for a care home. I contemplated her sleeping in ours (we live next door) but it's taking 2 & 3 staff to manage/move her so they won't allow her to come home just to me, so she's going into a care home next week. The disease has beaten me, but after the break of her being in hospital for 4 weeks I'm OK with it now. And we have to have a life too.

 

[Kevinl]

Which is best for you? Going and staying more nights with her (in the sauna) inconvenient though it may be might be easier for now, where she's happiest then see how it goes. It is a changing situation and in the future the move might become the best option for you both, just take it as it comes.
As for the heating thing there's no solution.
My mother needed in the 80 degree range all the time but as a child I remember her saying about my grandmother "if she goes to hell she'll be shovelling more coal on the fire" seems to run in the family, age related colditis.
K

 

[FifiMo]

Have you explored whether there are any day care centres near where you mum lives? Perhaps some of the local care homes also run a day care service too. This could be an intermediate solution to her being lonely and give you the comfort of knowing that someone is there to look after her whilst she is there. This would give you some more free time perhaps and as well as that it would give you some time to observe how she settles in to that environment as this might then determine what the next step may or may not be. As supportive as you and your husband are, it is a big thing to take on 24/7 care on your own and you are already recognising the constraints and that is before she even arrives. So, do not rule out that a care home might in fact be the best place for her especially if she likes the attention and/or needs that level of care round the clock. They are the ones that are staffed to be able to cope with this. My mother loved her care home. She thrived on people being around her all the time. We were convinced that she didn't sleep at night so she could go sit with the staff and hear all their stories! LOL

I hope you find a solution that works for all of you - please don't make yourself sick though by thinking the only one is to have her move in with you.

Fiona