2 months later and I've still not touched mum's wardrobe

[northumbrian_k]

My wife is in a care home @nick97 and her 4 wardrobes full of clothes tell only part of the story as there are more things in boxes under the bed. She could easily beat your coat tally. Her dress jackets, skirts, tops, jumpers, trousers and dresses are innumerable and many haven't been worn for years. There are around 60 pairs of shoes and boots that she will never wear again. When she was still living at home she would spend many hours 'finding' and trying on 'new' clothes ... They are no good to her now after 2 years in a care home so why am I still keeping them? This is wardrobe #1 of 4.

 

[jennifer1967]

My wife is in a care home @nick97 and her 4 wardrobes full of clothes tell only part of the story as there are more things in boxes under the bed. She could easily beat your coat tally. Her dress jackets, skirts, and dresses are innumerable and many haven't been worn for years. There are around 60 pairs of shoes and boots that she will never wear again. When she was still living at home she would spend many hours 'finding' and trying on 'new' clothes ... They are no good to her now after 2 years in a care home so why am I still keeping them?

your wife sounds like my sort of lady

 

[She-Luna]

My Mum used to love clothes shopping, nothing really pricey, but a nice selection. She always looked nice and 'together'. She lost interest some years ago and most of her clothes were quite old, though still serviceable. I admit that all 'old' stuff, I packed into bags and took to the clothes recycling. I decided to get a house clearance company to deal with everything else in her flat, I took away photos, jewellry, a few odds and ends. These are all in boxes and I haven't yet sorted them out. It was stressful but I'm glad I did it that way now.

 

[Lawson58]

I enjoyed reading all those comments... thanks all. So I did start sorting them out, and I have 3 carrier bags worth that I'm going to take to the charity shop, and a small suitcase of clothes that mum wore a lot that I couldn't bring myself to part with at this moment in time.

What shocked me though was how many coats I kept finding... ended up finding 14. I've never seen so many coats in my life ??

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Our local charity shop stores winter clothes till autumn and then when the cold weather comes, they put out racks and racks of coats, jackets and woolies as that's when they are needed. Why not get in touch with your local shops and see if they will accept those things in a few weeks?

 

[Ruth1974]

I haven't really done anything in mum's bedroom to be honest; maybe a little tidying or throwing away a few things that won't be missed, but one area I haven't touched at all is mum's vast collection of clothes.

Mum had some lovely clothes that I will definitely be taking to the charity shop, but for some reason I'm finding it difficult to conjure up the enthusiasm to sort them out.

How long did everyone else leave it before sorting out their parent's clothes? ?

 

[Ruth1974]

You don't have to clear out, sort out, tidy up or organise. There's no rule on when you should be ready for this, weeks, months or years. This is your time and your space. You will know when you are ready and can take as long as you like.

 

[Arty-girl]

When mum died mid July this year, I was arranging the funeral around my siblings being on holiday but I was also having to clear the house quick as it was rented. Both my brothers were finding it hard to deal with mum's impending and then actual death. Whenever they visited whilst she was still alive, rather than hold her hand and talking to her, they would talk about other things (which I suppose is far better than sitting there in silence). One of my brothers mentioned that, as the house was rented, the Housing Association might want us to vacate within days. As it turned out, we still had to pay rent for seven weeks after her death becuase, due to covid, it took the local council 15 days to send the Death Certificate and the notice period for the house didn't start until the Housing Association received a copy. Getting back to the main point. We had clearance company in for the furniture and clothes which I know mum hadn't wore in at least 10 years. I did, however, save an outfit that she wore to the wedding of one of my brothers, mainly because she had kept a suit of my dad's who had died 11 years earlier and I 'felt' they needed to be together. I think it will take years before I am able to take both to the charity shop, if at all.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I haven't really done anything in mum's bedroom to be honest; maybe a little tidying or throwing away a few things that won't be missed, but one area I haven't touched at all is mum's vast collection of clothes.

Mum had some lovely clothes that I will definitely be taking to the charity shop, but for some reason I'm finding it difficult to conjure up the enthusiasm to sort them out.

How long did everyone else leave it before sorting out their parent's clothes? ?

Dads clothes are bagged up in the bottom of the wardrobe , & I am coming up to 3 years since he passed away. Mum has just gone into EOL care & I need to clear the clothes for both parents now. Dreading it!
Mum didn’t want Dads clothes gone so I put it off & then just before she was taken into hospital wanted them out of the house. So difficult & I need a rainy day so I have no excuses!

 

[Lawson58]

Dads clothes are bagged up in the bottom of the wardrobe , & I am coming up to 3 years since he passed away. Mum has just gone into EOL care & I need to clear the clothes for both parents now. Dreading it!
Mum didn’t want Dads clothes gone so I put it off & then just before she was taken into hospital wanted them out of the house. So difficult & I need a rainy day so I have no excuses!

It is almost a year since my ex son in law died and my granddaughter has had a hell of a time getting access to his house which was shared by her brother.

When she finally got into the house, she found numerous boxes of her deceased aunt’s belongings. The aunt died about thirteen years ago. There is also stuff in the shed that belonged to her grandfather, deceased about eleven years ago and her grandmother, deceased thirty years ago. It had all been put in boxes and when my son in law moved house, he simply moved all of it from one home to another without throwing anything out.

