We call them invisibles here and expect by the morning you'll get plenty of replies. In my experience they will take more interest when money becomes involved. I was reminded about how much work my siblings have to do.Does anyone else have a sibling who does nothing to help and needs to be constantly nagged to even visit?
omg: Buckles!!! I've just read your post and had to reply. Don't start me off with siblings .....!! My sister is no help with my mum. Never has been & never will be. She likes to give orders at times but does nothing! I have literally wanted to tear my hair out because I have got so frustrated, mad, depressed because I have been the one to get the brunt of things and deal with every issue solely whether I'm in good health or not. It is a real shame we can't swear on here otherwise I think all your replies would have a few words or so. Thank you for starting this.Does anyone else have a sibling who does nothing to help and needs to be constantly nagged to even visit?
Not only siblings but children as well.Does anyone else have a sibling who does nothing to help and needs to be constantly nagged to even visit?
Wow - you have it tough - because you are so young. I am in my 60s and I suppose some of what I deal with is "to be expected" - doesn't make anything any easier though - especially as one's own health issues are exacerbating how you can cope. I do my best but there have been times which have felt like burn out- during which time I have had to step back, rethink, increase the carers coming in, think of a working strategy. For me I have to keep establishing some sort of boundaries or I would "go under" and I would just keep giving. You have to try to look after yourself or you can't give to others. It is no good pretending to yourself that you are coping or telling yourself you "should" be doing something. You have to look to yourself and then offer the best you can to the person or people for whom you are caring - and that is so different to looking to yourself and then deciding (and maybe they even do it subconsciously?) that keeping on escaping is the best thing to do. xxxThis seems to have hit a raw nerve! And i needed to hear this - thanks for all the replies.
Both our parents have early onset AD and we are now both in our late 30s. My (big) brother has 10x the amount of leave I do, doesn't have a demanding job and thinks planning endless holidays with his 6+months off per year is more important than visiting his parents more regularly than 7-8 monthly.
He does this in spite of the the endless and inevitable cycles of ill health/ falls/ care catastrophes that happen and he has done for the last 5 years. In that time, Ive spent my life savings, given up a PhD, spent endless hours a day organising every aspect of their life and care, changed pads, dealt with the rage (a real issue when your dad is young and 6ft4), dealt with the psychosis (a real problem when your mum then winds up your angry dad about the "children in the garage") and been to the point of breaking down and rocking in the street when I was meant to be walking my dog.
He still does nothing, and just ignores me when I chase him - full on does not reply, from his flat in Portugal and his roadtrips across Europe/States - because he is 'focusing on himself'.
He even said to my partner (who actually takes turns with me to care for HIS/our parents because otherwise I have no support) in the throws of the early madness when things were really challenging - "out of sight, out of mind".
My brother must have gone on the same training course... ?self-important pretentious prat
My brother chose the pub which was an appropriate setting as it was by the river that dad had worked upon for many years but that is not why he chose it, he chose it because that is where he and his wife like to stuff their faces two or three times a week and we would get a good deal from the landlady..My brother must have gone on the same training course... ?
Dear @Jaded'n'faded,Same here. Brother managed 3 visits to mum in 3 years while I went every week, twice a week in the first year, plus all the hospital visits, phone calls and sorting out everything for her.
For ages I tried to understand what was going on with him, why he couldn't make an effort, why he was still in denial even when mum was raving in the care home, attacking people and smashing furniture. I made excuses for him, told myself he was doing his best., etc, etc. Gradually I realised I'd always made excuses for his bad behaviour and that this was just the real him. Just as dementia brought out the worst in my mum, her illness seemed to bring out the worst in my brother too. How bad? Example: when mum died, the funeral was only going to be a very small affair - just a few people and we decided to go for a pub meal afterwards at a place mum liked to go - it seemed fitting. He phoned me a week before and said we should cancel the meal because he wanted to drive directly to mum's solicitor instead, to get hold of her will and paperwork. He needed me to come too to sign some papers and it would be better this way as he didn't want to have to come 'all this way' again and take another day off work. I told him to get stuffed (didn't put it quite as politely as that) and the funeral went ahead as planned in the end. But he was really annoyed with me for causing him 'extra work'... What a charmer.
In the end, no matter. We've never been close, never liked each other. Mum has been dead nearly 3 years and brother and I only exchange a couple of emails per year now. He was/is unfixable.