Help please - this must happen a lot

[david67london]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some help please!
In short, my Mum has been showing progressively stronger signs of dementia for 4 years. Without going into too many details she has been anxious, suspicious, aggressive for a long time and in the last 18 months has wandered and got lost several times, doesn’t recognise her husband as her husband, thinks she is on holiday in Switzerland and wants to go ‘home’ each day to see her mother (who died 30 years ago), unpacks her clothes into Sainsbury’s bags every day, recently said she had to drive to Chester as she has been asked to play for the England women’s cricket team and on and on and on. My dad is going spare (his words) and tells me he now understands why husbands kill their wives. He’s a mild man. Meanwhile she refuses to get assessed, shreds hospital letters inviting her for an assessment and the GP refuses to help since she won’t allow it. Sooner or later one of them will try to kill the other. Do we really need to wait for such an extreme event to get our Covid disrupted, cash starved services to help? The police and fire brigade have been involved several times but nothing triggers a diagnosis. Dad is proud and self-reliant but he desperately needs help. Hence this post. Any ideas please? Many, many thanks.

 

[Jessbow]

Yes! Basiclly you need the ''proverbial to hit the fan'

When she gets lost, how does she get home?

Tell your dad to try and use compassionate communication - agree with her for quiet life and dont take things to heart. No point in tryin gether to understand, justagree with her and deflect
Off home to her Mum? ''Yes love, will take you in the morning, lets have a cuppa now '' By the morning she will have forgotten he said that, so just repeat same, deflcting and pacifing

 

[kindred]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some help please!
In short, my Mum has been showing progressively stronger signs of dementia for 4 years. Without going into too many details she has been anxious, suspicious, aggressive for a long time and in the last 18 months has wandered and got lost several times, doesn’t recognise her husband as her husband, thinks she is on holiday in Switzerland and wants to go ‘home’ each day to see her mother (who died 30 years ago), unpacks her clothes into Sainsbury’s bags every day, recently said she had to drive to Chester as she has been asked to play for the England women’s cricket team and on and on and on. My dad is going spare (his words) and tells me he now understands why husbands kill their wives. He’s a mild man. Meanwhile she refuses to get assessed, shreds hospital letters inviting her for an assessment and the GP refuses to help since she won’t allow it. Sooner or later one of them will try to kill the other. Do we really need to wait for such an extreme event to get our Covid disrupted, cash starved services to help? The police and fire brigade have been involved several times but nothing triggers a diagnosis. Dad is proud and self-reliant but he desperately needs help. Hence this post. Any ideas please? Many, many thanks.

I am so sorry about all this, I what a hard situation. You might consider contacting an independent social worker who works with the elderly. Google them for your area.
Warmest, kindred

 

[david67london]

Yes! Basiclly you need the ''proverbial to hit the fan'

When she gets lost, how does she get home?

Tell your dad to try and use compassionate communication - agree with her for quiet life and dont take things to heart. No point in tryin gether to understand, justagree with her and deflect
Off home to her Mum? ''Yes love, will take you in the morning, lets have a cuppa now '' By the morning she will have forgotten he said that, so just repeat same, deflcting and pacifing

Thank you! Totally agree with the humouring approach. Sadly, Dad’s a former engineer and reacts a bit like Mr Spock - always corrects her. Not the best approach. Usually when she wanders dad goes out to find her - usually several hours. Once he found her sitting in a field. Another time she drove ‘to the shops’ and a lorry driver phoned dad from a lay-by on the A1 40 miles away where she had run out of petrol(he’s hidden the car key now). A couple of times the police found her. I don’t understand why that doesn’t result in a diagnosis but apparently not!

Yes! Basiclly you need the ''proverbial to hit the fan'

When she gets lost, how does she get home?

Tell your dad to try and use compassionate communication - agree with her for quiet life and dont take things to heart. No point in tryin gether to understand, justagree with her and deflect
Off home to her Mum? ''Yes love, will take you in the morning, lets have a cuppa now '' By the morning she will have forgotten he said that, so just repeat same, deflcting and pacifing

Thank you! Totally agree re humouring her. Sadly dad is a former engineer and behaves a little like Mr Spock - always correcting her. It drives him mad. I’ve tried to model how to do it and, as you say, it works really well.

