Mik1929

Mik1929

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
19
0
I am Mik1929 and I care for my wife who has dementia but does not admit it. We are both in our mid eighties and I am her sole carer. I find it pretty tiring as I only have two mornings off during the week as my wife neds me near at all times. Luckily I am in reasonable health at the moment but that cannot last for ever.
I am sure that there are others in far more difficult situations so I shall sign off now and look forward to hearing from others in the same boat.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Welcome Mik1929 although I'm sad you had to find the forum. I am not in the same boat as you, as it is my mam who has dementia, but I'm sure other people with spouses affected will be here before long to welcome you also and to share their experiences with you.

In the meantime, please ask any questions you want to, or share your own experiences of looking after your dear wife with us as we are all here to support each other.

Best wishes.
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,034
0
74
Durham
Hello Mik my husband is the same he goes to a day centre for a few hours 3 times a week that is my free time he is 66, he likes me to be with him all of the time ,
welcome to Talking Point I hope you can get some extra care for her because your health is important, crossroads do a sitting service,

http://www.carerstrust4all.org.uk/our-services.html

it might be worth contacting them or the alzheimers society have local branches who will be able to give you some advice,

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/localinfo

Best wishes to you and your wife,
Jeany xx
 
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jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
Hi and welcome from me too.

My husband who was diagnosed at 62 had the same behaviour. He was my shadow and was never more than a foot behind me, to the side of me, all day every day. It was exhausting and so annoying. I dealt with this through most of my 60s, could I have managed in my mid 80s, I don't think I could. I have no advice to give, I never found a solution myself.

Please keep posting on the forum we can be of support to you whenever needed.

Jay
 

halojones

Registered User
May 7, 2014
438
0
Hello Mik and welcome to the forum..Please don't think anyone has more problems than you, we are all in the same boat and it doesn't matter what it is,we are here to support each other and can give you some invaluable advice...Do you have help from any family?You must get as much help and time off as you can, its so demanding being a carer,...There is a lot of information online, but all of us TPers can give you any info you need..I took mum to the local De Cafe which is run once a month by the AZ and it was a good time out,we met lots of others and there were a lot of fellas there which was good,lots of banter and support for each other...Best Wishes to you x
 

gringo

Registered User
Feb 1, 2012
1,188
0
UK.
I am Mik1929 and I care for my wife who has dementia but does not admit it. We are both in our mid eighties and I am her sole carer. I find it pretty tiring as I only have two mornings off during the week as my wife neds me near at all times. Luckily I am in reasonable health at the moment but that cannot last for ever.
I am sure that there are others in far more difficult situations so I shall sign off now and look forward to hearing from others in the same boat.

Welcome to TP. Mik, My wife and I are also in our mid eighties, in almost the same situation as yourself. From my experience, I would have to say that everything hangs on your continuing good health. I believe you would be wise to make contingency plans for somebody to take over should you be unable to continue. This could be choosing a CH. or in-home carers. Have you got a Power of Attorney sorted out?
It's a rotten heart-breaking business and you have my full sympathy. If you have any specific queries, ask away. Only too pleased to be able to help.
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,790
0
Hertfordshire
I was given acard which I carried with me fromsocialservices with a code on it.if I was taken ill in the house or outside then the card could be used to contact social services and the code was the key to all my details. Pele to ring in emergency so my husband could've cared for while sSSfound a more permanent place forbid. It was ever used but was a source of comfort to me.

Jeannette
 

Mik1929

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
19
0
Medication

I pay for a carer to come in the evening to give my wife medication. Last night we were five minutes late arriving home as we had been to my sons place. Arrived home and carer was on the doorstep. Left wife to get out of the car as she usually does. Next thing the carer is at the door saying that my wife has hit her. Turns out she pushed her away as she likes to get out of the car on her own. Carer will report to her office.
Do I need to have a carer to give the medication? My wife says she does not need a carer to give her the pills but I feel that there could be trouble if there is not anyone present when giving the medication.
Any advice please. Sorry to be so long winded.
 

halojones

Registered User
May 7, 2014
438
0
I pay for a carer to come in the evening to give my wife medication. Last night we were five minutes late arriving home as we had been to my sons place. Arrived home and carer was on the doorstep. Left wife to get out of the car as she usually does. Next thing the carer is at the door saying that my wife has hit her. Turns out she pushed her away as she likes to get out of the car on her own. Carer will report to her office.
Do I need to have a carer to give the medication? My wife says she does not need a carer to give her the pills but I feel that there could be trouble if there is not anyone present when giving the medication.
Any advice please. Sorry to be so long winded.
Hello Mik, What a overreaction from the carer, it is just ridiculous, and she is in the wrong job if that is how she is going to react...Can you not give your wife her meds?I don't think that you have to have any carers at all if you don't want to, and if your wife doesn't want carers,then she doesn't have to..I find with this illness the worst part is all the official stuff_ it piles on extra pressure when you just don't need it..If you start a new post,you should get more answers, as it seems we can get a bit lost on here as there are a lot of people needing advice...Also,you are not being long winded...All the best
 

