DVLA letter advice please

[Extremelytrying]

After yet another drive during which my husband complained loudly and continually about not being able to drive, and accusing me of stopping him, we got home to find a letter from the DVLA, several months late. I managed to remove it and read it privately.
It's asking if he wants to give up his licence (they have still got it actually!), Or allow them to access medical records to assess his suitability to drive. His doctor told him not to last October.
He would have to sign this form whatever he chooses and I know that it will trigger yet another scene about driving.
Should I just not answer? It says if they haven't heard in 14 days the licence us revoked, but then they may write again.
Any advice please?

 

[Andy54]

I think I'd be inclined to ignore it and let them revoke the licence, the next letter will probably be to confirm that the licence has been revoked. It might not ultimately avoid the argument but at least you can shift the blame firmly on DVLA.

 

[Extremelytrying]

Yes, thanks Andy54, I think that's the easiest plan. I just dread the folliw up letter .....if I can't intercept it!

 

[Bakerst]

I agree, OH thinks he can still drive ( we sold his van, on the basis of expense..keeping 2 vehicles when we only use 1) and keeps asking if he is still on my insurance for the car. I tell him he is, in case of emergency and I can't drive, which makes him feel better..never going to happen!
When we go out I 'offer' to drive, because I know the way..or any other reason I can think of. He is slowly accepting being a passenger..I let him give me instructions, even thank him ?or ask him to watch for traffic for me. He actually said the other day he was enjoying looking around as a passenger, something he couldn't do when driving. It's a very slow and difficult process and offer you my utmost sympathy. Good luck

 

[jzw01]

I am in a vaugly similar situation with my wife. She is waiting for an appointment with the memory clinic so is not formally diagnosed. We sold her car several years ago and she has not driven since but occasionally wants to get another car for herself. Her licence is still current but will be up for renewal soon and I plan to not tell her wich will mean that it will stop being valid. I am concerned that if she will not accept that she no longer has a licence and takes the family car she will be driving uninsured which amongst other things could lead to the car being confiscated. I would welcome comments from anyone more familier with the law than me.

 

[Sue741215]

If you are expecting an appointment with the memory clinic you may want to ask for a driver assessment. They will first do a short off road assessment and then go out on the road. Your wife may accept their assessment or if she has not driven for a while may feel she does not want to take it. You can request an assessment yourselves but then will have to pay. My husband had driven 500 miles just before his assessment but still failed. He did not accept it for a while - driving was his passion so it was very sad but I am pleased to tell you that (after he had approached the doctor for help and spent £50 holding on a telephone call to DVLA to try to get his licence back ) he gradually came to accept it and as in one of the previous posts seems to enjoy being a passenger. At first he talked about getting another car but this has now stopped. He does at look at mobility scooters but I tell him he is too fit to use one as he is physically fine.

Again, as in the previous post he likes to check for traffic for me and watches my speed like a hawk. He points out every speed camera sign which is great fun on smart motorways - mostly I am patient but sometimes I explode! He also likes to count VWs (we have one) and lorries which is preferable to the speed camera signs.

I think you need to do everything you can to prevent her driving the family car - hide the keys or park it away from the house if you are leaving her alone. Being uninsured is not the main concern - the worry is that she will cause and accident that hurts or even kills someone. My husband did drive his car two or three times after he had been told to stop so I took it away and sold it. I was lucky i n that I could also sell mine and use the proceeds to buy an electric car - he has never attempted to drive this so I think he must know he cannot work out how to drive it.

The issue of driving is a big worry and was my main one for a long time but in the end it was settled relatively calmly. I hope yours will be too.

 

[jugglingmum]

I doubt very much that they would confiscate the family car.

My mum's dementia crisis happened when she got lost driving to mine (Im near Chester and she was driving from Hertfordshire. She was in Derby having missed the M6 turn off) and the police were called. She wasn't insured so the police took her car to the station. We picked her up and a few days later arranged to insure her car for a day and collect it.

The police had very clearly come across this sort of thing before and just arranged for us to collect her.

I hadn't realised she had dementia and had nightmares on and off for a while because she had driven with my 8 year old son a few months beforehand when she clearly wasn't safe and I hadn't realised.

I hid the keys to her car as she clearly wasn't safe and could easily kill someone. She would have found our car too difficult to drive.

As has been said the biggest risk If Your wife drives is if she injures or kills someone.

