Need a Hug

[PeggySmith]

I just rang up to get the forms for a lasting POA for MIL and am feeling just awful - somehow it seems to make it much more real that she's going to get worse and need loads more help.

I know the above is being a bit silly as I've been well aware that something's going wrong with her for a couple of years now, but we've been bumbling along ok until she went into hospital at the beginning of March when the four of us (2 sons, 2 DILs all living nearby) had to face the reality of her mental state. She's still not too bad, especially since the UTI cleared up, but she has very odd fantasies and her short-term memory is terrible. Still, I guess I somehow thought somewhere deep in my mind that it might all go away until I made that phone call!

 

[tre]

Dear Peggy,
I know exactly how you feel. You know that the dementia demon is around the corner but sometimes it just seems to pop up right in front of you and all your worst fears flood in.
If a virtual hug helps then that is good.
I take solace from the fact I can learn from the experience of others and hope I will be one of the lucky ones who have a relatively smooth journey.
with best wishes,
Tre

 

[alicejude]

Dear Peggy,

Sending you a BIG HUG x

 

[Nanarhos]

Sending you a great big hug. Don't worry about getting poa. Hubby and I did this two years ago, although he didn't realise it was for his benefit. He wasn't too bad then and able to sign papers so I decided to get two done. One for him and one for me (just in case). I told my children what I was doing and they agreed although they havn't implemented either yet. I still have all my faculties (I hope) and have a joint account with hubby so am able to pay bills etc. I did it early so it wouldn't need to be done at a stressful time. I also know people who have done this as a matter of course in case of emergencies. Get it done then forget about it untill you need to implement it. You will know it is in place and have one less worry later on. Thinking of you. Chin up, and put on your public face when you see people. This is what an old lady once told me. It actually helps. Lots of hugs.
Nanarhos

 

[Mun]

I totally echo the above comments about POA,but it seemed to me at the time that I did one for my dad that somehow we had reached the point of no return & I found that reality hard to swallow at first
But now I'm relieved it's sorted & I can concentrate my energies on looking after both my parents. Big hug Peggy xx

Val

 

[Saffie]

I did it early so it wouldn't need to be done at a stressful time. I also know people who have done this as a matter of course in case of emergencies. Get it done then forget about it untill you need to implement it.

I'm about to do mine - and I think all my faculties are where they should be but it only takes an accident or a stroke or something for an LPA to be needed and I don't want my daughters having to go down the Deputyship route as I have for my husband.

I'm afraid that, although maybe a bit of an upsetting wake-up call, an LPA is a minor upset along the dementia road. Best wishes X

 

[Dazmum]

A hug for you Peggy from me too, but if it's any consolation the POA will help you so much in the future, even if you don't activate it straight away. I've lost count of the amount of times that I've said 'thank goodness we have POA!' so although it's a big emotional step, it will save you future stress and worry and that's worth a lot. xxx

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Peggy,
Sending you a big hug and some positive vibes as well.
And love,
Nan XXX

 

[JackyS]

Well done, Peggy - you're doing a good thing. But, I know how hard it feels. I got a POA sorted for my Mum when she was first diagnosed 2 years ago. Although she may not then have fully understood what her prognosis was, she was delighted that I was taking away a potential worry for her.
More recently, I've been able to get access to her bank account, now that the POA is in place. Again, Mum was pleased. And i feel relieved that I can start to spot any worrying trends in withdrawals (Mum is so vulnerable and is starting to struggle to understand cash)
We all need to do as much as we can for our loved ones, to help them live as independently and care free for as long as possible. But i agree wholeheartedly that the initial realisation of what is to come is a tough one.
Hugs all round - I am sure you will find all the support and advice you need here x

 

[PeggySmith]

Ah, thanks guys! I feel so much better knowing that other people understand. I can't really share with family at the moment and need to be "cool, calm and collected" which isn't my natural style at all.

Just off to see her now and I deffo won't be trailing any anxiety along with me...

 

[PeggySmith]

Needed to be calm this afternoon as MIL very weepy about being in a room on her own and worrying about going home.

