Looking for ways to calm mum down

[Helen10]

Just to update as haven’t posted for a while. The last few weeks have been overwhelming. We had a meeting with mum’s social worker and nurse today and they are actively looking at nursing homes with a view to mum moving there in the next few weeks.

Don’t think I have the words to explain how I feel. Feeling woefully inadequate as a daughter. Hopefully mum’s transition will be calm.

Hope everyone is ok
Hx

 

[Chi65]

Just to update as haven’t posted for a while. The last few weeks have been overwhelming. We had a meeting with mum’s social worker and nurse today and they are actively looking at nursing homes with a view to mum moving there in the next few weeks.

Don’t think I have the words to explain how I feel. Feeling woefully inadequate as a daughter. Hopefully mum’s transition will be calm.

Hope everyone is ok
Hx

I really really really don’t think you should feel woefully inadequate as a daughter.....I think you said in a post how your mum would hate to know the stress she’s causing.... my heart goes out to you. I’m no expert but it sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond and your ‘real’ mum before the illness would be proud and understanding? X

 

[Helenjy09]

Hello Helen, my dad was 86 last week and we’ve just been told he has dementia......now it has a name ?.

We have been trying to cope on our own for a very long time and I know exactly how you feel, in fact I said the same thing to my closest friend today.

Dad has had so many falls, today’s has resulted in a huge bump on his head and broken ribs. I spent 2 hours with him on the floor before the ambulance came and he’s at home with me in agony now. I can’t protect him and I can’t make him better.

I promised him I would never let him go in a home but there comes a point when as a son or daughter, despite all your best efforts you can’t keep them safe.

My heart breaks for you, it breaks for me too but please know you are not on your own love and your mum will be safe and cared for in the best possible way.

It’s all very easy to say, here I am feeling just like you. You know you’ve done your very best Helen but let the professionals hold your hand and support you through this, we have no choice do we and that’s what they are here to do.

Sending you much love and hugs x

 

[canary]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) to @Helen10 and @Helenjy09

It is a very hard time when your relative needs to move into a care home. We feel somehow, that we should be able to do anything required to look after them, but we are not robots or superman and there comes a time when dementia is far, far too great for us to deal with on our own, however loving and willing we are. What it needs is a whole team of people working shifts around the clock and there is no way we can replicate that on our own.

Moving to a care home may turn out to be a positive thing. Many people on here have posted that it is and certainly, in my mums case, she was much calmer and happier in her care home than she was before she moved.

I know that visiting has become difficult because of the pandemic, but I think there is light at the end of the tunnel,
xx

 

[Sarasa]

As @Helenjy09 said there comes a time when keeping someone with dementia safe becomes more than the ability for one person to care for them at home. You are not a failure as a daughter, you are a loving child who is doing their best for their mother.

 

[Helen10]

Hello Helen, my dad was 86 last week and we’ve just been told he has dementia......now it has a name ?.

We have been trying to cope on our own for a very long time and I know exactly how you feel, in fact I said the same thing to my closest friend today.

Dad has had so many falls, today’s has resulted in a huge bump on his head and broken ribs. I spent 2 hours with him on the floor before the ambulance came and he’s at home with me in agony now. I can’t protect him and I can’t make him better.

I promised him I would never let him go in a home but there comes a point when as a son or daughter, despite all your best efforts you can’t keep them safe.

My heart breaks for you, it breaks for me too but please know you are not on your own love and your mum will be safe and cared for in the best possible way.

It’s all very easy to say, here I am feeling just like you. You know you’ve done your very best Helen but let the professionals hold your hand and support you through this, we have no choice do we and that’s what they are here to do.

Sending you much love and hugs x

I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Hope he is in less pain today: it is a heartbreaking and terrible illness. Sending a hug x

 

[Helen10]

@Chi65 @canary @Sarasa @Helenjy09 -thank you for your messages of care and support. I just can’t help but feel like I’ve failed mum and feel incredibly guilty. Feeling very low today.

Hope you are all ok
Hx

 

[lemonbalm]

When someone is feeling very low, other people's comments can often sound a bit trite but I am going to post this in the hope that it helps you @Helen10 and any others who are feeling the same way about a loved one moving into a care home.

When I moved my mum into a care home, several years ago, I felt desperate, as though I would never be happy again and that she would never be happy again. I won't lie. It's not always gone well and I did have to move her into a specialist dementia home, but Mum has had plenty of very happy days in her current care home, where they love her to bits despite her being one of the more challenging residents.

It is a very difficult thing to face but you'll get through it with our help. Plenty of members have found their loved one to be far happier, healthier and calmer once moved into a care home environment. Happier times ahead Helen.

