Dear
@Cheryl09091 - yes we have been in pretty much exactly that situation with a tiny variation over ages and stages but much the same. My deepest sympathy.
Where to start? Both my children struggled with their Dad's illness and it significantly affected their later teens/twenties. We have all come through it but it has definitely left its mark. Details not supplied!
I think a few things helped:
encouraging them to get on with their own lives and not turning them into carers for their Dad (or for me - neither have lived close to me since they left school, but are both now in careers and happily married/partnered);
counsellors - we each independently found counselling and it was really useful for all of us and particularly so since it was private (from each other). I got it via work and later ch, another paid for it privately, and a third via their college. Lots of ways.
difference - each of my children reacted very differently and that was (and still is ) fine. we've had to learn to accept our differences (one talking a lot, the other not; one visiting a lot, the other not, etc etc) and I never expect one child to behave like the other, or criticise one because they are not more like the other.
continuing to have family holidays occasionally regardless of all the differences that arise.
Despite all the difficulties each of my children has been brilliant in their own way, adapting to the horrific experience that you too are going through and supporting me and each other.
I felt immensely guilty that I could not always support them when things were bad because their Dad was still at home and I could not travel to be with them. I wish I had been able to find more care but at that particular stage overnight care was the very hardest to find, and I still regret that.