Refusing to go to planned grandchild birthday.

[Shem56]

Im glad you managed to get him there and youve had a good time.

I started off with AgeUKs Help at Home scheme. They dont do it in all areas, but if they do I have found my lady extremely helpful. Two hours a week seems about right. They wont do personal care, but they will do cleaning, laundry, bed making, shopping and companionship. It was a good introduction for OH to get used to other people around. I now have carers come in to help him wash and dress and I also have gardeners helping me too.

Thank you. He is very independent. He's just forgetful and has confusion. I'm just looking forward to the future.

Oh what a shame, Shem56. I agree with Granny G that it does become overwhelming for loved ones with dementia to be around lots of people and away from their familiar surroundings. And if you don’t go, that means that you miss out too on these family milestones.
My OHs son is getting married next October, that will be a big fancy affair probably far away. His son did ask if they should bring the wedding forward a year so that OH could definitely come. But I think it’s already too late for him to enjoy it in any meaningful way. My current plan to deal with it is some sort of hit and run - go and stay overnight at or near the venue and just pop in to the reception for an hour. Or maybe just the ceremony? Blimey tho who knows where we will be in 16 months? Sending love and all best wishes x

Sending love and best wishes back. At least you have come up with some good options.

 

[Shem56]

i hope you are having a good time and if there are others that can sit with your husband then maybe you can relax as well. i hope your grandson has a lovely birthday

Thank you.

 

[canary]

He is very independent. He's just forgetful and has confusion. I'm just looking forward to the future.

I think getting a cleaner in at this stage is a very sensible thing to do. My OH is further on than yours, so needs personal care now, although he didnt when I got my lady from AgeUK. Because he was used to having someone else around he was more accepting of carers when the time came. If you try and do everything yourself he will become entirely dependant on you and then when you can no longer do it all you will have made a rod for your own back - I am sure you have worked all this out for yourself.

 

[Shem56]

I think getting a cleaner in at this stage is a very sensible thing to do. My OH is further on than yours, so needs personal care now, although he didnt when I got my lady from AgeUK. Because he was used to having someone else around he was more accepting of carers when the time came. If you try and do everything yourself he will become entirely dependant on you and then when you can no longer do it all you will have made a rod for your own back - I am sure you have worked all this out for yourself.

Thank you. You are absolutely right. I am out today and away this weekend and I can see how upset he is that I'm not going to be home.

 

[Springfield]

Yes that’s the problem I do want my OH to trust me, it must be very scary for them trying to make sense of the world. But am I wrapping him up in cotton wool too much? He is not ready for any kind of day care yet - much too aware and antisocial- so I worry that he is getting used to spending a lot of time alone with me. Makes it hard to escape for long! I am getting a cleaner from next week, mainly to get him used to having other people around a bit.

I too have just gotten a cleaner. I am very lucky she has worked in care and understands the issues. SHE offered to come in and do some jobs for me so that I can go out to lunch with friends or just have a bit of time on my own. She is lively and cheeky with him and teases him a bit which he likes. He recently refused to go to our grandson's birthday but I went on my own and he was happier at home. We are having a family holiday this summer and I know that we will have to be very aware of his reactions.

 

[Shem56]

Ahh. Yes our family are now getting to grips with his issues. They understand his anxieties. Xxx. Hope it goes well with you on your family holiday. I think my hubby would rather stay at home.

 

[GillP]

i couldnt agree more. if my husband couldnt go, i would stay as well. i think we need to be more open with the grandchildren. how will they learn if we dont teach them

Absolutely agree. Our youngest grandson, he’s 9, visited my husband in his care home over the jubilee weekend. He can be a bit challenging and bores easily but he was a delight with his grandad. Earlier in the year he had sent a birthday card saying ‘you might not remember me Grandad but I still love you anyway’.

 

[Izzy]

Absolutely agree. Our youngest grandson, he’s 9, visited my husband in his care home over the jubilee weekend. He can be a bit challenging and bores easily but he was a delight with his grandad. Earlier in the year he had sent a birthday card saying ‘you might not remember me Grandad but I still love you anyway’.

That is so lovely.

 

[Korks]

Good morning everybody. Two years ago, my husband's son drove all the way up from South Devon to take us to his home for 5 night's break. Not only was my husband anxious during the day, the nights were horrendous as he was so disorientated, wanting to go home and I was terrified he might fall down very steep, uncarpeted stairs. Sadly, he didn't recognise his son or daughter-in-law.
Two of our grandchildren are getting married this year, but I have declined their invites as I know he would be very un-happy with lots of people and noise.
We do attend a fortnightly dementia group and weekly singing sessions which he appears to enjoy, but if we visit friends for coffee he always wants to leave after half an hour or so. Having been a 'club' man all his life, he is remarkably unsocial with individuals. On reflection, I realise he has always been a person who has gone along with ideas as long as it suited him, but then would dig his heels in and not budge. I think this has probably just exacerbated with this dreadful illness.
This week I took him to a local Care Home just to see if he would be agreeable to Day Care occasionally, but he refused saying I want to get rid of him to find somebody else. Poor man, he is quite frightened and cannot understand what is happening to him. He just wants the status quo of the two of us together.