 

[Hazara8]

@Chi65 @canary @Sarasa @Helenjy09 -thank you for your messages of care and support. I just can’t help but feel like I’ve failed mum and feel incredibly guilty. Feeling very low today.

Hope you are all ok
Hx

There is a running theme in dementia related Care. That of " guilt ". Failure against all odds to maintain an equilibrium of ongoing Care, a nagging sense of betrayal, a frustrating accusatory finger pointing at your inadequacy. Added to this is the actual physical removal of a loved one to another place as if by proxy. All in all there is a wretched sense of helpless ' grief ' because what was seemingly in control despite all the challenges, is no longer the case. All of that person centred care is removed along with the loved one concerned. That is a very powerful event in the caring journey.

But the " guilt " is false. It stems from the actual fact that you cannot do any more however much you feel that you can. Your heart continues in the relationship of that Care because you simply cannot envisage a time when you say " no more". It wants so desperately to see it through to the very end. But that is, alas, the privilege offered to very few in the way of dementia. And when things become fraught with both physical and psychological trauma, or the day to day regime is simply so demanding that you become prone to illness, exhaustion and fall victim to incapability, then everything falls tragically apart. Then the transition into Care is both inevitable and raw reality come home to roost. The truth of the matter is that dementia makes the rules despite everything. It rests with us as Carers to recognise the parameters. Not easy. Our emotions cloud practicality and promote a kind of denial when this disease begins to challenge our ability to cope. The Care Home - if good - provides the means to an end of life which can alleviate the strictures we encounter at home. The environment can prove beneficial in different ways. The regime of Care is shared and thus a continuity of both care and comfort maintained. The important element is in providing unbroken attention to the needs, day and night. Good and properly trained Care understands dementia in all its guises. There should be empathy and compassion almost by default. At the end of the day if you know that all of this is in place, then come visiting time a great deal of anxiety can be quelled. Then after a period of time one sees a sense of " settling " has occurred and there is a difference in the behaviour of that loved one and it is positive. Of course every case is different and none of this is easy nor straightforward. But perhaps it is prudent to understand a fundamental truth. To feel " guilty " about what is impossible in essence to realise, - that of continuing to Care over and beyond what is humanly possible - is to be swept from your mind, because it is a bogus motion. Yes, when you curse under your breath because the clean sheet you have just changed has been immediately soiled and you are tired and want to sit down, then you take a deep breath and the " guilt " is deserved. Deserved because the sheet was not soiled by intent, but courtesy of a disease which robs a life and renders somebody just like you as a victim to all manner of genuine horrors, unseen, oblivious to all the care in this world and the source of all the unpredictable and demanding behaviour you encounter in a loved one. A loved one who has no choice and no say. Only you who Care have that choice. And love guides you in the making of that choice.

 

[Helen10]

We’ve had a calm weekend with mum. No fighting and only a few tearful incidents from mum. She even took herself to bed at 8pm tonight. Am I crazy to be considering calling off her move to a home? Advice and thoughts welcomed. My guilt seems to come in waves. Hx

 

[Woo2]

Good to hear you have had a calmer weekend , crazy yes probably but I think that is quite normal , I too keep see sawing and prevaricating , trying to justify my decision . I don’t have quite the same situation , Mum is reasonably calm most of the time . things will only get worse sadly not better , the toll on you all cannot be underestimated , we are all very different people to who we were pre Mum moving in and my daughters are late teens but if has affected us all hugely . I hope you can make the right decision for all of you , whatever that may be .Take care of yourself too ?

 

[Hazara8]

We’ve had a calm weekend with mum. No fighting and only a few tearful incidents from mum. She even took herself to bed at 8pm tonight. Am I crazy to be considering calling off her move to a home? Advice and thoughts welcomed. My guilt seems to come in waves. Hx

At the end of the day you will know. Like climbing a mountain, one has to pause for breath. But when the impassable confronts you, then the decision is really made for you. " Guilt " remains a running theme in all of this because even when things become unmanageable you still say " l could do this despite everything " in your heart of hearts. Each day in dementia is different. You see this in the Care Home regularly. When a child is injured and your limits of care are inadequate you willingly invite those who can achieve that Care, nurse or doctor and so on. No " guilt" enters your mind. Dementia is much more subtle and much more profound, but it relates to the same " best interests " which apply to the injured child. You will know when that time comes. But hopefully not when it becomes both traumatic and subject to a blue light intervention. Let " guilt " be relegated to those moments when we forget that it is dementia which abuses our care and not the one it inhabits. That lesson is often a test of compassion and empathy in essence.

