Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

[Skye]

Jennifer, I believe the statement re. printed with permission was added by the original poster. I wish I could remember who it was. I've tried a search, with no success.

I'm sure she asked pemission before posting, but of course that permission wouldn't apply to future reprints.

 

[Logan]

Whilst always trying to be compassionate, if I were to use this form of communicate with my husband he would sneer and laugh and call me ridiculous - as he does with most sensible things I say. I can't win with him, nor his medics. All they want to say is that I need to learn how to deal with him - I've been doing that in many ways for many years. Now he is refusing to agree to some very important domestic business for our future - not "until I treat him like a normal human being". When I ask how he wants me to treat him he says (as above) but cannot tell me how. I have not slept most of night just thinking and worrying about what to do for the best for both of us. Lx

 

[Grannie G]

Now he is refusing to agree to some very important domestic business for our future - not "until I treat him like a normal human being".

However hard you try and however important this domestic business is, in similar situations my husband would have accused me , and indeed did, of dominance, taking over his life and denying him his independence.

All important business was waived until I was able to seize the moment.

 

[Logan]

Grannie, I have seized so many moments that I have armfuls of them and in this case it is a matter of having a roof over our heads. So very important. His medics really want us to separate and for him to completely alone with no friends or relatives. Just him alone in a flat. His medics have humiliated and insulted me andd I just feel such a fool for caring. Hubby is so plausible than he is "doing me down" and does not realise nor believe me when I tell him. Thanks for your help Grannie. Lx

 

[Grannie G]

I`m sorry Logan.
If your husband has Asperger`s/Autistic traits in addition to possible dementia it will be impossible for you to reason with him.
I`m afraid if I found myself fighting a losing battle, perhaps I might give up the fight , leave him to it and possibly be there on the sidelines to pick up the pieces if I loved him enough. If not, I might walk away .
I found myself in a similar position with my own husband but was fortunate that fate took a hand and my actions did not need to be so drastic.

 

[miss cool]

Hi Sylvea all this replys from the thread , when i read it i was so sating yes to every thing that was ritten, i know you didnot compose it but i would never stoot the messenger. i think every one must reolise when dealing with this illness we are like children in meny ways. hope you are well. love miss cool.xxxxxxx

 

[Bookworm]

Dalits

However hard you try and however important this domestic business is, in similar situations my husband would have accused me , and indeed did, of dominance, taking over his life and denying him his independence.

All important business was waived until I was able to seize the moment.

My hb has an Indian connection & says I treat him like a "dalit" (pronounced dull-it) - the lowest caste in India - he knows exactly what this means - in old times - the untouchables, the outcasts, the broken people, the suppressed or crushed, humiliated. It hurts me to hear that & I am very imperfect - but I rarely set out to pull him down - only when I'm on the ceiling with stress and not coping - in the heat of the moment - as healthy people might do in a bad row.

I guess this accusation line from them is part of the downward spiral of the conflict between having many abilities but needing heavy handed guidance in other areas to the point of compelling him e.g. "You must eat now" (given he has forgotten all day) or "As you know, with your agreement, I've monitored your transactions for a month and there are too many mistakes - look - here - I'll show you - the bank say it is time to try just cash only, we'll start today....."

 

[Grannie G]

Hello miss cool

Quote miss cool
we are like children in meny ways.

You have enough insight into your illness to realize that but many haven`t. Even so, I don`t think you would like to feel you are being treated like a child. That was how my husband felt. He was quick to believe I was patronizing him and I learnt the hard way.
If my way of coping led to upset, all I could do was walk away from the situation.

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Sue

My husband was in business and I happily left all financial transactions to him.

When the time came that he was unable to understand a bank statement or write a cheque and he had to watch me do it, is when the accusations of taking over his life and denying him his independence started.

I`m afraid I gave him the statements , the cheque book and the bank cards , saying I had no wish to take over, I hated dealing with finance and would be happy for him to deal with everything.

Poor man sat for hours trying to work out what to do. Eventually he put everything to one side. When I asked if the paperwork was ready, he said `You do it.`
It didnt solve the problem immediately because he forgot the incident and we had many more tussles. I always backed off and handed it to him. We did lose some money over mistakes but it was the only way I could cope with it.

