SIL in a Pickle

[penga]

Hi all

Let us be clear from the start, the pickle is of her own making, but it is now engulfing all of us and the pressure cooker is about to EXPLODE. MIL has always been my way or no way but since SIL started caring? ITS WORSE. MIL is making her life a misery asshe is expected to dance attendance every minute of the day and the night as well, if MIL can get away with it. If SIL is putting a load in the washing machine MIL has been left for hours (wet, hungry , thirsty etc. offer her the loo, food, tea etc, NO doesn't want unless SIL comes apologising. If SIL is on the phone MIL starts making noises like an amimal being tortured or kicking the furniture or screaming, same if any of the other residents comes to the door of the flat, MIL kicked off in the residents lounge this morning because she thought SIL had been talking for someone too long, not even a minute by my watch. Since SIL cancelled the carers MIL will not let anyone else take her to the toilet, prepare food or drink., so SIL is on the phone all the time bemoaning her lack of life and afraid am tempted to say "We told you this is what would happen". On a practical note where do we go from here, MIL also tried to hit me with her walking stick as I told her SIL is not her slave.
This is much condensed.

Regards


C

 

[Owly]

I think she will have to reverse what she has done. Reinstate the carers. Start setting boundaries. Limit the time she spends with MIL and very deliberately walk away as soon as bad behaviour starts. It sounds as if MIL's bad behaviour is quite calculated, and so it can be stopped by making it clear it is unacceptable. If SIL has been a "softie", she will have to harden up. Otherwise she will be a 24/7 slave.

Chemmy posted this really good article earlier, about the triangle of Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor.

http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

SIL started as Rescuer but has now transferred to Victim herself.

MIL started as Victim but is now Persecutor.

The only way out is to get off the triangle, or limit the time you spend being one of these people. Practically speaking, that means bringing in additional Rescuers.

 

[ggma]

What a difficult situation, I think I would find it very hard not to say, I told you so!

Owly is right above, SIL can only draw back and not accept such behaiour it does not benefit anyone! But whether she can see that and will accept being told so is something that you will have to judge.

Using walking stick as a weapon is not acceptable, MIL will find herself with a visit from the police if she does actually hit someone.

Hope you are able to stay strong and let her know that you will not be treated in such a way.

Let us know how you get on.

 

[Chemmy]

Since SIL cancelled the carers MIL will not let anyone else take her to the toilet, prepare food or drink., so SIL is on the phone all the time bemoaning her lack of life and afraid am tempted to say "We told you this is what would happen".

Perhaps you need to turn the tables on SIL and ask her how she wants to deal with it and assure her that you will back her up and help once she's made a decision. Don't let her play the victim - she's the only one who can instigate the change and you can support her, but it's in her hands to start the ball rolling.

 

[penga]

Hi all
thanks for replies, it is all in SIL's lap but she has now been told she has heart problems and is going for tests, tests and yet more tests (Very serious), I made her change GP's as the one she had was an old F*** and b useless into the bargain and this has all happened in the last 10 days. As posted before they live in sheltered accommodation, and SIL had MIL in her flat while MIL had chest infection, but of course as she 24/7 atention MIL does not wish to return to her flat, so have suggested to SIL that they swop. Also SIL is trying desperatly to keep MI's increasing symptoms under wraps, their accommodation does NOT cater for persons
with dementia, you have to be relatively independent!!. OH had to do early am dash as MIL has pulled shower rail/curtain down in the wet room. Have heard from another resident that MIL hit SIL with said walking stick, SIL denies!! So am awaiting crisis.

Regards


C

 

[Owly]

Dear God, it sounds like you won't have to wait for long.

SIL must at all costs protect her health. Swapping flats sounds a good idea so long as MIL doesn't still keep a key to her old flat.

It sounds like somebody else (not SIL) will need to start thinking about a new 'home' for MIL anyway. Once she gets violent and other people are aware that something is wrong, then she might be asked to leave rather suddenly.

 

[ggma]

Your SIL does have a lot to worry about, do hope you can help her see she does not have to carry on accepting MIL as her sole responsibility. Is it the old guilt trap of feeling she must carry on, that so many of us have felt long past the time when we should have looked at alternatives.

If MIL symptons are being masked, then a crisis will occurr and you are left with the worry of what MIL might do, not a good situation all round.

 

[jasmineflower]

Your poor SIL, and poor you too doing all the worrying! That feeling of helplessness is awful isnt it? One softly softly approach to pointing out to your SIL that there is help out there and she doesn't have to do this on her own is to ask one of the Alzheimer's Society Support Workers to do a visit. We recently persuaded my FIL to speak to one and she was so lovely and helpful and made it seem that all these suggestions were coming from someone in authority who knows and not us "telling him what to do". The support worker that came out to us was even willing to hold the meeting in her car, if it avoided any awkward situation in front of my aggressive MIL.