 

[Sarasa]

I'm so glad you had a calmer weekend @Helen10. I would think long and hard before deciding to call off the move to the care home. As others have said things will get more difficult and moving your mum to a care home in a planned way seems better than it all happening in rush because there has been an emergency.

 

[Helen10]

Thank you @Sarasa @MrsV @Hazara8 @Woo2 for your advice.

We’ve had yet another calm day with mum. I say that like it’s a bad thing and it’s really not. It just makes the decision all the more heart wrenching. When she is angry and shouting or being rude, it feels like I have a reason. When she’s sitting on the couch, calmly, I feel like the wicked witch of the west.

Whilst the logical me says ok it’s time and you need help, the emotional me is wracked with guilt, however irrational it seems.

Thanks for the support-much needed and welcomed and the forum is keeping me sane at the moment.

Hxx

 

[Hazara8]

Thank you @Sarasa @MrsV @Hazara8 @Woo2 for your advice.

We’ve had yet another calm day with mum. I say that like it’s a bad thing and it’s really not. It just makes the decision all the more heart wrenching. When she is angry and shouting or being rude, it feels like I have a reason. When she’s sitting on the couch, calmly, I feel like the wicked witch of the west.

Whilst the logical me says ok it’s time and you need help, the emotional me is wracked with guilt, however irrational it seems.

Thanks for the support-much needed and welcomed and the forum is keeping me sane at the moment.

Hxx

No, you are not being irrational. The heart is a profound motivater in all this and the sheer notion of having to remove someone, especially a mother, from their natural home and environment seems plain wrong. Emotions can cloud the practicable course of action which falls into the idealistic " best interests " folder of Care. No, you persevere through love and beyond. But if that moment comes when all the efforts and the giving of Care is not enough, then you will probably know it.
Meanwhile, if you can see those "angry and shouting and being rude" moments as the dementia goblin at work and not the one it inhabits, that should ease the emotional angst. Not easy l know. Day to day rather than too much speculation on what is to be, l found to be prudent because then hopes are not dashed nor expectations crushed. Best wishes.

 

[Helen10]

It’s 4.30am and I’m lying awake worrying about mum, dad, the kids and the toll this disease is taking on them all.

Spoke to mum’s social worker yesterday and it looks likely that any move to a care home will be April at the earliest. Mum begs every day to go home. Dad is currently lying to her every day saying we are trying to sort that out but really knowing that he won’t be going home with her. Mum doesn’t even know where ‘home’ is. She just knows it’s not my house. Wonder if she’ll ever feel contented again. She has lost the anger this week for the most part and it has been replaced by tears-lots and lots of inconsolable tears.

Can’t help but think I’m failing everyone and my best is just not good enough. Feeling very very low. Thank you all for your support.
Hx

 

[lemonbalm]

Think of everything you’ve done over this awful year Helen. You’ve kept your family together, given your mum and dad a safe and loving home with all the challenges that has involved, with no outside help and whilst holding down your own job. I’d say you’ve been pretty amazing. ? Jx

 

[jennifer1967]

It’s 4.30am and I’m lying awake worrying about mum, dad, the kids and the toll this disease is taking on them all.

Spoke to mum’s social worker yesterday and it looks likely that any move to a care home will be April at the earliest. Mum begs every day to go home. Dad is currently lying to her every day saying we are trying to sort that out but really knowing that he won’t be going home with her. Mum doesn’t even know where ‘home’ is. She just knows it’s not my house. Wonder if she’ll ever feel contented again. She has lost the anger this week for the most part and it has been replaced by tears-lots and lots of inconsolable tears.

Can’t help but think I’m failing everyone and my best is just not good enough. Feeling very very low. Thank you all for your support.
Hx

you havent failed your mum but have cared for her very much. dont look upon your dad telling lies in that sense but in love lies that will help your mum in the long term. could your dad change what he says to maybe in a few days then repeat as it might sound positive. your mum is in the best place getting the care she needs from a whole team of people rather than you and your dad trying to do everything. you are back to being her daughter. please be kind to yourself

 

[Woo2]

I’m so sorry , it is truly heartbreaking for all of you , Dementia will take everything you have to give and more . Are there any medication tweaks available to help ? Thinking of you and sending big hugs , you are doing amazingly ? ?????

 

[Woo2]

Hi when I felt like this I literally just walked out the door , told hubby and then went , sat in car with music blaring just staring out the window , then I went for a drive and managed to calm down a bit , can you just get out for a short time to just take the pressure off immediately . I’m not sure what else you could do tonight , I’m guessing it would be a call to SS in the morning . Thinking of you . X