Lacking motivation

[Pusskins]

How do we get over this? I am drifting through each day with so much needing my attention, but no motivation to do any of it. There's nobody expected to knock on my door, no family on tap. I want to achieve things, but I have craft projects just sitting untouched for months. I can't even seem to read anymore which used to be one of my greatest loves. Is it just a matter of time? It's not yet 4 months since MH went into care.

Sometimes I worry that I could be in the early stages of dementia myself because of this lack of motivation, an early symptom of dementia.

 

[jennifer1967]

id give yourself time. you are missing him and he is on your mind. it will probably come back but dont force it.

 

[TNJJ]

How do we get over this? I am drifting through each day with so much needing my attention, but no motivation to do any of it. There's nobody expected to knock on my door, no family on tap. I want to achieve things, but I have craft projects just sitting untouched for months. I can't even seem to read anymore which used to be one of my greatest loves. Is it just a matter of time? It's not yet 4 months since MH went into care.

Sometimes I worry that I could be in the early stages of dementia myself because of this lack of motivation, an early symptom of dementia.

It is difficult I’m a bit the same. I have dad to care for but I still lack it. I decided that I need to do a job at home that needed doing for months so I do one a week. This week was sticking wallpaper back down that I have been meaning to do for months.. Little ? steps?

 

[Grannie G]

I decided that I need to do a job at home that needed doing for months so I do one a week

That`s a really good idea.

I started sorting things during the first lockdown but have lost the motivation too. One task a week is doable and i will try that.
Thanks @TNJJ

@Pusskins

I think you are going through a big culture shock. Four months is not long enough to repair your body and soul after years of caring for a husband with dementia and coping with the upset of adjusting to him in residential care.

If you can, let it be. Listen to your body and mind. They are telling you to rest. It will be easier with time.

 

[Dimpsy]

I think many of us are lacking motivation, so much sadness and the pandemic is wearying.

Like you @Pusskins, my passions are craft and reading. This time of year, I'm usually looking through my veg seeds and counting the days until it's time to start planting. Yet I haven't touched my lace pillow in twelve months, can't concentrate on reading and with the cold snap we're having, planting seeds is on the back burner.

A little flicker of hope; tomorrow OH and I are having our first jab, we're in our sixties.
I'm not going to punish myself because I'm going through a can't-be-bothered phase, just go with the flow.
As my lovely Sister In Law says, you can write your name in the dust, just don't date it ?

 

[Banjomansmate]

I have been feeling the same since I started caring for The Banjoman, although I didn’t live with him. Everything has gradually got on top of me and I find it difficult to gather up enthusiasm for any household jobs at all. I get out walking with the dogs most days, weather permitting, without them I would see nobody. Even though my family live ten minutes away I haven’t seen a lot of them due to Covid and self isolating.
After The Banjoman died in October 2019 I was busy doing things for Christmas and vowed that in 2020 I would find new interests and try to get out and meet people - we all know how that panned out! Luckily I was able to do gardening and some of my Bat rescue/care work over the summer but that was curtailed due to Coronavirus risks. Once again I was busy doin g some art work in the run up to Christmas but now I am back to struggling with finding enthusiasm for anything at all. I have wondered if I am suffering with depression or starting on the dementia route, especially when I read on here about the state of some houses that family discover when visiting their PWD, mine could fit in that category although I am aware of it, I just cannot gather up the mental and physical energy to tackle it. I find it all too easy to sit and read or use the iPad rather than get up and clear things out and throw them away. Even if I do start a job I lose interest in it after a short time or get distracted and give up on it.
I need the services of an electrician but they would have trouble getting into and around the house to do the work but as the kitchen ceiling light is close to giving up the ghost I’ll have to arrange something soon!
Of course trying to see one’s GP isn’t easy now either, I don’t fancy an e-consult however that pans out and unless you phone first thing in the morning you are unlikely to get a Dr. to phone you sometime later that day (if you are lucky). So I just trundle on and if I manage to get one small thing done in a day I look on it as a success.
@Dimpsy I do have a fridge magnet that reads
”Dust testing in progress, do not disturb the samples”

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi @Pusskins I am much the same, I can't see the point and dad died a year ago. I think it has to be small steps as @TNJJ has suggested. We had a man come today to fix a new meter in our under stairs cupboard so we had to empty it completely. My dining room looks like someone has emptied a skip on the floor and I have started to clear it. Unbelievable is the only way I can describe what come out of that cupboard but not much is going back in. I have already dumped a pile of junk in the dustbin and when they empty the bin on Friday I will put a load more in. That's my project. I don't want to do it but I must.

I think that how you are feeling is normal and it is just going to take us longer than we expected to get used to these big life changes and they are big. Covid makes everything worse because we think 'what is the point' and it must be even worse knowing that your loved one is still here but just not with you. Hopefully things will improve.