 

[Shem56]

So sad. This dreadful illness how it affects not just the sufferer but the long suffering carer/partner/spouse.

 

[Beady]

Good Morning lovelies. A bit of advice would be so appreciated. Today we are due to travel to sons house to grandsons birthday and stay over. Hubby is refusing to go, says he doesn't want to go. His anxiety is around coping with names etc. Our daughter in law and son are aware of his memory problems and they will look after him. How do I deal with this.

I have looked at all the replies here, and feel that I must be selfish. We have been invited to a big birthday party for an old friend and all our friends will be there, but unfortunately my husband doesn't recognize anyone now, he just nods and smiles, and later asks me who it was. He hates noise of any sort - he shouted 'quiet' at me the other day when I was cooking supper. I have arranged to go to the party with my daughter as my plus one, and another daughter is coming to stay with him overnight. He doesn't want to go anywhere except out in the car, but then prefers to stay in the car while I go shopping. It is desperately sad to see a once lively man becoming someone who gazes at the television all day, and barely moves.

 

[Cat27]

I have looked at all the replies here, and feel that I must be selfish. We have been invited to a big birthday party for an old friend and all our friends will be there, but unfortunately my husband doesn't recognize anyone now, he just nods and smiles, and later asks me who it was. He hates noise of any sort - he shouted 'quiet' at me the other day when I was cooking supper. I have arranged to go to the party with my daughter as my plus one, and another daughter is coming to stay with him overnight. He doesn't want to go anywhere except out in the car, but then prefers to stay in the car while I go shopping. It is desperately sad to see a once lively man becoming someone who gazes at the television all day, and barely moves.

Welcome to TP @Beady
You are not selfish at all. You must to what feels best for you.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome from me too @Beady.

Absolutely no way you are selfish. Your decision is the right one for both of you. He wouldn’t have enjoyed himself and you would have been anxious all the time. You’ve made good arrangements for him. Nothing to feel selfish about.

 

[Verda]

Thank you. The sacrifices carers make are unknown. He's getting dressed as we speak and making an effort unhappily. I fear it is going to be very hard for him. If I had not told him he would then have not trusted me again I fear.

Or he possibly would forget by next time.It is a catch 22. I am sorry.

 

[Verda]

Welcome from me too @Beady.

Absolutely no way you are selfish. Your decision is the right one for both of you. He wouldn’t have enjoyed himself and you would have been anxious all the time. You’ve made good arrangements for him. Nothing to feel selfish about.

I totally agree.

 

[Safi]

I sympathise with you as social events are always tricky but it helps if the family are aware. My husband is at the stage where he won’t remember where we are going but I do tend to take him with me. Recently at my niece’s summer lunch party he sat in the garden with other family members but became anxious if I tried to leave him to talk to others. It’s hard to tell if he enjoyed the experience & the next day when I mentioned the party, he couldn’t remember it, but I still feel it’s important to get him out & in a new environment. Also important for me to check in with family. I’m glad you managed to take your husband with you & keep strong

 

[Korks]

I have looked at all the replies here, and feel that I must be selfish. We have been invited to a big birthday party for an old friend and all our friends will be there, but unfortunately my husband doesn't recognize anyone now, he just nods and smiles, and later asks me who it was. He hates noise of any sort - he shouted 'quiet' at me the other day when I was cooking supper. I have arranged to go to the party with my daughter as my plus one, and another daughter is coming to stay with him overnight. He doesn't want to go anywhere except out in the car, but then prefers to stay in the car while I go shopping. It is desperately sad to see a once lively man becoming someone who gazes at the television all day, and barely moves.

 

[Korks]

I agree with all other replies that you are most certainly not selfish. Think of all the things you willingly do for your husband. I think it is wonderful that you are able to go to the very special party with your daughter and hope you have a truly great time.

 

[Howdy]

My husband found family gatherings overwhelming as he saw them infrequently and no longer recognised who they were (apart from son he sometimes saw as his younger self). He was happier with our "bubble buddy" who called every week during loockdown so was more familiar than those who he might have remembered as small children or even not born! As the family generally found it difficult to deal with I realiose I should have just had a couple visit at a time so he was not excluded as he sat with eyes shut as 10 were too much for him and ckearly stressful.
In a small group he loved the great grandchildren and had always been an expert with little ones. He had been OK with Memory Box Café before lockdown as he was not expected to know people and enjoyed the activities and he was certainly not ignored there.
Hindsight, hopefully helpful.

 

[Violet Jane]

You're not selfish. If you want to do things and can make arrangements for somebody to look after your OH then you should. Your life is important too. Missing important events when you want to attend will only fuel resentment. You need to find pleasure where you can as caring for a PWD is a long haul.