We still managed to have a laugh, though. She did mention that someone dressed her this morning and that made me remember that she would be wearing a new bra - she can't manage the ones that fasten at the back any more so we got a couple of front fastening ones to go with the two she already had. Anyway, the conversation went like this:
Me: Oh, right. You've got one of those new bras on today. Is it comfortable?
MIL: Have I got a bra on?
(Proceeds to pull jumper up to have a look)
Me: Um, it's on back to front.

I guess the care worker who dressed her hadn't seen one like that before. I joked that she must have thought it's a sports bra and MIL had a good laugh about it.

 

[eastiesgir]

sending you a big hug. I understand where you are coming from. xx
It is often the smaller things that brings things home to me about mums situation. For example a photo up in her care home of her making easter bunny ears and then one of her wearing them. It was so child like that I had to hide my face and brush away my tears.

 

[PeggySmith]

Near disaster avoided! I had the paperwork for POA sent to MIL's house and it arrived yesterday. BIL doesn't know about it yet as he's struggling to accept what's happening to his Mum and we're relying on SIL to "soften him up" but she has to work on it all quite slowly, letting him get used to the idea that his Mum can't really manage any more.

OH & I are off for a few days holiday this afternoon and, last night when we visited MIL in hospital we were told that she's going home tomorrow so I was really relieved when we went to feed MIL's cat that the forms had arrived already and I could whisk them away for the time being.

I never in a million years thought that MIL's illness would/could make me so devious. On a more serious note, I'm concerned about BIL's ability to cope over the weekend, but OH & I really need a break so we're heading off anyway and I know that SIL will step in and make sure that MIL is safe.

I guess this post is really a note to myself to say STOP WORRYING but it's hard, I feel like I'm deserting her (MIL that is).

 

[2jays]

OH & I really need a break so we're heading off anyway and I know that SIL will step in and make sure that MIL is safe.

I guess this post is really a note to myself to say STOP WORRYING but it's hard, I feel like I'm deserting her (MIL that is).

My opinion only.....
If you didn't take the break you do obviously need - that's when it could seem that you were deserting her - as you wouldn't have the "refreshed batteries" we all need to KBO

Enjoy your few days and recharge those batteries !!!!! You deserve it - only one worry thought a day allowed!!!

 

[carastro]

POA needs to be done when the donor (person who's affairs will be managed) is still compus mentis enough to give consent and understand the document they are signing.

Unfortunately many people leave this too late, and then it is really difficult to obtain. I had this problem with my MIL when her oldest son - her only POA - died leaving my husband having to deal with everything and no POA document. MIL had never dealt with the finances all her married life and definitely could not start at the age of 91 with dementia. We took her along to the solicitor only to be refused a POA on the basis that although he appreciated she was happy for us to manage her financial affairs he did not think she would understand the document she was signing. In the end thanks to a friend who is a solicitor we involved her GP who certified that the document was read to her and she understood. We ended up doing all the POA paperwork ourselves thanks to my solicitor friend who talked me through the whole thing plus the GP's backing letter.

Having been through that experience I asked my own mother many years ago to sign a POA (which again we did ourselves) while she was fit and well and now some 8 years later we are needing to use it.

When you sign a POA you can specify at what stage the Attornerys can use it i.e. not until you have lost mental capacity.

I decided to do the same for my two children and I hope they won't need to use it for some 20 years, but it's filed away should they ever need it.

Signing a POA is a wise thing to do. It doesn't mean the end of your abilities to manage your own affairs. It saves lots of problems later on "should it be needed".

Hope this helps

I never in a million years thought that MIL's illness would/could make me so devious

Yes I am feeling like this myself now with my own mum's dementia, telling her the truth I find upsets her and sometimes it is better to be devious just to avoid upset, but I have feeling of guilt which is why I joined this forum.

Carastro

 

[PeggySmith]

Hi Carastro,
It's not being a bit devious with MIL that bothers me so much as not being straightforward with BIL although I do fully understand that it's not wise to push him further than he can go at the moment.

Still can't help wishing that he'd bl***y well catch up with the rest of us and yes, that's really unfair.