Driving, consultant told husband to stop but he denies this

[Dianej]

My partner, aged 74, received his diagnosis this week and the consultant told him he could not drive, with immediate effect. The diagnosis was not a shock to me but the driving ban was I had not expected it so soon. Actually, there is nothing currently wrong with his driving, but that's not the problem here. He has never acknowledged that he has memory problems, and had to be got to the doctor's under pretext of getting his medication for other pre-existing conditions checked. He denies that he has any problems and argued with the consultant that there is nothing wrong with him and she doesn't know her job.
He has completely forgotten that he has had a diagnosis and that he was told not to drive. The thing is, he was quite happy to let me drive before, but now I have to keep telling him that he can't drive, he gets angry and there is a massive row. The issue crops up at least once a day, when he wants to drive me to the shops or visit relatives etc. Our relationship has always been a calm and placid one until now. He's just oblivious to the driving ban and I have no idea how to tackle this. He just says the doctor said no such thing and he will sort her out. Relatives have advised hiding the car keys etc, but he's not stupid, and sooner or later I would have to find them to use the car as we live in a rural area. I have considered actually selling the car, but he really loves it, and selling it would break his heart. I love it too as I treated myself to it with my redundancy pay-off from my last job. I am content to accept the doctor's view on his driving, though I think it's premature, but how on earth do I make this work? Normally I am a strong person but the rows are getting me down and I am in tears all the time. The stress is causing me to have migraines which I haven't had for 20 years. Since lockdown, we have spent the whole day, every day in this house together and I have been unable to go anywhere on my own. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the driving issue?

 

[nae sporran]

Hullo and welcome to the forums @Dianej.
I don't know much about the driving situation, but https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/ has many useful tips for diffusing the arguments. Sadly logic and reason go out the window with Dementia, so you have to distract, and sometimes be diplomatic or inventive. Good luck.

 

[Countryboy]

Hi most of the older TP members will know that Dementia - Driving is my pet subject for several years
well a few weeks ago a guy now 76 been a friend of ours for over 50 years was recently diagnosed with dementia after a few months of usual test and was given donepezil medication his GP told him he should inform the DVLA which obviously were in phone contact every week his wife told my wife he had a thank you letter from DVLA for telling them he had dementia they said they will add that on his drivers record never said Nothing about an assessment or a 1 year driver licence actually no problems whatsoever which I think is brilliant especially when I think about all the battles I had over the years

 

[Jacques]

He needs to inform his insurance company or his cover will be invalid if he has an accident. I think that the DVLA will send medical forms to be filled in at some point.
When my husband was first diagnosed he was allowed to drive but has to apply every year to have his licence renewed.

 

[Dianej]

The consultant said that she would be informing the DVLA immediately and that my partner could appeal but would be unlikely to win. I was just not expecting it. My partner doesn't even remember even going to the Memory Clinic and is completely unaware he has dementia. He does not understand how he can be banned from driving when he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello and welcome from me too @Dianej

This subject is frequently raised on the forum so if you would like to see a wide range of opinions/comments the search facility at the top of the page will bring up the vast history.

Beyond that, there is also a Society Factsheet that gives details of the issue and if you would like to read that just click the 2nd line of the following link

• Driving and dementia (439)
  PDF printable version

I wish you luck with this. It was a thorny subject with my wife when she was diagnosed but she agreed to giving up when I told her I would never ride in the car as a passenger if she drove the vehicle. She did continue to complain for a while but no longer does that.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Dianej
a warm welcome to DTP
might you try a bit of reverse psychology .... if your partner brings up the subject of driving, sympathise with him, say that dratted consultant has jumped the gun, and how you wish the DVLA would get a move on and contact him as it's unfair on you both, and when they do he can appeal and take the re-driving test to show them all, and what a nuisance it is that he can't break the law and drive but the 2 of you "won't be forced into that, will we, so how about a (treat) to cheer us both up ...." ... then walk away and make a cuppa/go to the loo (anything to create some space and maybe break the loop)

you might even 'go on strike' with him and not drive for a little while if you can get a bus or taxi or shop online ?

at least this way you'll not be the one stopping him and if you don't let him get a word in he may not argue ... talk as though he knows about the consultant etc so he might pick up on you holding them responsible, so you appear on his side

 

[Dianej]

I have tried refusing to get in the car as a passenger. I had driven my partner to the supermarket and left him waiting in the car which I have to do as he doesn't 't "get" face masks or social distancing. When I came out, he was in the driving seat, and refused to budge. I told him he was not insured and I would not get in the car. He became angry and eventually just drove off, leaving me stranded. My bag, money and phone were in the car so I could not call for help. I was terrified he would get lost or be involved in something when he wasn't insured, and I just stood in the car park and cried. After about 10 minutes, he did come back and, I think because I was crying, he agreed to let me drive home, but was very unhappy.
Now just having read your post, Shedrech, I wil try out the reverse psychology ploy and see how that works for us.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Dianej
given your description in your last post .... it may well be worth hiding/losing the car keys .... you are allowed to take such action to prevent a crime/risk of harm to him and others
again, behave as though you are really annoyed that you can't find the keys, can't understand where you can have left them, "where is that bag you were sure you put them in" etc (even ask him to help by looking in a place you know he won't find them) so your partner can be fed up with you but you're not telling him he cannot drive

 

[blackmortimer]

I think you've been given some excellent advice already, @Dianej All I would say would be to underline that whatever the DVLA require (and I have no experience of this part) it is absolutely paramount to inform the insurance company and not to allow your partner to drive until you've had confirmation from the company that it's OK for him to do so. If they withdraw cover (which is probably unlikely but you can't assume anything) then your partner cannot legally drive without arranging alternative cover.