Mik1929

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
19
0
Medication

Hello Mik, What a overreaction from the carer, it is just ridiculous, and she is in the wrong job if that is how she is going to react...Can you not give your wife her meds?I don't think that you have to have any carers at all if you don't want to, and if your wife doesn't want carers,then she doesn't have to..I find with this illness the worst part is all the official stuff_ it piles on extra pressure when you just don't need it..If you start a new post,you should get more answers, as it seems we can get a bit lost on here as there are a lot of people needing advice...Also,you are not being long winded...All the best
Thanks halo jones.
I am going to try giving my wife her medication as you suggest. The only thing is that she can get very disturbed thinking that it is the wrong medication. However, that is the nature of the illness and we have to live with it. Thank you for your concern and it is good to be able to let off steam every so often and to know that you are not alone in this. Thanks again an I hope that your situation is not too bad.
 

nicoise

Registered User
Jun 29, 2010
1,806
0
Dear Mik1929,

I don't know if this might help with your wife taking medication, but would she perhaps be more compliant if she is told that "The doctor says it will help you"?

I'm afraid a few helpful white lies like that can take the arguments out of a situation, especially if a person has respect for authority figures (although perhaps not if she doesn't like doctors!)

I understand you might not like to be dishonest with her, but sometimes being able to choose your battles can ease the challenges.

I'm sorry also that the carer didn't handle your wife very well - unfortunately not all carers are fully understanding of dementia and how to deal with someone sympathetically.

Good luck!
 

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
609
0
Scotland
Dear Mik

I care for my husband - he is housebound so most of the time I am too as he needs someone with him. A care worker comes in the morning to help him with shower/washing & dressing and I do everything else, including all catheter care and medication. We get his medication from chemist in a Dosette Box. If you do not already do that, it could be helpful to start getting pills that way so that if/when your wife gets worried that medication is wrong, you may be able to reassure her as it has been sorted out by the chemist.

Best wishes xx
 

halojones

Registered User
May 7, 2014
438
0
Hello Mik

Me again..I look after my mum, and she has the sweetest disposition ever, but even she got a bit pushy with the carers when she had them, told them to get out,! she didn't need them(she did at the time) its just part of the whole picture of not understanding that the help is needed, and the carers/agency should understand this...who doesn't get a bit grumpy if someone is in our way, being tactless.:rolleyes: I also tell mum the meds are from the doctor as she has respect for them, so she doesn't query that..(true anyway!)Some lovelies do make life a lot easier :)....I hope you get more advise as I don't have ans for all your queries...Do you get much help from your family,? I do think that you should let them know how hard caring is and get as much help from them as you can..I am lucky that mum isn't too difficult to care for, but I have a lot of hassle with family, and as for the authorities ,well I just don't know why its all made so extra difficult..Take Care Mik and keep posting x
 
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Mik1929

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
19
0
Medication

Dear Mik1929,

I don't know if this might help with your wife taking medication, but would she perhaps be more compliant if she is told that "The doctor says it will help you"?

I'm afraid a few helpful white lies like that can take the arguments out of a situation, especially if a person has respect for authority figures (although perhaps not if she doesn't like doctors!)

I understand you might not like to be dishonest with her, but sometimes being able to choose your battles can ease the challenges.

I'm sorry also that the carer didn't handle your wife very well - unfortunately not all carers are fully understanding of dementia and how to deal with someone sympathetically.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for your reply. I shall try out your suggestion and se what results. Having to pay for a carer to come in every day seems a bit over the top and also tends to restrict us if we wish to go out as we have to be back by a certain time. I do appreciate your taking the trouble to reply to my post as it can be very lonely when you are the sole carer. Anyway, enough moaning, and thank you again.
Mik1929.
 