My grandson continued to live in the house but did nothing to maintain it so it is filthy as well. On Saturday, family are going to attack the mess.

So please don’t feel guilty about taking your time to sort things out.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

It is almost a year since my ex son in law died and my granddaughter has had a hell of a time getting access to his house which was shared by her brother.

When she finally got into the house, she found numerous boxes of her deceased aunt’s belongings. The aunt died about thirteen years ago. There is also stuff in the shed that belonged to her grandfather, deceased about eleven years ago and her grandmother, deceased thirty years ago. It had all been put in boxes and when my son in law moved house, he simply moved all of it from one home to another without throwing anything out.

My grandson continued to live in the house but did nothing to maintain it so it is filthy as well. On Saturday, family are going to attack the mess.

So please don’t feel guilty about taking your time to sort things out.

I have had a cleaner in & OH plus daughter go in regularly to clear out garden & kitchen. Just can’t face it all atm x

 

[Lawson58]

I think of it as being like an emotional pile up, all of this extra stuff to deal with on top of everything else. I think you done a very wise thing in getting a bit of help.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I think of it as being like an emotional pile up, all of this extra stuff to deal with on top of everything else. I think you done a very wise thing in getting a bit of help.

Yes it is, brilliant description “emotional pile up”.
In some ways I’m in a numb state , whether that is partially denial / self preservation etc I am not really sure, either way it feels like it’s survival mode atm.
Just coping with normal activities feels at times insurmountable & I am a bit of an hermit but needs must !

 

[ASPIRE]

It took me 2 1/2 years to ring a charity shop up, asking them to pick my wifes clothes up and take them away. I did,nt know how l was going to feel afterwards. Having the clothes there ment l still had a contact with my wife. But l was alright and had no regrets afterwards.

 

[Mydarlingdaughter]

I haven't really done anything in mum's bedroom to be honest; maybe a little tidying or throwing away a few things that won't be missed, but one area I haven't touched at all is mum's vast collection of clothes.

Mum had some lovely clothes that I will definitely be taking to the charity shop, but for some reason I'm finding it difficult to conjure up the enthusiasm to sort them out.

How long did everyone else leave it before sorting out their parent's clothes? ?

Mum was admitted to a care home after a hospital stay.
She passed away last summer, and I was very stressed due to the trauma of supporting her through the end of life process.
So when the care home asked what I wanted to do with her things, I asked them if they could donate her clothes and toiltries to a local charity, which they were happy to do.
Backstory-Once we knew for certain she would not be returning to her home (where she had been living alone in terrible conditions due to refusing help) I began, with the assistance of a friend who had a car) to take her clothes to the care home.
Mum did have quite a few nice clothes but mostly she wore the same clothes day after day. I had started to buy clothes for her, but she only wanted to wear certain familiar ones. She had also had staining on some clothes which she had cut out with scissors. And she liked to paint and there was paint on a lot of them.
Once I had managed to get all her wearable clothes to the care home it seemed that there was a constant shortage of suitable items so I started getting clothes sent direct to her care home from a well known online retailer. She had no idea where the clothes were coming from.
Her house is still going through the probate process and I think I may have to go back and see her outdoor shoes, her rollator, her winter coats and what not. and a few other items of clothing left in her wardrobe that were not suitable for care home life.
They may go to charity if they are in good condition. Db has offered to do a house clearance.
This norning I looked at my address book of another well known online retailer and her address was still there, with a purchase history of things I bought her. The grief is still very raw.
You have to process it in your own time.

 

[Max71]

My wife passed away in hospital 8 months ago and I haven’t even considered doing anything with her clothes. I suppose we are all different and coping in our own ways. I am the opposite to some of your replies, when I brought her clothes that were left ,
back from hospital I put them in their usual places I.e. Shoes in the hall, slippers by the bed etc etc
I can’t imagine or even contemplate doing anything else at the moment. I am finding it very difficult with my grief and am on my 3rd course of counselling. I suppose over time it will get easier, but I’m not anywhere near to that point yet

 

[canary]

Hi @Max71 . Dont worry about doing the "right" thing. I still have untouched boxes of mums things that I brought back here and she died 4 years ago.
Look after yourself. You can sort things out when you are ready
xx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Max71

8 months is no time at all.

Sorting the belongings of a departed loved one is the most soul destroying task for anyone.

I have tried not to put too much importance on possessions and things. This is because my mother put great store on her possessions and when she went into residential care and I was sorting her house ready for sale, I realised how little they meant to her then, when she hardly recognised them.

When my husband went into residential care I sent all his wearable clothes with him. The rest I gave to charity shops knowing they would keep a stranger warm or make them happy they got a bargain.

My husband was never one for possessions and all I kept was his wallet, his driving licence and his ID key fob. I still have them.

I know this is of no help to you just yet @Max71 but it might help someone else and make life easier for them.

I will say, when I talk about my husband who died 8 years ago, I still point to his chair in our living room and our son still looks towards this chair when he visits. . He is still here in spirit and I don't need his possessions to remind me of him.