Moving mum into an annexe with us

[EddyMarie]

Hello, I’m wondering if anyone has experience of moving their parent in with them following a dementia diagnosis? I’m considering pooling our money with my mum and buying a property with a self-contained annexe. Mum has early stage dementia (Alzheimer’s with vascular overlap) and is finding it increasingly hard to manage on her own. She is becoming increasingly isolated and lonely and I’m taking over more of the house running and financial responsibilities.

She lives close by and it’s relatively easy for me to pop over, but I work full time and think things could be easier if she was ‘onsite’. It would simplify her life by removing bills and the complexities of running a home, and make it easier for me to manage the help she needs. But I also see there could be many downsides as mums care needs increase, both emotionally and financially. (I have a husband and 15yr old son). Has anyone done this, what are the pros and cons? Would it affect the care mum could be entitled to as and when her needs increase?

Thanks in advance for your help.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @EdieMarie, and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very friendly and supportive place and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
I typed in Annexe in the search bar at the top of this page and these are the results. https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/search/283867/?q=annexe&o=relevance. I don't know if any of the threads will be useful, but hopefully they will give you some ideas of the pros and cons.
It isn't something I would have ever considered. It might work well at the moment while your mum just needs a little extra support, but when she needs more you may find it all too much, specially with a teenager who is also going to need you.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their input.

 

[Libbybookworm]

Hi @EddyMarie This sounds a very good idea in principle and would certainly make life easier all round. Someone more financially astute than me might be able to advise you on the implications further down the line if you've pooled your resources then have to use your mother's share of the house to fund her care.

 

[EddyMarie]

Thanks Sarasa, I appreciate your help and the support of this amazing community.
I agree, what seems like a good solution now could very quickly become very difficult. I'm finding it hard to standby and watch my mum struggle and deteriorate, without stepping in more. Such an awful and debilitating disease.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Think very carefully about this. Others will be along soon with better advice around potential pitfalls around future care funding, but as the illness progresses, your mother will become increasingly dependent, inspite of your best intentions . She won't be able to be left alone at all, there's no guarantee she will remain in the annexe, she might wander around at night, disrupting the whole household, become aggressive, jealous of your teenager, doubly incontinent. You may feel this is all doom and gloom but there are posts on this forum where members have moved a parent in with them or in an annexe and are now seeking advice to get the parent out after a short space of time.
You don't say what the financial situation is, but your mother is entitled to a needs assessment from social services, or if she is self funding, you could just organise carers if you have lasting power of attorney for finances

 

[Violet Jane]

Pooling your money and buying one dwelling for your family and your mother could become very complicated if she has to move into a care home later. I think that there must also be a question about whether your mother can consent to this proposal. I think that you need to get specialist advice about this as there are a number of pitfalls.

 

[EddyMarie]

Think very carefully about this. Others will be along soon with better advice around potential pitfalls around future care funding, but as the illness progresses, your mother will become increasingly dependent, inspite of your best intentions . She won't be able to be left alone at all, there's no guarantee she will remain in the annexe, she might wander around at night, disrupting the whole household, become aggressive, jealous of your teenager, doubly incontinent. You may feel this is all doom and gloom but there are posts on this forum where members have moved a parent in with them or in an annexe and are now seeking advice to get the parent out after a short space of time.
You don't say what the financial situation is, but your mother is entitled to a needs assessment from social services, or if she is self funding, you could just organise carers if you have lasting power of attorney for finances

Hi, thanks for your reply Rosettastone57. Your words really resonated and helped bring some reality - I'm probably not quite prepared for how bad things will get. After careful consideration i think keeping mums independence and in her own home for as long as possible is the best answer. For now anyway. Thanks again.

 

[imthedaughter]

Hi, thanks for your reply Rosettastone57. Your words really resonated and helped bring some reality - I'm probably not quite prepared for how bad things will get. After careful consideration i think keeping mums independence and in her own home for as long as possible is the best answer. For now anyway. Thanks again.

At least if you do this her finances are separate - if you end up having to go through council assessments I would worry you'd be seen as depriving assets, even though you have the best of intentions.

 

[LouiseW]

Hi
Before you take this step make sure that you fully understand what moving your mum into your home all be it an annex actually means in relation to the bloody awful Mental Capacity Act 2015.

As things stand right now, becuase of this act no matter how serious your mum's dementia behaviour gets and how destructive the impact may be on your family life - no one will take that into account if when asked by a professional she says she wantsd to stay at home.

Even if you have Power of Attourney this means NOTHING if she refuses to havecare from outside carers OR move into residential care.

Currently most Social Services and Healthcare professionals will ask her what she wants and that is what they go with - they will not and do not take into account you or the rest of your family.

This has nearly driven me over the edge a couple of times in the last few years with my Dad, he calls the shots even though his dementia is really bad and I have had to move 200 miles and give up my job to support him.

In the eyes of the law my having to move and not being able to work becuase he refuses care is unimportant. Carers have no rights.