 

[Violet Jane]

I've said this on other threads and I appreciate that it won't be appropriate in all cases. If a person refuses to give up driving having been told to do so by the DVLA you can ask for a local police officer to come and speak to him/her. This had to be done in the case of an elderly friend of mine who would not stop driving. A police officer came round one evening. She told me that he had come to reassure her that the police were looking out for elderly people who lived alone but I'm sure that it wasn't that. Whatever was said, she agreed to hand over her car keys to me after weeks of my discussing the issue of her no longer being allowed to drive and her putting forward all sorts of arguments about why she needed to hold onto the car and her keys. It was a great relief as I'd been having sleepless nights worrying about whether I had the right just to take her keys from her without her consent. For a few months she told people that she was 'still legally allowed to drive' but seemed to accept that she couldn't drive whilst her legs were bad (a permanent state of affairs). She did offer to give me a lift home a few weeks ago well over a year after she had handed over her keys to me.

 

[sapphire turner]

My OH has been told not to drive by his consultant but he still insists that he can drive if he wants. I have taken the keys to his car but he has a key to mine in order to bring the shopping in for me.
The insurance renewal letter for his car has arrived and I have hidden it for now as he is very angry this week. I will have to show it to him soon tho and say he has to tell them about his diagnosis. Not sure what happens then, surely they won’t insure him if he’s not allowed to drive? Walking on eggshells eh

 

[extoyboy]

My wife decided to give up driving so didn't renew her license. We just ignored all the DVLA letters (each one saying that they'd cancel her license after 14 days if she didn't respond) and after about two years of letters they sent a final one saying her license had been revoked.

 

[jugglingmum]

My mother was told point blank by the police she shouldn't drive and just didn't believe them. It doesn't always work.

I suspect if my MIL had been told the same thing she would have given up driving.

I think the further dementia has progressed the less likely they are to believe the police.

 

[Extremelytrying]

Thank you so much to all of you for your thoughtful replies.
I don't really think my husband would drive the car alone.....he needs to be near me all the time and tells me even if he's going to the loo ?
I was planning to just ignore the letter, although after r

 

[Extremelytrying]

Sorry, pressed wrong button, after reading extoyboy's post am alarmed at thought of letters arriving for two years!

 

[Extremelytrying]

I think my main problem is the deceit in not showing him the letter and following through all the medical checks.
We've always been open and honest with each other for 40 years, so it's tough

 

[canary]

We've always been open and honest with each other for 40 years, so it's tough

I remember the first time I had to go behind OHs back - it was so awful I felt sick, even though I knew it was necessary.
I can only say that it does get easier
xx

 

[Violet Jane]

@Extremelytrying, I'm afraid that the nature of dementia is such that you do have to resort to deceit and subterfuge on occasions as a PWD cannot always apply logic, make sensible decisions etc and often denies that there is a problem at all. It is really, really important that a person who is no longer safe to drive stops driving for good. You would regret not 'deceiving' your husband if he drove the car and killed or injured someone. Things have to change once a person develops dementia.

 

[Extremelytrying]

I remember the first time I had to go behind OHs back - it was so awful I felt sick, even though I knew it was necessary.
I can only say that it does get easier
xx

I know the feeling! It's horrible

 

[Extremelytrying]

@Extremelytrying, I'm afraid that the nature of dementia is such that you do have to resort to deceit and subterfuge on occasions as a PWD cannot always apply logic, make sensible decisions etc and often denies that there is a problem at all. It is really, really important that a person who is no longer safe to drive stops driving for good. You would regret not 'deceiving' your husband if he drove the car and killed or injured someone. Things have to change once a person develops dementia.

@VioletJane I absolutely agree......this is why I have to stop this now. I feel that if he had to sign the letter it would start all sorts of stuff going on in his head. He wouldn't understand the reasoning behind it. I know the sensible thing is to ignore the letter....I just feel deceitful. It's that strange dual perspective - I care for him BUT he's still my husband.

 

[fromnz123]

@VioletJane I absolutely agree......this is why I have to stop this now. I feel that if he had to sign the letter it would start all sorts of stuff going on in his head. He wouldn't understand the reasoning behind it. I know the sensible thing is to ignore the letter....I just feel deceitful. It's that strange dual perspective - I care for him BUT he's still my husband.

If you have power of attorney you can deal with the insurance company yourself
I was a named driver on my husband’s policy, was able to make the changes without my husband even knowing.

 

[Extremelytrying]

If you have power of attorney you can deal with the insurance company yourself
I was a named driver on my husband’s policy, was able to make the changes without my husband even knowing.

Of course! Thank you @ fromnz 123. I do have PoA and will do.... hadn't thought it through.