When she wanders, dad finds her. Once in a field, another time out of petrol on the A1 40 miles away (car key now hidden), twice the police found her. Can’t understand why services don’t kick in?
Thanks again!

 

[david67london]

I am so sorry about all this, I what a hard situation. You might consider contacting an independent social worker who works with the elderly. Google them for your area.
Warmest, kindred

Helpful thank you! I will.

 

[canary]

To get a diagnosis she needs to go to the memory clinic for tests (including a scan if possible).
Get to the post first and retrieve letters inviting her to assessments. You will probably have to use stealth, love lies and perhaps reverse psychology to get her there.

 

[david67london]

To get a diagnosis she needs to go to the memory clinic for tests (including a scan if possible).
Get to the post first and retrieve letters inviting her to assessments. You will probably have to use stealth, love lies and perhaps reverse psychology to get her there.

Thank you! Will try to get dad to do that. He’s scrupulously honest and hates dishonesty. He says he can’t lie - I mentioned he had lied to me about Father Christmas! It’s a similar situation.

 

[Bettysue]

I’m in Scotland but after my partner wandered and police had to be called it meant an automatic referral to Social Work. I think he probably had a diagnosis by that point but it resulted in various support measures being offered.

 

[Chaplin]

Why don’t you contact your mum’s GP and say you will take her for a general check up. My mum would go along with what we say as her children but at the time would Dismiss anything dad tried to suggest.
I’m surprised her GP has taken the stance you describe as they should be very familiar with these situations. This is how we got my mum to GP under the guise of general check up then primed the GP to do some mental health assessments. Mum didn’t realise and went along with it. If you’ve not already done so, get your dad to look through some of the communication tools available here http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Good luck and hope you get the support for your mum who must be feeling terribly confused.

 

[david67london]

Honestly I think at the time dad saw them Covid was in full flight and they really didn’t want to know. We’ll give it a go! Thanks.

 

[david67london]

I’m in Scotland but after my partner wandered and police had to be called it meant an automatic referral to Social Work. I think he probably had a diagnosis by that point but it resulted in various support measures being offered.

Thank you! That’s encouraging though I think Scotland does have difference protocols (often more helpful)

 

[BluTinks]

To get a diagnosis she needs to go to the memory clinic for tests (including a scan if possible).
Get to the post first and retrieve letters inviting her to assessments. You will probably have to use stealth, love lies and perhaps reverse psychology to get her there.

Not always great also as memory clinic in my area said my mother was fine!!!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Getting a diagnosis (it's dementia by the way - anyone on this board would tell you. Your mum has all the classic symptoms but obv. I'm not a doctor so I can't really say that...) will not change anything nor will it get any help for your poor dad. As well as the above - which is worth trying - I would phone social services - the adult/elderly mental health line. Tell them the dangerous things your mum is doing (wandering) and how the police and fire brigade have been involved. Say your mother is a 'vulnerable adult at risk' and that your dad can't cope any longer. Point out her aggression and refusal to see a doctor.

Ask that she is assessed as an emergency - you don't need a diagnosis if things are bad. I'm actually surprised you've not had a call from SS already as the police/FB usually make a report to them when they pick up a person with dementia.

Yes, it's tough but you can't go on like this. Something very bad will happen if your mum continues going out by herself.

 

[david67london]

Getting a diagnosis (it's dementia by the way - anyone on this board would tell you. Your mum has all the classic symptoms but obv. I'm not a doctor so I can't really say that...) will not change anything nor will it get any help for your poor dad. As well as the above - which is worth trying - I would phone social services - the adult/elderly mental health line. Tell them the dangerous things your mum is doing (wandering) and how the police and fire brigade have been involved. Say your mother is a 'vulnerable adult at risk' and that your dad can't cope any longer. Point out her aggression and refusal to see a doctor.

Ask that she is assessed as an emergency - you don't need a diagnosis if things are bad. I'm actually surprised you've not had a call from SS already as the police/FB usually make a report to them when they pick up a person with dementia.

Yes, it's tough but you can't go on like this. Something very bad will happen if your mum continues going out by herself.

That’s great advice. Thank you!