Make sure you know what you are getting into, most people think that POA means they can make decisoons - it does not mean this if thier PWD can speak.

 

[EddyMarie]

Hi
Before you take this step make sure that you fully understand what moving your mum into your home all be it an annex actually means in relation to the bloody awful Mental Capacity Act 2015.

As things stand right now, becuase of this act no matter how serious your mum's dementia behaviour gets and how destructive the impact may be on your family life - no one will take that into account if when asked by a professional she says she wantsd to stay at home.

Even if you have Power of Attourney this means NOTHING if she refuses to havecare from outside carers OR move into residential care.

Currently most Social Services and Healthcare professionals will ask her what she wants and that is what they go with - they will not and do not take into account you or the rest of your family.

This has nearly driven me over the edge a couple of times in the last few years with my Dad, he calls the shots even though his dementia is really bad and I have had to move 200 miles and give up my job to support him.

In the eyes of the law my having to move and not being able to work becuase he refuses care is unimportant. Carers have no rights.

Make sure you know what you are getting into, most people think that POA means they can make decisoons - it does not mean this if thier PWD can speak.

Thanks LouiseW, it sounds like you've had an awful time - I'm so sorry to hear how this has affected your life. We're just at the start of our journey, and I'm quite fearful of what the future may hold. Your dad would've never wanted to cause you so much distress I'm sure, which makes me thinks there should be more safety nets in place to prevent situations like this. I'm going to ask my mum to create an advance directive/living will, which I'm hoping may help in extreme situations - but I have no idea how much weight that could actually carry. Good luck with your dad and thanks for the advice.

 

[jugglingmum]

My children were 8 and 12 when my mum lived with us for 3 months in early stages of dementia. I was looking for somewhere and moved her to a sheltered extra care/assisted living flat after this.

All stages of dementia are hard with children. A PWD thinks they are the only person in the world and that they are always right.

Your 15 year old is entering GCSE years having gone through a covid interrupted education and will need a certain level of support, together with quiet study times, not necessarily compatible with a PWD.

 

[LouiseW]

Thanks LouiseW, it sounds like you've had an awful time - I'm so sorry to hear how this has affected your life. We're just at the start of our journey, and I'm quite fearful of what the future may hold. Your dad would've never wanted to cause you so much distress I'm sure, which makes me thinks there should be more safety nets in place to prevent situations like this. I'm going to ask my mum to create an advance directive/living will, which I'm hoping may help in extreme situations - but I have no idea how much weight that could actually carry. Good luck with your dad and thanks for the advice.

Thanks - in an unexpected turn of events Dad has now decided to go for respite care with a view to moving in to a care home. The Community Mental Health Team read him the riot act and told him if he did not agree to 24 hour supervision they would be forced to make him and it seems to have done the trick.

However it is dumb luck that the Dr happened to arrive when we were at Dads - usually we would not have known about the visit or what had been said as neither Dad nor the CMHT would have told us.

It's a crazy system !

 

[try again]

Hi
Before you take this step make sure that you fully understand what moving your mum into your home all be it an annex actually means in relation to the bloody awful Mental Capacity Act 2015.

As things stand right now, becuase of this act no matter how serious your mum's dementia behaviour gets and how destructive the impact may be on your family life - no one will take that into account if when asked by a professional she says she wantsd to stay at home.

Even if you have Power of Attourney this means NOTHING if she refuses to havecare from outside carers OR move into residential care.

Currently most Social Services and Healthcare professionals will ask her what she wants and that is what they go with - they will not and do not take into account you or the rest of your family.

This has nearly driven me over the edge a couple of times in the last few years with my Dad, he calls the shots even though his dementia is really bad and I have had to move 200 miles and give up my job to support him.

In the eyes of the law my having to move and not being able to work becuase he refuses care is unimportant. Carers have no rights.

Make sure you know what you are getting into, most people think that POA means they can make decisoons - it does not mean this if thier PWD can speak.

Read the newly posted guide. Carers do have rights.

 

[LouiseW]

Read the newly posted guide. Carers do have rights.

Thanks try again - can you point me in the right direction I've had a quick look but have not found it yet

 

[Shedrech]

Hi @LouiseW

Mobilise - carers' rights and the law

https://www.mobiliseonline.co.uk/carers-rights

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Donkeyshere]

Hi @EddyMarie
If I had my time again I would never have had MIL in the annexe next to us. Although she moved in prior to getting a diagnosis so it was a little different in that we never had a choice, as she was already in there. To cut a long story short (and some on here will remember my stuggles), I was in melt down by the end prior to her moving into care and that was only when she was in middle stage. You feel guilty for asking for help and then when you get it, despite the good intentions of the carers, you find that they are not helping that much at all as your loved one finds sneaky ways of getting round them etc. You may end up resentful of your loved one despite your good intentions another guilt trip amongst the many. I am so grateful for the day she went into care and someone else took over, even though that was another guilt trip in itself! Seriously think long and hard, it may solve some issues but then it may cause others and its not just the loved one that you have to consider, its the impact on yourself and your family.