Mum isn’t adjusting to Dads diagnosis PLEASE HELP

[Bobthebuilder]

Hi all,

Can anyone share any advice?

My Dad was diagnosed with EOD in December last year. Since his diagnosis my Mum just isn’t accepting it. She seems angry with Dad all of the time and is constantly correcting him when he is doing things wrong. I don’t think she is doing it intentionally but she is so frustrated that it’s coming out in the wrong way. The problem is that she knocking my Dads (already very limited) confidence. It’s like she just won’t accept that he can’t do things. My Dad has even broken down saying that he feels worthless and she doesn’t seem to care (even though I know she does).

In addition to the above she has started getting angry with my sister and I when we care for Dad and also being horrid to us. She says that we don’t care about her and that it’s all about Dad. We are often caring for Dad to take the pressure off her and give her a break. We are also trying to give him a boost because she can be really horrid to him. We have told her that we want to look after her too.

We have tried to take her out for dinner, coffee, walks etc to help her get out of the house but she says no (and will phone us to moan at the most in appropriate times and get stroppy because we can’t speak there and then). She won’t go to support groups. We have even had flowers / breakfast / take ways sent to the house as a special surprise. She will not go to therapy or accept that any of her behaviours may be wrong.

Can anyone offer any advice as I don’t know what to do and can’t bite my tongue for much longer? If I snap then I know it will break my dads heart as we need to stick together but at the same time I feel like cutting her out and just caring for my Dad.

 

[Violet Jane]

This problem has come up on the forum before. It is not uncommon.

Even with help from other family members being the primary carer of a PWD is extremely stressful. However, it seems as if your mother will not accept the help and support that she's being offered. There could be all sorts of explanations for her behaviour but three that spring to mind are:
1. she is depressed
2. she has the beginnings of dementia herself, which account for her inability to understand your father's illness and behaviour
3. she is really fearful about what is happening to your father and is clinging on to the hope that your father could do things if he just tried harder

It's a very delicate situation. If things get really bad then you might have to consider moving your father in with either you or your sibling.

There may be other dynamics at play here. If there are long-standing tensions or resentments in the marriage or the family then these will be magnified hugely by the dementia. For example (and I'm not suggesting that this applies in your parents' case), if a wife feels that she has been caring for everybody else for years and hoped that she would be able to put herself first now she might find it hard to come to terms with the news that her spouse has dementia and she is facing possibly a decade or more of caring which will become ever more difficult.

You are doing absolutely the right thing in trying to care for your mother as well as your father.

 

[Jessbow]

Maybe she is terrified that the man she married is not the strong able man that he was.

fightened that their lives will change day by day, and their roles within the marriage change.

Maybe she thinks if she corrects him, he will do better and will thus hang onto a few roles for a bit longer, and hang onto a tiny piece of he man that she married.

Try not to be too hard on her, Try not to 'take over' too often- she is still adjusting, and as he declines she will have to adjust more.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Bobthebuilder

I doubt your mum is ready to take any advice yet, she is unable to process your dad`s diagnosis and is probably very frightened for the future.

Just in case you see a window where she might be receptive I am posting a link which has helped a lot of people.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[SERENA50]

Hi all,

Can anyone share any advice?

My Dad was diagnosed with EOD in December last year. Since his diagnosis my Mum just isn’t accepting it. She seems angry with Dad all of the time and is constantly correcting him when he is doing things wrong. I don’t think she is doing it intentionally but she is so frustrated that it’s coming out in the wrong way. The problem is that she knocking my Dads (already very limited) confidence. It’s like she just won’t accept that he can’t do things. My Dad has even broken down saying that he feels worthless and she doesn’t seem to care (even though I know she does).

In addition to the above she has started getting angry with my sister and I when we care for Dad and also being horrid to us. She says that we don’t care about her and that it’s all about Dad. We are often caring for Dad to take the pressure off her and give her a break. We are also trying to give him a boost because she can be really horrid to him. We have told her that we want to look after her too.

We have tried to take her out for dinner, coffee, walks etc to help her get out of the house but she says no (and will phone us to moan at the most in appropriate times and get stroppy because we can’t speak there and then). She won’t go to support groups. We have even had flowers / breakfast / take ways sent to the house as a special surprise. She will not go to therapy or accept that any of her behaviours may be wrong.