God bless

 

[MartinWL]

The consultant said that she would be informing the DVLA immediately and that my partner could appeal but would be unlikely to win. I was just not expecting it. My partner doesn't even remember even going to the Memory Clinic and is completely unaware he has dementia. He does not understand how he can be banned from driving when he hasn't done anything wrong.

The DVLA process has started. They are slow but you can expect him to receive a questionnaire from the DVLA that must be returned. The probability is that his driving license will be revoked. This is hugely difficult, I have been through it with my father. Legally you can't stop him driving, only a court or the DVLA can do that. @Jacques is right about insurance and he cannot legally drive if his policy is cancelled. Whether you can sell the car depends on whose car it is, whether you have power of attorney, and whether in fact you need to be able to drive it. If it is possible to get rid of the car then unfortunately you will have to step into the fire on that one, as I did. Your husband doesn't have mental capacity for a decision to retain the car because he doesn't understand the diagnosis. The first requirement in the mental capacity Act is that he understands information given to him in relation to the decision, which obviously is not the case as the diagnosis is a very vital piece of information and closely related to the decision. I would try to keep things as calm as you can until the DVLA intervene. If you do not have POA already you probably should begin applying for deputyship as soon as you can. Sadly things will only get worse and without PoA or deputyship you are very restricted in what you can do.

 

[blackmortimer]

If you think you may have to go to the Court of Protection for a deputyship order, may I suggest you do so sooner rather than later. We've just gone through the process for my wife, Margaret. It wasn't at all complicated in terms of assets but still took almost 6 months from start to finish!

God bless,

 

[Weasell]

Get the consultant to put in writing his decision your husband can not longer drive.
Laminate the document.
Cut the corners of the laminate so they are semi circles instead of sharp triangles.
It hurts when the sharp cornered document is thrown at you.
But I am being serious ! verbal communication has failed, so try non verbal communication?

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Hi @Dianej this is such a difficult one in all of the problems with Dementia. When my OH was diagnosed 4 yrs ago his HGV was immediately revoked and that was hard, then in Nov 2019 his driving license wasn't renewed, but by then he was dangerous. He didn’t remember where we were going, would cut people up, and drive too close to other cars. My daughter said that I would never forgive myself if someone was hurt, and she was right. So I sold both our cars, his Jag and my Mini ?, and bought another one within the month, and boy did he resent it, and it took a good few months for him to settle down. But I would do the same again, and I’m afraid if he had ever driven off and left me standing, he would never be driving again!

 

[MartinWL]

Get the consultant to put in writing his decision your husband can not longer drive.
Laminate the document.
Cut the corners of the laminate so they are semi circles instead of sharp triangles.
It hurts when the sharp cornered document is thrown at you.
But I am being serious ! verbal communication has failed, so try non verbal communication?

Agree this is worth a try, although I would suggest laminating a copy of the document, putting the original in a safe place.

 

[Dianej]

Thank you all for your good advice. I was totally unprepared for what dementia has started to throw at me. I will try some of the ideas. Many thanks.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I tried the reverse psychology with with dad telling him that he couldn't drive at the moment because of what the doctor said but not too worry because I would be his chauffer and could take him anywhere which he sort of accepted. Then his licence expired and I told him that because of his age he would have to take his test again and he said he wouldn't bother because he was happy with me driving him around. It took a while but he accepted it in the end. Delay, delay and then delay some more but never say never.

 

[Miss Elli]

slightly different as this happened to my Mum on her diagnosis, she was very angry and insisted she was a good driver (stupid doctors, what do they know) and like your husband she forgot almost immediately her diagnosis. As Mum lives on her own we managed to take away her car keys so she couldn't take herself off for a drive and after a number of months we took the car away on the pretext of a repair and then sold it. It's obviously a little bit more difficult when its a partner you are living with and you are still driving the car, you just have to ensure the keys are always hidden from him and I believe that over time as the dementia worsens he may feel less confident in himself and not want to drive anymore. Not sure what stage you are at with his dementia right now but could park the car out of sight anywhere, is that a practical option and then maybe when you have to drive try telling him it's a hire car and he isn't insured to drive it.

 

[Helly68]

I agree with @Duggies-girl , when my Dad gave up driving, the agreement was that I would drive him to some things. We also majored on how he would be able to avoid "all those other idiot drivers" on the roads, rather than any emphasis on his dwindling ability to drive. The latter was a popular move, and now "lunatic drivers" is a popular topic of conversation when we go out. I was lucky, in that my Dad (no actual diagnosis as yet, but anxiety and memory issues) had a couple of minor accidents (possibly not even his fault) and he lost his confidence and sadly, that made the decision to stop driving easier. I know for many others who lack insight into their condition, it is much harder to convince them.

 

[Countryboy]

Hi but its not all doom and gloom most of the older TP members will know that Dementia - Driving is my pet subject for several years well a few weeks ago a guy now gone 76 has been a friend of ours for over 50 years he was recently diagnosed with dementia after a few months of usual test and was given donepezil medication his GP told him he should inform the DVLA which obviously which he dome we are in phone contact every week, his wife told my wife he had a letter from DVLA thanking him for telling them he had dementia the letter also said they will add that on his drivers record dvla never said anything further investigating his case or about an assessment or a 1 year driver licence actually no problems whatsoever which I think is brilliant especially when I think about all the battles I had over the years but good news for him