moving to a care home

[northern star]

hi after three years of caring for Mum, her dementia has now worsened to the point where me and my sister can't help her any more. We have found a lovely care home for her and there is a room ready for her next week.
As Mum has not much short term memory we are at a loss how to tell her that she is going. Mum has been lonely for a while now and I know it will be the best thing for her, but when we have broached the subject in the past she always says its not for her.
She went into respite care a few weeks back and although reluctant to go at first, really enjoyed it and did not want to come home!
As she has not been well recently, we have thought about telling her she is going somewhere to convalesce (this was suggested by her GP and the care home manager agreed to go along with this) not mentioning that it is permanent and hoping that she will settle and forget about being at home, but it seems a bit deceitful to me.
If we tell her its permanent I know we will get a flat refusal and a battle!
She really needs to be in 24/7 care now as she is not eating or drinking enough, has no concept of personal hygiene and is prone to anxiety and wandering in the late afternoons.
As I'm sure many people have had a similar situation, please can any one offer us some advice on how to best handle this?

Thanks

 

[Sunbell]

Hi Northern Star,

Unfortunately we carers for our loved ones with Alzheimer/Dementia have to sometimes tell 'little white lies' just to prevent further unhappiness of the one we love.

Why not explain to mum that she is going to have respite care like she had before and which she enjoyed, it would be better not to mention it is a permanent move. I had to do this with my mum as she always said no to permanent care.

After a few weeks as she settles there is no need to mention coming home, you will feel guilty doing this as so have many others.

The main point is that deep down you know that this type of care is now necessary for mum and you really are making the correct decision for her future care and well being.

It really is very heart rendering I know and that guilt monster keeps appearing on your shoulder. Don't be too hard on yourself, you know mum will be well cared for.

Also just because mum goes into care does not mean you have to stop helping with her care. I take part in mums care whenever I am able to do so (I am disabled myself) and we can enjoy quality time together without any of the terrible experiences we had when caring at home.

Of course this is only my opinion but it worked for me and my mum as I hope it will do the same for you and your dear mum.

Take care and hope all goes well.

Sunbell

 

[Fed Up]

Hi Northern Star
The advice you've been given is right a sort of see how you get on approach was used by us and my mum settled in and is really happy. A lot of bad stuff is written about care homes but my mums is great. In this situation its not possible to explain things and avoid a knee jerk reaction. So a bit of truthful avoidance and skirting around the issue has to be employed. No point in being truthful if its cruel to the loved one. So I'd ignore the truth at all costs because it hurts and a gently well you might like to see if you'd like to try the activities and do you remember that nice lady you chatted to approach is helpful.
My mums care home is in Wales, Croydon, Chatham etc depending on who your talking to, there is no harm in that. LOL my mum thinks its odd that cars are parking in her garden but its ok as the new neighbours are really nice. Perhaps 'cos they play Bingo and Whist?? She's lived in a flat for 15 years the garden now with parasols up is most likely a comfort as she loves flowers and being outside. Confused yes but also happy. I'm pleased for you its a big decision. Don't feel guilty as she might really perk up and enjoy herself my mum looks better, sounds stronger and is certainly well fed and cared for.

 

[Witzend]

As she has not been well recently, we have thought about telling her she is going somewhere to convalesce (this was suggested by her GP and the care home manager agreed to go along with this) not mentioning that it is permanent and hoping that she will settle and forget about being at home, but it seems a bit deceitful to me.
If we tell her its permanent I know we will get a flat refusal and a battle!

That seems the best idea, if she's going to accept it. 'The doctor says...' can often work where all else fails.
And please don't feel bad about being 'deceitful' - so many of us have had to tell little white lies (or even middle-sized grey ones) because it was the only way to achieve what was absolutely necessary without causing a lot of stress, upset, or battling all round.
Since I have been involved with dementia (an awful long time now) I have learned that the best policy - certainly where short-term memory is already very bad - is nearly always to say whatever will keep them (reasonably) happy for the moment.

 

[starryuk]

Depending on where your mum lives now, could you tell her that you are having some decorations done, the roof fixed, something like that? She must move out to a 'hotel' while the work is going on?

My mum, too, often thinks her CH is her house and wonders how she can afford to pay for such a huge one with magnificent grounds. She sometimes asks 'is this where I live now?' and as some months have passed since she arrived, I say 'yes'.

My mum is very nosey and loves watching all the comings and goings of the residents and visitors. Last week she mentioned that she hadn't been to check on the kitchen staff that day. 'To make sure they aren't just sitting around not working.' Talk about delusions of grandeur!!!!

So, life in a CH can be much more entertaining than sitting alone in a flat waiting for a visitor all day. But it is absolutely heartrending having to take that first step, I know.

Good luck with the move, be brave

xx

 

[Fed Up]

"So, life in a CH can be much more entertaining than sitting alone in a flat waiting for a visitor all day. But it is absolutely heartrending having to take that first step, I know." Well said !!!

And that in a nutshell is my whole belief about care homes , they can be very good places, and lively too. My mum has no delusions of grandeur but has really perked up, she had lost interest in so many things now the world is just that bit bigger. Although not relevant to her care its important to see that as carers we matter too and I'm happy even if its selfish. I can hopefully look forward to time with my family without worrying about her lunch, her washing, her personal care etc. It all takes its toll so do what is right as the doctor said for your mum and do please took forward to visiting her without guilt.

 

[Dave53]

Hi Northern Star,
I am exactly a week ahead of you, as I moved my mum into a CH last Monday.
I had no choice in the matter, she had suffered vascular dementia and a stroke put her in hospital, Social Workers wouldn't let her go home alone, so I found a CH which looked better than Social Worker's default choice.
The thing is she is on a 4 week trial contract, at the end of which either party can walk away. So I am not lying when I tell mum she is going to CH for a few weeks convalescence. There is no guarantee that she will stay there.
We all know that the prognosis isn't good, the prospects of her being well enough to go home alone after 4 weeks are remote, but were a miracle cure to occur, she could go home. So do not worry about lying to mum, none of us knows the future.

Dave

 

[1954]

Do you have to tell your mum anything? Can't you just say you are going out and then when you get the CH, go in and the staff will take over. The staff are well used to this. I thing it will then be more 'seamless'. By trying to explain will cause a huge amount of anxiety and stress for your mum and to no avail. I hope it all works out well for you x

 

[elizabet]

The care home manager came to visit my Mum at home and invited her to go along for a fish and chip lunch the following Friday to which she agreed . On the day I said we were going out to lunch (she had forgotten all about it) Once at the home she was greeted by a lady resident who Mum had known since her childhood and they sat together and enjoyed lunch . The manager showed Mum her room and the ploy was that the doctors and social workers wanted her to stay a bit to get her fit as at this time she had infected leg ulcers. The hardest part and the most emotional part for me was that I had already packed her case and put her clothes toiletries in the room I felt so deceptive and as if I had betrayed my Mum BUT IT WAS FOR THE BEST-I cried buckets as I sneaked out leaving her there but she likes it there now. Sometimes it is a hotel sometimes it is a hospital but she is fed, given regular medication , has company and stimulation and 24 hour staff around .

 

[jeany123]

It looks as though things went really well and you know it is for the best ,

Best wishes Jeany x

 

[jaymor]

It appears to be all pluses and no minuses which is great. Hopefully it will stay that way with both your Mum and yourself benefiting from the change. You can still care for your Mum but in a nicer way and your Mum is getting all the extra benefits that residential care brings. Well done,

Jay