Can anyone offer any advice as I don’t know what to do and can’t bite my tongue for much longer? If I snap then I know it will break my dads heart as we need to stick together but at the same time I feel like cutting her out and just caring for my Dad.

Hi

She probably can't take it in perhaps. She is probably angry that her husband is not her husband so much now and a lot of the future they may have planned together is now not going to be. I was guilty of not knowing how to go about talking to dad and used the forum to help me learn , it did help and I did a course with a local charity as well however sometimes even the most well informed and patient person snaps. I had accepted though that dad has a form of dementia and that is hard to do. The stress gets to you. Your natural instinct is to do all those things you are doing and it all sounds lovely it really does xx You can't make your mum accept she has to do that herself . Imagine being told by your adult children that you are not looking after your husband correctly ? Maybe she does feel forgotten because being the carer sometimes feels like you are invisible and just not important as the person with the diagnosis . No matter which way you approached it I can see that it might really upset someone as well. Patience and just taking a step back sometimes helps. No easier answers I know but I take from your post that you are really caring and thoughtful so I am sure your mum does appreciate your help it is just a really difficult situation for everyone ?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

You don't say how old your parents are but you have said your dad has Early Onset Dementia. It's bad enough when a spouse is diagnosed with dementia at an old age but for your parents this must be completely devastating.

For your mum, it's life-changing. And the one person she would probably talk to in a desperate situation is your dad, so she can't. She will be going through all sorts of emotional turmoil and that will continue till she comes to terms with it (and beyond.)

Please cut her some slack - imagine how you would feel.

 

[Bobthebuilder]

Hi

She probably can't take it in perhaps. She is probably angry that her husband is not her husband so much now and a lot of the future they may have planned together is now not going to be. I was guilty of not knowing how to go about talking to dad and used the forum to help me learn , it did help and I did a course with a local charity as well however sometimes even the most well informed and patient person snaps. I had accepted though that dad has a form of dementia and that is hard to do. The stress gets to you. Your natural instinct is to do all those things you are doing and it all sounds lovely it really does xx You can't make your mum accept she has to do that herself . Imagine being told by your adult children that you are not looking after your husband correctly ? Maybe she does feel forgotten because being the carer sometimes feels like you are invisible and just not important as the person with the diagnosis . No matter which way you approached it I can see that it might really upset someone as well. Patience and just taking a step back sometimes helps. No easier answers I know but I take from your post that you are really caring and thoughtful so I am sure your mum does appreciate your help it is just a really difficult situation for everyone ?

Thank you ❤️

 

[Bobthebuilder]

Hello @Bobthebuilder

I doubt your mum is ready to take any advice yet, she is unable to process your dad`s diagnosis and is probably very frightened for the future.

Just in case you see a window where she might be receptive I am posting a link which has helped a lot of people.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

Thank you! I will read now x

 

[Bobthebuilder]

This problem has come up on the forum before. It is not uncommon.

Even with help from other family members being the primary carer of a PWD is extremely stressful. However, it seems as if your mother will not accept the help and support that she's being offered. There could be all sorts of explanations for her behaviour but three that spring to mind are:
1. she is depressed
2. she has the beginnings of dementia herself, which account for her inability to understand your father's illness and behaviour
3. she is really fearful about what is happening to your father and is clinging on to the hope that your father could do things if he just tried harder

It's a very delicate situation. If things get really bad then you might have to consider moving your father in with either you or your sibling.

There may be other dynamics at play here. If there are long-standing tensions or resentments in the marriage or the family then these will be magnified hugely by the dementia. For example (and I'm not suggesting that this applies in your parents' case), if a wife feels that she has been caring for everybody else for years and hoped that she would be able to put herself first now she might find it hard to come to terms with the news that her spouse has dementia and she is facing possibly a decade or more of caring which will become ever more difficult.

You are doing absolutely the right thing in trying to care for your mother as well as your father.

Thank you! You are 100% correct that there are tensions in the marriage. My Dad was always the alpha male and they had a very traditional relationship, which at times I think she resents anyway.

I have also thought that she might have depression but also wonder if she is taking her life times resentment out on him now.

 

[Violet Jane]

@Bobthebuilder, more than one factor could be at play. The diagnosis is still quite recent and your mother may still be coming to terms with it. It's possible that in time she might become less angry and resentful.

It's a tough situation.