My mum has been recently diagnosed with vascular dementia. I spent 2 years encouraging my dad to take her to the GP as I felt the early symptoms were obvious but she is only now 61 and he wished for them to enjoy a healthy retirement - obviously.
Dad finds me a bit 'hard' and indeed we fell out about a year ago when I insisted he stop her driving. Of course the first thing he was told earlier this year after her scans and confirmed diagnosis was to not let her drive and dad seemed to think I'd get some pleasure out of being right but that's not true at all. I just feel desperately sad.
I live several hundreds of miles away from mum and dad and changed jobs from full to part time so I can help more but it's not going as I had hoped. Mum behaves differently when she is not with dad and he feels she's happier just with him so after another recent visit he's suggested I don't see them as often as they are happy enough just the 2 of them as he can 'manage' her behaviours. I just don't know what to do as I want to help and feel dad needs a break. What experiences do others have and what could they suggest?
When I do spend time alone with mum should I just not tell dad the kind of things mum is doing? If he is happy to accept some of her odd behaviours should I accept them too and not correct her? Some examples are: changing her clothes repeatedly; rinsing dirty dishes in cold water, wiping them with a dishcloth and putting them away; showing pictures of my dad to strangers; complaining about ANY insect life in shops or restaurants demanding they deal with it; using inappropriate language that people can hear; going on and on about dad demanding I take her back to him; generally talking to strangers at length about herself. She is almost nasty to me and was a couple of times to my teenage daughter but these incidents always happen when dad is not there. Typing this I realise that the answer is to ignore and wait for dad to ask for help but I'm sad and feel helpless
Any advice gladly appreciated.
Dad finds me a bit 'hard' and indeed we fell out about a year ago when I insisted he stop her driving. Of course the first thing he was told earlier this year after her scans and confirmed diagnosis was to not let her drive and dad seemed to think I'd get some pleasure out of being right but that's not true at all. I just feel desperately sad.
I live several hundreds of miles away from mum and dad and changed jobs from full to part time so I can help more but it's not going as I had hoped. Mum behaves differently when she is not with dad and he feels she's happier just with him so after another recent visit he's suggested I don't see them as often as they are happy enough just the 2 of them as he can 'manage' her behaviours. I just don't know what to do as I want to help and feel dad needs a break. What experiences do others have and what could they suggest?
When I do spend time alone with mum should I just not tell dad the kind of things mum is doing? If he is happy to accept some of her odd behaviours should I accept them too and not correct her? Some examples are: changing her clothes repeatedly; rinsing dirty dishes in cold water, wiping them with a dishcloth and putting them away; showing pictures of my dad to strangers; complaining about ANY insect life in shops or restaurants demanding they deal with it; using inappropriate language that people can hear; going on and on about dad demanding I take her back to him; generally talking to strangers at length about herself. She is almost nasty to me and was a couple of times to my teenage daughter but these incidents always happen when dad is not there. Typing this I realise that the answer is to ignore and wait for dad to ask for help but I'm sad and feel helpless
Any advice gladly appreciated.