Struggling to deal with mums dementia

[bensusu]

Hi all
Mum is now in late stage dementia, every time she takes a dip, I feel like I grieve for her, then it starts again when she takes another dip down. She can no longer walk, eats very little, and has no use of arms, or anything, I think she has had enough and lost the will to live...she lives in a care, been there for 2 years, and I try and deal with the guilt, but I can't get past this, my whole mind is consumed with her suffering and I can't help her...I feel guilty having a life, when hers is so vile, and she suffering...don't know what answers or advise can help me, as reading so much on here, I'm not the only one
SS

 

[SherwoodSue]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You can tell you really love your mum. I imagine your mum loves you too for you to feel so much for her situation. I wonder about the person who your mum was before the dreaded D made its presence felt. Would that person have wanted you to feel guilty? Would that person have wanted you to be happy and have a life?
emptying your life if it’s joy can’t alleviate even one ounce of your mums suffering.
this too shall pass.
stay strong

 

[Izzy]

I’m so sorry to read of your mum’s dementia and how things are for you both.

I wondered if you’d find this booklet of any help.

https://www.alzscot.org/sites/default/files/images/0000/0275/lettinggo.pdf

 

[bensusu]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You can tell you really love your mum. I imagine your mum loves you too for you to feel so much for her situation. I wonder about the person who your mum was before the dreaded D made its presence felt. Would that person have wanted you to feel guilty? Would that person have wanted you to be happy and have a life?
emptying your life if it’s joy can’t alleviate even one ounce of your mums suffering.
this too shall pass.
stay strong

Thank you helps to read this, sometimes you just need to get thoughts out xx

 

[bensusu]

I’m so sorry to read of your mum’s dementia and how things are for you both.

I wondered if you’d find this booklet of sny help.

https://www.alzscot.org/sites/default/files/images/0000/0275/lettinggo.pdf

Thank you for the link, some good points and advise xx

 

[Roman223]

Hi all
Mum is now in late stage dementia, every time she takes a dip, I feel like I grieve for her, then it starts again when she takes another dip down. She can no longer walk, eats very little, and has no use of arms, or anything, I think she has had enough and lost the will to live...she lives in a care, been there for 2 years, and I try and deal with the guilt, but I can't get past this, my whole mind is consumed with her suffering and I can't help her...I feel guilty having a life, when hers is so vile, and she suffering...don't know what answers or advise can help me, as reading so much on here, I'm not the only one
SS

 

[Roman223]

Hello bensusu: Your post really resonated with me. I feel like I have been grieving for my mum over the last 2 years and still am to date. There have been many times I didn't think she was going to make it after her illness but somehow she pulled through. I don't think a day goes by without some tears for mum. They say that dementia takes away the person before they are gone and unfortunately that is what it has done with each and every one of our loved ones on here. I hate dementia and what it has done to my mum and to everyone with a PWD!! And I'm sorry to hear of the situation with you & your mum. I'm afraid feeling guilty doesn't change anything. It just makes you feel bad & you shouldn't feel bad. You have done everything you can for your mum & I'm sure she knows that. Stay strong.

 

[bensusu]

Hello bensusu: Your post really resonated with me. I feel like I have been grieving for my mum over the last 2 years and still am to date. There have been many times I didn't think she was going to make it after her illness but somehow she pulled through. I don't think a day goes by without some tears for mum. They say that dementia takes away the person before they are gone and unfortunately that is what it has done with each and every one of our loved ones on here. I hate dementia and what it has done to my mum and to everyone with a PWD!! And I'm sorry to hear of the situation with you & your mum. I'm afraid feeling guilty doesn't change anything. It just makes you feel bad & you shouldn't feel bad. You have done everything you can for your mum & I'm sure she knows that. Stay strong.

Thank you for your kind words xx

 

[GillP]

@bensusu , your feelings are normal but you should not feel guilt over this, ever. Your Mum, who you clearly adore, is receiving the best care. It is hard to witness but I believe that she would not want you to suffer.

Try to do something positive for you even if it’s just a walk, listening to music, talking with a friend. Stay strong and take good care x

 

[venp]

I am so sorry to read your post @bensusu, what you have written really resonates. Sending kind wishes <3

 

[bensusu]

@bensusu , your feelings are normal but you should not feel guilt over this, ever. Your Mum, who you clearly adore, is receiving the best care. It is hard to witness but I believe that she would not want you to suffer.

Try to do something positive for you even if it’s just a walk, listening to music, talking with a friend. Stay strong and take good care x

Hi
Thank you for your reply, I know there are so many people in the same position as me, it just takes over your life, every day I feel like 2 people, one very happy with my Partner and looking forward to getting married next year, but the other is sad and and depressed and trying not to show it...I work full time and I'm thinking of going part time, 2 days per week so the other 2 I can spend with Mum, hoping that may give me some peace of mind, but can only do that for a few months due to money..
Can never think what to do for the best?
X

 

[bensusu]

I am so sorry to read your post @bensusu, what you have written really resonates. Sending kind wishes <3

Thank you for taking the time to reply, sounds like you are in the same position as me, or have been xx

 

[Shedrech]

hi @bensusu
I appreciate how you feel torn, that's sadly par for the course ... I'd say, though, think very carefully about reducing your days at work as it will impact not only your current finances but also your future financial position eg pension and savings ... I did change my working and it had a huge impact, which I thought Id considered fully but hadn't really ... I had no mortgage, only myself to take into account and was near an age when a pension could kick in (though am still not at state pension age), but I took a big bite into my savings and my state pension will not be as I hoped ... finances do matter

 

[Tilly13]

Hi @bensusu
I read your post about feeling like two people and totally feel the same....it is hard to explain the feeling to friends who haven't had the experience. I read your post to my hubby who said he hadn't realised.

My parents are in a Care Home and because of the agitation and distress my visits cause my Mum I don't visit as often as I would like to and I feel really upset and sad. It certainly is a grieving process.
I know my parents are well looked after and now require the 24 hour care.

I have read and downloaded the booklet on going into a Care Home and found it covers so much about my feelings and the experience -thanks @Izzy
Take care xx