Hugs @jennifer1967! Can anyone else in a similar situation to @jennifer1967 offer advice please! I really think carers would be a good idea and you could pretend that they are coming to help you.
MaNaAk
MaNaAk
problem is he needs another assessment by adult services, who cant be bothered to contact me even with safeguarding. he has capacity to be able to make his own decisions and will say no[which shows he knows what hes doing and not just dementia talking]. they think is independent because he can cook a dinner and make a cup of tea. if he says no then they cant go beyond that. hes vetoed help for me. if im in pain, then jobs wait until i can do them. im asking him if i can have....... over the simplest things, [night-dresses and pj bottoms this time] when if he wants something he gets it. my books come and hes like i didnt know you ordered them. we have to have a financial assessment because we rent our house and have no savings so reliant on LA. i told him last night he scares me and the reason and he says he can see that but its just the way he is. even the doctor has not contacted me. im not putting myself at greater risk again so will have to put up with itHugs @jennifer1967! Can anyone else in a similar situation to @jennifer1967 offer advice please! I really think carers would be a good idea and you could pretend that they are coming to help you.
MaNaAk
thank you @marshal, the only way i would get a mental health team is if the GP referred him. my husband has pushed, hit, slapped and shouted at me before dementia so dementia has exaggerated what was already there although, to his credit, he hasnt physically attacked me for a few years.i phoned the doctor two weeks ago and she said that frustration and aggression is a symptom for vascular dementia and there are no tablets to slow it down but treat the symptoms so she up his anti-depressants by 10mg to see if that will calm him down and to a point it has. i emailed the doctor a week ago explaining what he was still like and not receive any reply. someone raised a safeguarding to adult services which was not responded to. i put myself at risk by speaking out and ive had no response at all trying to help myself. no-one listens i have to get on with it myself.So sorry to read what you are dealing with at the moment. I had this dreadful stage with my husband also. Shouting ,accusations, shoving me outside, ranting in the car while I was driving .Too many horrid things to mention. I was floundering ,not knowing how to cope. The best thing I managed to do was ,when he was on one of his mega rants, pushing, accusing threatening etc. I had my phone on hand and managed to call the mental health team and held the phone all the time so they could hear everything going on. To their credit a team arrived at the house quite soon. As you can guess he was sweetness and light when they showed their faces! From that they reassessed him and changed his meds and sent a member of staff to see him on a weekly basis. Sadly he passed away last year, I miss him dreadfully. I never blamed him for the bad months of dementia as he did not have control of his feelings. Those few months when he was Mr Angry do not linger with me now. It is his passing that is my worst memory .So painful for me I can't shake it off. Get intouch with the mental health team and don't hold back with the details. Write it down and keep a log if you can. I hope you get the assistance you need. Look after your self it is important, you will need all the strength you can muster .
thank you @lollyc i managed to get my husband to phone GP 2 weeks ago when she increase his anti-depressant although she said he doesnt sound depressed. she told me to contact again if it werent having and effect which is what i did in the email. i have also raised it with the person who raised safeguarding so they are in the loop and am trying to do it covertly so im not place at risk because he knows ive told them. he doesnt know about any of it. i wanted the doctor just to phone on the excuse of a review of tablets after email which i said dont disclose all the contents, that hasnt happened. i told them what hes like. i told my husband that a doctor might phone. if i tell him ive told the doctor, i dont trust his reaction which is why i did it the secret way.i dont want to lay myself open.I would ring the surgery and insist on a call back from a doctor - any doctor - today. I have to say our surgery is always quite helpful, and doesn't have "dragon" receptionists, but, if that is a problem, ask to speak to the practice manager.
I would like to think that I am a quite polite person, but dealing with dementia has made me much more forceful, and I'm now very unwilling to take no for an answer! I would say something along the lines of "How will you feel when he kills me, and you did nothing?" Now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that your husband is going to kill you, but none the less he frightens you, and this behaviour is not going to suddenly disappear.
Mum takes a cocktail of drugs: Mirtazapine, Quetiapine and, Lorazepam as a "just in case". She isn't violent," just" very agitated and restless.It has sometimes been a battle to get medications prescribed beause I think most doctors have very little idea of the reality of living with someone with dementia.
thank you @lollyc i managed to get my husband to phone GP 2 weeks ago when she increase his anti-depressant although she said he doesnt sound depressed. she told me to contact again if it werent having and effect which is what i did in the email. i have also raised it with the person who raised safeguarding so they are in the loop and am trying to do it covertly so im not place at risk because he knows ive told them. he doesnt know about any of it. i wanted the doctor just to phone on the excuse of a review of tablets after email which i said dont disclose all the contents, that hasnt happened. i told them what hes like. i told my husband that a doctor might phone. if i tell him ive told the doctor, i dont trust his reaction which is why i did it the secret way.i dont want to lay myself open.
thats a possibility, ive told them in an email not to discuss it openly. problem is with our doctors you phone up, have to tell receptionists something then wait for the call back from the GP so could be any time in next few hours. i emailed the practice manager but put doctors name on it. he tried to push me yesterday and shouted at me last night so i need to do something. i need to phone the GPS anyway for me so could slide it in there.I think the problem with emails is that they aren't treated as urgent. Can you make a quick covert call to the surgery to explain that this really needs dealing with now? Does the doctor understand that you can't openly speak to them about your husband, but that his view of the situation is not the same as yours?
That's good. Hopefully your GP will be able to pass on your concerns, or may even have some suggestions. Sometimes another view of the situation is useful. Another thought: Can you record one of his aggressive outbursts? (I don't have that sort of phone, so understand if you can't.) You could then send / play this to GP / SS / whoever, so that they can understand what is going on.thanks @lollyc i have a call back appt for myself and will mention it while im talking to them as i can legitimately go to a different room if its about myself
That's good. Hopefully your GP will be able to pass on your concerns, or may even have some suggestions. Sometimes another view of the situation is useful. Another thought: Can you record one of his aggressive outbursts? (I don't have that sort of phone, so understand if you can't.) You could then send / play this to GP / SS / whoever, so that they can understand what is going on.thanks @lollyc i have a call back appt for myself and will mention it while im talking to them as i can legitimately go to a different room if its about myself
thank you may just need to add another tablet on. ive sort of suggested it in the maybe you could....... category. im never quick enough to record themThat's good. Hopefully your GP will be able to pass on your concerns, or may even have some suggestions. Sometimes another view of the situation is useful. Another thought: Can you record one of his aggressive outbursts? (I don't have that sort of phone, so understand if you can't.) You could then send / play this to GP / SS / whoever, so that they can understand what is going on.
Fingers crossed you can get some help today.
So pleased that you have at least made contact. Hopefully things will move forward now.well the GP has been in touch as i have an UTI[wonderful]. also got to be tested for covid as ive been ill since my first jab last wednesday. asked about my husband and his GP will contact me which was better than i was getting. talk about slow but i suppose they have to cover themselves
thanks @Woo2 hugs appreciated. have spoken to him since and ive sold it would he like to go out with someone for an hour and he said that that will be nice. i said i bet his fed up with just me for company. im learning the dementia codeI’m so sorry for you @jennifer1967 , no words of wisdom , just hugs ?hope you feel better soon ?