Mik1929

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
19
0
Medication

Me again..I look after my mum, and she has the sweetest disposition ever, but even she got a bit pushy with the carers when she had them, told them to get out,! she didn't need them(she did at the time) its just part of the whole picture of not understanding that the help is needed, and the carers/agency should understand this...who doesn't get a bit grumpy if someone is in our way, being tactless.:rolleyes: I also tell mum the meds are from the doctor as she has respect for them, so she doesn't query that..(true anyway!)Some lovelies do make life a lot easier :)....I hope you get more advise as I don't have ans for all your queries...Do you get much help from your family,? I do think that you should let them know how hard caring is and get as much help from them as you can..I am lucky that mum isn't too difficult to care for, but I have a lot of hassle with family, and as for the authorities ,well I just don't know why its all made so extra difficult..Take Care Mik and keep posting x

thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply to my post. I am lucky that I have great support from my sons but they do not live very close and also have their own families and work to deal with. Also my youngest son lives in America and due to my wife's illness we can no longer visit him although he did visit us last month for a short stay.
Thank you again for your thoughts.
Mik1929
 

Mik1929

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
19
0
Medication

Me again..I look after my mum, and she has the sweetest disposition ever, but even she got a bit pushy with the carers when she had them, told them to get out,! she didn't need them(she did at the time) its just part of the whole picture of not understanding that the help is needed, and the carers/agency should understand this...who doesn't get a bit grumpy if someone is in our way, being tactless.:rolleyes: I also tell mum the meds are from the doctor as she has respect for them, so she doesn't query that..(true anyway!)Some lovelies do make life a lot easier :)....I hope you get more advise as I don't have ans for all your queries...Do you get much help from your family,? I do think that you should let them know how hard caring is and get as much help from them as you can..I am lucky that mum isn't too diffIicult to care for, but I have a lot of hassle with family, and as for the authorities ,well I just don't know why its all made so extra difficult..Take Care Mik and keep posting x

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. It makes a great difference to unburden yourself on line as I do not have much of a conversation with my wife as her memory is so bad. Had to break off this post as my wife came in in tears saying that she can find no socks as someone is stealing them. Found two pairs which will do for now.
Life goes on, just.
Mik1929
 

halojones

Registered User
May 7, 2014
438
0
Hello Mik

How are you? How did you get on with the carers agency and your wife's meds..? I would like to advise you to get in touch with your local carers centre, and go to the carers coffee morning once a month..Can you leave your wife for a time, a couple of hours? I started to go to the coffee morns and it was the best thing i did...I have a support worker from the carers centre and she is such a help..She let's me complain, helps me with a lot of problems, I have had so much help from her and she is lovely.:).Also I took mum to the De cafe(also 1 a month) and again, I met a lot of smashing people and there were a lot of male carers there, who were good fun, chatting about golf, footie..Would you be able to go, as the contact with others is really important and just lightens the day.!...The great thing about the internet is how much we can find out about and chat to others...What about Skype(I have not learnt it yet, but I do intend to soon) would you be able to Skype your families? Now about the socks and stealing, if you can, I would say to your wife that you had them, that you were looking after them, and what a silly thing you are!!;) I am always a" siilybilly" to my mum....:) it will give your wife an answer to her confusion and take away the fear...I put a light on for mum with everything, physically and mentally....but its always so different for everyone, what works for me may not work for you, but we can only try...The tea room on TP is also a nice place to post or chat with others....Take Care and chat soon x
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
Hello Mik and welcome to TP :)

I have just caught up with your thread and I'm sorry you are having such problems :( I have no answers I'm afraid....I care for my mum and like your wife and halojones' mum, she is very resistant to having carers. And it is so expensive, for just a short visit, isn't it?

I wonder whether you have applied for Attendance Allowance for your wife? She would very likely be entitled to this. And if so, there is the possiblity of a reduction in council tax....every little helps!

Also have you had any support from Adult Social Care, in the form of a carers assessment for you? You are entitled to have this and it may result in a bit of practical support.

Hope your day has been okay.

All the best and keep posting

Lindy x
 

Grandma Joan

Registered User
Mar 29, 2013
276
0
Wiltshire
Hello Mik,

My Mum looked after my Dad for 7 years with mixed Dementia until he died last year. He was 90 she is a year younger.

I cant emphasise enough how she wore herself to a frazzle trying to be everything for him. We all loved him dearly, he was adorable, such a lovely fellow of such a sweet disposition but he wouldn't let Mum out of his sight and this really wore her down. We were worried the stress would take her before him.

For about 6 months he started going to a day care centre once a week. It did give mum a break, but he returned home very agitated and often wouldn't settle for hours.

Towards the end we managed to get mum to accept more help by way of carers for him but she was very resistant and in the end she was so beside herself we had to take the painful decision to move Dad into a care home.

I do believe if Mum had allowed more care in to help her and give her more time to relax and do things for herself then she would have been able to cope with Dad for longer and not have to take the decision to move Dad into a care home which broke all our hearts.

All our experiences are different, but I do hope by sharing you find some comfort and maybe some courage to accept more help and give yourself some time to relax and take a break.

PS my Dad qualified for the full rate AA which is about £78 per week. (it is not means tested) Ask Age UK to help you complete the form. Also your wife will be Council Tax exempt and you would then get a reduction for a single person. All this helps towards funding some extra care or a day at the care centre.
 
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