Good Morning lovelies. A bit of advice would be so appreciated. Today we are due to travel to sons house to grandsons birthday and stay over. Hubby is refusing to go, says he doesn't want to go. His anxiety is around coping with names etc. Our daughter in law and son are aware of his memory problems and they will look after him. How do I deal with this.
Refusing to go to planned grandchild birthday.
- Thread starter Shem56
- Start date
I`m sorry to say @Shem56 but all our social occasions, including family occasions, were a disaster when my husband was ill and it was easier to cancel than to put him through such an ordeal.
The last family occasion he attended was a Christmas lunch with an immediate and caring family. He ate his lunch then wanted to leave and leave we did, not wishing to spoil the day for everyone else.
Gatherings seem to be overwhelming. It`s not just about remembering names, it`s about processing all the information which is going round in the room.
Staying over is another cause of an increase in confusion and anxiety.
The last family occasion he attended was a Christmas lunch with an immediate and caring family. He ate his lunch then wanted to leave and leave we did, not wishing to spoil the day for everyone else.
Gatherings seem to be overwhelming. It`s not just about remembering names, it`s about processing all the information which is going round in the room.
Staying over is another cause of an increase in confusion and anxiety.
Oh what a shame, Shem56. I agree with Granny G that it does become overwhelming for loved ones with dementia to be around lots of people and away from their familiar surroundings. And if you don’t go, that means that you miss out too on these family milestones.
My OHs son is getting married next October, that will be a big fancy affair probably far away. His son did ask if they should bring the wedding forward a year so that OH could definitely come. But I think it’s already too late for him to enjoy it in any meaningful way. My current plan to deal with it is some sort of hit and run - go and stay overnight at or near the venue and just pop in to the reception for an hour. Or maybe just the ceremony? Blimey tho who knows where we will be in 16 months? Sending love and all best wishes x
My OHs son is getting married next October, that will be a big fancy affair probably far away. His son did ask if they should bring the wedding forward a year so that OH could definitely come. But I think it’s already too late for him to enjoy it in any meaningful way. My current plan to deal with it is some sort of hit and run - go and stay overnight at or near the venue and just pop in to the reception for an hour. Or maybe just the ceremony? Blimey tho who knows where we will be in 16 months? Sending love and all best wishes x
Possibly, but he might still have demanded to go home again after a short while.
Social occasions often cause a huge amount of anxiety. Mum refused to go to her grandsons wedding, even though I had made arrangements to pick her up and look after her during the service. It was all just too much for her.
Thank you. The sacrifices carers make are unknown. He's getting dressed as we speak and making an effort unhappily. I fear it is going to be very hard for him. If I had not told him he would then have not trusted me again I fear.
Yes that’s the problem I do want my OH to trust me, it must be very scary for them trying to make sense of the world. But am I wrapping him up in cotton wool too much? He is not ready for any kind of day care yet - much too aware and antisocial- so I worry that he is getting used to spending a lot of time alone with me. Makes it hard to escape for long! I am getting a cleaner from next week, mainly to get him used to having other people around a bit.
@Shem56 . Social events for me are extremely hard and the aftermath is days of 'grey' and confusion accompanied by extreme lethargy. Noise and trying to follow conversations become unbearable after a time. My progressing alzheimers is the reason for all of this.
I gently suggest that your PWD attending the party is what YOU want, and not in the best interest of the PWD. I am blessed that my family and carers understand this now. I think it was hard for them initially. Please respect the difficulties your loved one is having
I gently suggest that your PWD attending the party is what YOU want, and not in the best interest of the PWD. I am blessed that my family and carers understand this now. I think it was hard for them initially. Please respect the difficulties your loved one is having
Is there room for him to be on his own once he is there? if the party is in the garden,let him sit inside perhaps- bit quieter? Far from the madding crowd!
Its all very well for people to say ''respect his needs'' but you have needs too, and you shouldnt always be the one to sacrifice.
Its all very well for people to say ''respect his needs'' but you have needs too, and you shouldnt always be the one to sacrifice.
Yes he can find a quiet corner and everyone understands and they will be gentle with him. It's so true isn't it!
The people with dementia can’t bare the crowd and follow the conversation and events. I gave up any social events and go with my wife pace and wish. It is much less pressure on you as well unles you have someone to stay with and look after him. Unfortunately this is the life we forced to. I learned to go with my wife pace otherwise the pressure would kil me. Very sorry for you
It is hard to accept but there is not any other way than respect their needs. Dear shem56 I am in the same boat as you are and anytime there is a family or friends gathering I think it this way. I imagine my wife has a very bad back and sciatica, I wouldn’t ask her to join me on the dance floor, would I ? Believe me that a social gatherings for dementia is exactly the same.
my husband went to my younger sons wedding in christmas 2019 a few months before he was diagnosed. we had to travel by coach and stay in b and b overnight. he couldnt manage to change or dress himself, got so confused with all the people around and wanted to go home. we had to change at victoria coach station. it was crowded. he stood there and sobbed. he couldnt cope so they took us to the assistance room. he was pushed in a wheelchair to the coach and was the first to get on. he will never do that journey again. my oldest son is taking to devon to see his sister and hes much better if he doesnt stay and comes home the same day.
I think you should just turn up but with any future outings it might be a good idea not to tell him about them and just get ready to go. However as the dementia progresses you will have to take it one day at a time. It's very difficult I know and you will have to tell love lies.
MaNaAk
Apologies if any offence given - and yes carers do make so many sacrifices and face a dreadful time. My own husband cannot see atm due to complex eye surgery and I depend on extended family for posting and all sorts. I was merely speaking up for those of us who have dementia, as only we can understand what life is like from the inside of a damaged and deteriorating brain
