grieving my mum and dad

[karenbow]

my dad died in may and my mum died last week - dad had cancer and mum suffered from alzheimers - i think probably about 8yrs- i saw mum and dad every day over the last 3 years doing as much as i could to help them and when dad died mum really deteriorated mum needed 24hr nursing care which was the worse day of my life seeing mum in such a bad way having to go into a nursing home- i,d always wanted to have mum at home with me and my husband but it was impossible- i knew mum was very seriously ill years ago and also know that between dad me and my husband we were able to keep mum at home for a long time. dad always thought we would be advised that mum has nursing care and he did not want to be separated so we managed as best we could and did not involve outside help. dad did not want anyone other than family involved. mum already reached last stage alzheimers before she entered the care home- whilst mum was at home with dad i never really thought that i was losing mum, yes she couldn,t do what she used to do,we fed her, changed her, she couldn,t walk etc , i just thought of mum as my mum but being really poorly-last week mum died,so both my parents are gone close together. mum was only in the nursing home 5 months , i went every day to see mum- even getting excited that i was going to see her but the way this illness took mum was terrible- i expected to be able to remember mum as she used to be before all this but i cant seem to - i have had such a happy childhood and loved my parents very much but i have difficulty seeing my mum in my mind or hearing her voice- i look at photographs and i find im smiling because i can see mum had many happy times- i know this is a long thread but is this normal? i get weepy but dont think i am grieving as i should- i am still acting as though both my parents are here.

 

[Yorkshire gal]

my dad died in may and my mum died last week - dad had cancer and mum suffered from alzheimers - i think probably about 8yrs- i saw mum and dad every day over the last 3 years doing as much as i could to help them and when dad died mum really deteriorated mum needed 24hr nursing care which was the worse day of my life seeing mum in such a bad way having to go into a nursing home- i,d always wanted to have mum at home with me and my husband but it was impossible- i knew mum was very seriously ill years ago and also know that between dad me and my husband we were able to keep mum at home for a long time. dad always thought we would be advised that mum has nursing care and he did not want to be separated so we managed as best we could and did not involve outside help. dad did not want anyone other than family involved. mum already reached last stage alzheimers before she entered the care home- whilst mum was at home with dad i never really thought that i was losing mum, yes she couldn,t do what she used to do,we fed her, changed her, she couldn,t walk etc , i just thought of mum as my mum but being really poorly-last week mum died,so both my parents are gone close together. mum was only in the nursing home 5 months , i went every day to see mum- even getting excited that i was going to see her but the way this illness took mum was terrible- i expected to be able to remember mum as she used to be before all this but i cant seem to - i have had such a happy childhood and loved my parents very much but i have difficulty seeing my mum in my mind or hearing her voice- i look at photographs and i find im smiling because i can see mum had many happy times- i know this is a long thread but is this normal? i get weepy but dont think i am grieving as i should- i am still acting as though both my parents are here.

They are still here....with you in your heart.. forever, just look at the happy pictures...Just have a good cry when you feel like it, don't bottle up this is all normal..

 

[Feeling unsupported]

Be kind to yourself, it is all very raw. There is no set way that anyone 'should' grieve. It's a journey with many twists and turns and ups and downs. Just go with the flow, give into the tears when they come, vent your anger when you need to, allow yourself to work through this in whatever way works for you. Sending much love x

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @karenbow

I’m not sure there is a normal when dealing with grief. I lost my father from cancer a few years ago and lost mum from vascular dementia just a few weeks ago. I always thought I would care for them at home until the end but was unable to do that for either of them. I find I’m still worrying about mum sometimes and having to remind myself that she has gone. I looked for flowers in the garden to take her just the other day. I used to take a posy in a jar every day when she was fading away.

Grief sneaks up on us when we least expect it I think and we just have to let it take it’s course. It is good that you are smiling at photos of happier times. I’m sure our parents would want us to remember those times.

Sending a warm hug to you ?

 

[Shedrech]

hi @karenbow
my condolences .... it's a strange feeling, isn't it, to be without both parents ... somehow we feel they will always be there even though we know that's not possible ... though I agree, they never leave our hearts
there is no 'should' or 'ought' in how each of us grieve, so allow your feelings to be ... there's numbness at times, sometimes overwhelming sadness and also smiles, even joy, at a memory, with also unexpected jolts of disbelief that we can't pop round or call for a chat
it took a while for the difficult times to fade into the perspective of the whole of my parents' lives, so just surf any 'flashbacks' knowing that their laughter and kindness will surface ... I put photos of them smiling in places I look every day, and especially one of my mum waving so I simply have to wave back
I understand the losing of hearing your mum's voice, and it hurt so much to think I wouldn't hear my mum again ... and yet after a whileand even 16 years later I have dreams in which she's there talking to me ... so you'll hear from your mum in time
be easy on yourself and as kind to yourself as you were to your parents ... they made you, they are always with you

 

[karenbow]

thankyou so much for all the replies- your words were very soothing for me