Hello
@DesperateofDevon
Thanks for the post - I’m surrounded at the moment by the whole family taking a few days here as a visit and mini holiday. They’re watching Love Island ( don’t bother) and I’m angry that no one is even referring to their mum or my sadness.
Bridget would have been very vocal at this level of “don’t care” and I’m holding it in as best I can.
I appreciate that we can’t continue 24/7 with grief as that wouldn’t get me anywhere but a small gesture or remark would be nice to show that, at least, they recognise what I’m going through.
It’s hard to accept we all have different ways of coping . Many family arguments have occurred & occur because I am struggling & every part of me aches with sadness.
Talking to my family without emotions boiling to the surface is hard. Please know that just by your family being with you is their way of supporting you. We might feel we need more from our loved ones, but can our loved ones realistically give us what we need?
Dealing with the complexity of life & emotions is hard enough, throw into this dementia a terminal disease. I personally have asked more from my family emotionally than they are able to give. My family want comfort & stability from a parent a wife, yet I want the comfort from the loss of a mother - I am the child losing my parent.
For you the loss of your marital relationship your wife, you are asking for that comfort & understanding. Your family can only understand their own emotional experiences & how they cope.
Perhaps talking to other spouses/ life partners who have similar experiences will enable you to receive the empathy & understanding. Please don’t think this is a cop out, far from it . I have friends who are “widowed “, suffered that bereavement & I listen to them talking to others experiencing the same. Honestly my own personal loss & experience of emotions doesn’t equate to these folks that have lost their partner, soul mate, husband , wife.
is this because i lack empathy, understanding or compassion ? No I just haven’t experienced that unique & life defining moment. All I was able to do when my Dad traveled the dementia journey & passed was be there for my Mum.
My Mum has never shed a year at Dads passing - her grief is soo much she’s cannot process it & now on her own dementia journey those memories are lost.
From a child’s perspective - I wanted my Mum & Dad to be my Mum & Dad. They have always been those who had experienced more of life’s ups & downs , twists & turns. As I cope with my own grief at losing Dad & now my Mum is at End of life I realise that I need to be that child again- I need to be just the daughter. It’s hard to explain - I need to sit & give my Mum that unconditional love a child shows it’s mother; make precious memories to treasure.
I cannot bear to look at photos , the pain of what I have lost is too much to bare. If I lid the lid on my emotions they spill over uncontrollably the grief of loss & losing is so intense.
My own husband cannot bare to see me torn apart , neither can my children who are adults in their own right. They want to fix , make it better; fix the unfixable .
My daughter talks about her own grief, my heart breaks for her & I want to stop her pain. I can’t , this is life & we are all heading towards this natural conclusion.
The guilt of living when a loved one is slowly fading away is a burden I deal with daily. Yet now at rock bottom emotionally , physically & mentally I look up & see that life continues around me. How to cope with your world disintegrating ? for me I garden & cook. I find gardening & cooking a way of demonstrating my love for my family .
When grief overwhelms me I push my family away as I cannot bear the physical contact knowing that if the lid is removed I am left so bereft that I cannot function, the pain so intense I cannot breathe. It’s easier to be angry at life, family , others & it’s less painful physically & mentally.
To love so deeply is a blessing & at time of loss a curse. Understanding these complex emotions doesn’t make dealing with the emotion any easier….. we are all trying to cope & deal with deeply personal complex emotions.
So my lovely , the only advice I have is be kinder to yourself. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. Life continues no matter what, & as a mother I want my children to live their lives to the best of their ability. I want them to laugh with joy at my memory. A mother’s relationship with her children, a nurturing loving relationship that children are coming to terms with of losing .
I have no solution to how to deal with loss, but am able to have moments of clarity unclouded by emotion of the complexity of each persons situation .
I hope you find solace in some of these words . I my self everyday try to be kinder to myself & provide unconditional love to my nearest & dearest ; honestly I fail daily at some point but again I have to say right clean slate & try again !
Does it get easier , a little, do I feel guilty for doing so - a lot. This is the reality of life & I cannot change it but find my own pathways to cope hour to hour .
Thoughts with you all x