 

[miss cool]

Hi Sylvia i think i am to layed back for this illness, i take it as it cumes, i am not confrontatoinel i hope you understand that word cant spel it. if i have to get angry its usualy with a compleat stranger. but that dosent happen to offten thank goodness. love miss cool.xxxxxxxx

 

[jenniferpa]

Jennifer, I believe the statement re. printed with permission was added by the original poster. I wish I could remember who it was. I've tried a search, with no success.

I'm sure she asked pemission before posting, but of course that permission wouldn't apply to future reprints.

I see what you mean, and I think you must be correct. I'm not sure why Ellen Warner would give permission or who she is when it was written by Liz Ayres, but I suppose that might have been its original publication point. If so, the piece is here (Note: it would appear that E Warner is the contact point)

http://agelessdesign.com/Library/In...45C7ECB}&InfoGroup=Main&InfoType=Article&SP=2

Alternatively, if the bit about orange county AS is correct, I think I'd be inclined to contact them and ask. This is their website http://www.alz.org/oc/index.asp

 

[sleepless]

miss cool, I think it is very much to your advantage that you are so laid back and not confrontational.
And I don't say this for the sake of anyone who helps you, but for YOU. Carry on as you are, it's as good as any medicine if you can stay 'cool', and direct any bad feelings where they belong -- at the illness!
best wishes,
sleepless

 

[jenniferpa]

Hazel: found it

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=33502&postcount=62

However the first mention of this was by Sandy in 2005 (where she provided a link to the ageless design website).

 

[Skye]

Well done, Jennifer. You're obviously more skilled with the TP search facility than I am!

So it was Maggie, and my memory was totally at fault!

 

[Bookworm]

Hazel: found it

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=33502&postcount=62

However the first mention of this was by Sandy in 2005 (where she provided a link to the ageless design website).

I think Sandy must have said something to me along the way as that it what I originally thought wasn't it !!!

 

[grove]

BIG THANK YOU Grannie G

Hello Grannie G, Thank you so much for making this a "New Thread " am pleased you have re- done it , as am still a "New Girl " & had not seen it before !.After a few moments was able to print it out.Took it to the Altz Group/ Tea & Social Club to -day , my lucky day there is a Trainee S Worker so quickly showed her & she is going to have a proper read at the Office. Also quickly showed Our Family S Worker who was interested she also is going to log onto T P & read it

Am going to find it very helpful etc when talking to Dad ( live on my own/ but live near Parents ) So a BIG THANK YOU Grannie G for Posting it

Best Wishes

Love Grove x x x x

 

[PamD]

Thanks for the suggestions re the copyright: on second thoughts if the editor of the parish magazine is careless enough to waste two pages on a "joke" about dementia, she's unlikely to worry about copyright! And, realistically, the copyright owner is not going to sue anyone for reproducing her work but more likely to be delighted to see it disseminated. (It's my previous working life coming back to haunt me, this worry about copyright!)

I'm still seething, and am drafting my email to the editor (would copy it to the vicar except he doesn't do email... might mention it on Sunday night when I go to the monthly "Pub quiz which the vicar's team always wins" as it's known!), and a piece which I want her to publish next month to redress the balance. Will show you when I've done it.

Pam

 

[sigull]

I'v has a quick look and will print it out later. I think there are many lessons there for me. Thanks. x

me too,I,m guilty of some of these. The fact of my LO being permanatly scared was something I didn't realise.

Tony

 

[Lucy Lastic]

Thank you for publishing those wise words. I have printed them off for future reference.

I do try my best with my dear old Mum, but when she rang me at 2am to say that a man had just knocked at her door and taken her door keys, I found it a bit difficult to adhere to the guidance!

As she was threatening to call the police I did manage to calm her down and said that I would deal with it in the morning. No doubt she went back to sleep then - of course I did not!

I've heard nothing further.

 

[upton218]

Communication.

Thank you for the piece from Liz Ayres. My wife is a sufferer of Vascular Dementia. I found it very useful, although attempts by myself to follow a similar course were not very successful. I find it hard at times to back off, and like many of the correspondents, I take my frustration out on the arms of the armchair. (Hands don't hurt as much as taking it out on the door post).I also find that if I get a good nights sleep my reactions are different.
Best wishes,
Tony.