 

[Dimpsy]

I have been feeling the same since I started caring for The Banjoman, although I didn’t live with him. Everything has gradually got on top of me and I find it difficult to gather up enthusiasm for any household jobs at all. I get out walking with the dogs most days, weather permitting, without them I would see nobody. Even though my family live ten minutes away I haven’t seen a lot of them due to Covid and self isolating.
After The Banjoman died in October 2019 I was busy doing things for Christmas and vowed that in 2020 I would find new interests and try to get out and meet people - we all know how that panned out! Luckily I was able to do gardening and some of my Bat rescue/care work over the summer but that was curtailed due to Coronavirus risks. Once again I was busy doin g some art work in the run up to Christmas but now I am back to struggling with finding enthusiasm for anything at all. I have wondered if I am suffering with depression or starting on the dementia route, especially when I read on here about the state of some houses that family discover when visiting their PWD, mine could fit in that category although I am aware of it, I just cannot gather up the mental and physical energy to tackle it. I find it all too easy to sit and read or use the iPad rather than get up and clear things out and throw them away. Even if I do start a job I lose interest in it after a short time or get distracted and give up on it.
I need the services of an electrician but they would have trouble getting into and around the house to do the work but as the kitchen ceiling light is close to giving up the ghost I’ll have to arrange something soon!
Of course trying to see one’s GP isn’t easy now either, I don’t fancy an e-consult however that pans out and unless you phone first thing in the morning you are unlikely to get a Dr. to phone you sometime later that day (if you are lucky). So I just trundle on and if I manage to get one small thing done in a day I look on it as a success.
@Dimpsy I do have a fridge magnet that reads
”Dust testing in progress, do not disturb the samples”

Dust!!
My answer - open the windows and let the wind do the dusting for you.
Keep five wording ?

 

[Pusskins]

@Dimpsy Have you ever had your B12 levels checked? I struggle to absorb it in any form and I know that sometimes when my levels are low I go downhill rapidly, feeling very fatigued and apathetic, very depressed and tearful. Not great when trying to deal with the emotional fallout of having one's spouse suffering dementia.

 

[Banjomansmate]

@Dimpsy Have you ever had your B12 levels checked? I struggle to absorb it in any form and I know that sometimes when my levels are low I go downhill rapidly, feeling very fatigued and apathetic, very depressed and tearful. Not great when trying to deal with the emotional fallout of having one's spouse suffering dementia.

I have to have them and can feel when they are running out. Never feel a burst of energy when I’ve just had them though!

 

[DennyD]

Same here Pusskins, I recognise so very well what you are describing. I'm going round in circles, no concentration, no motivation. Husband in emergency respite just before Christmas and last week it was decided he's ready for discharge. Given the circumstances I've decided this should be to a care home, and am now waiting for the discharge meeting to take place. In the meantime I'm getting worried about the financial situation. I resigned from my job to look after my husband but now still have 8 years to go before state pension, meaning I need to go back to work. This fills me with dread, I have a telephone interview this morning with the universal credit people. I'm only just starting to adjust to him not being at home and waiting for social services support with the transition to a care home.
I looked at my projects untouched for so long, equally the unread books and the poor state of our home which desperately needs attention. Last night channel hopping, the tv programmes feel senseless. Then for some reason made myself open a book and started reading, what a relief that was. So I've told myself to make time today for some reading and maybe this will lead to other things. I agree with GrannieG, a culture shock is what we are experiencing. The toll caring takes on our health I think is underestimated. We have to allow ourselves the time to heal and this takes time, sometimes a long time. I'm starting to realise this and need to let it take its natural course. Equally others need to allow us to do so. I do believe we recognise the good things around us and in the people around us that keeps us going. Spring is coming.

 

[kindred]

Same here Pusskins, I recognise so very well what you are describing. I'm going round in circles, no concentration, no motivation. Husband in emergency respite just before Christmas and last week it was decided he's ready for discharge. Given the circumstances I've decided this should be to a care home, and am now waiting for the discharge meeting to take place. In the meantime I'm getting worried about the financial situation. I resigned from my job to look after my husband but now still have 8 years to go before state pension, meaning I need to go back to work. This fills me with dread, I have a telephone interview this morning with the universal credit people. I'm only just starting to adjust to him not being at home and waiting for social services support with the transition to a care home.
I looked at my projects untouched for so long, equally the unread books and the poor state of our home which desperately needs attention. Last night channel hopping, the tv programmes feel senseless. Then for some reason made myself open a book and started reading, what a relief that was. So I've told myself to make time today for some reading and maybe this will lead to other things. I agree with GrannieG, a culture shock is what we are experiencing. The toll caring takes on our health I think is underestimated. We have to allow ourselves the time to heal and this takes time, sometimes a long time. I'm starting to realise this and need to let it take its natural course. Equally others need to allow us to do so. I do believe we recognise the good things around us and in the people around us that keeps us going. Spring is coming.

I think there’s a kind of long dementia carer effect, a bit like long covid and I’m not being disrespectful. Kindred

 

[Duggies-girl]

I think there’s a kind of long dementia carer effect, a bit like long covid and I’m not being disrespectful. Kindred

I agree with that.

 

[kindred]

I agree with that.

Oh thank you! Felt rather nervous about saying it. With me it’s a shortage of courage, I used to be so bold. Now I am afraid to venture very far because I still feel I must be able to get back quickly in case of a disaster. I think four years of coming home even from posting a letter to so many disasters, have conditioned me, I just hope not for life. I still feel alone on a desert island. And I had awful experience of being reduced to a beggar by social services. So that’s my long dementia carer ... I’d love to hear from others. Warmest, Kindrrd

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I think there’s a kind of long dementia carer effect, a bit like long covid and I’m not being disrespectful. Kindred

You may be right. I'm another 'what's the point?' person. Mum died in November 2019 and - please don't get me wrong - I was so looking forward to having my life back and not fearing every phone call. Maybe it's the endless responsibility of it all, the fact it occupies your every waking moment... I don't know.

And then the pandemic. That's bad enough with everything it brings but for those hoping to 'recover' from being a dementia carer, it's an additional obstacle/setback. Can't talk to my children about it - they are just relieved (for me) it's all over and I don't want to burden them. My boyfriend doesn't get it. He thinks I am 'dwelling on it all' and doesn't understand that I can't move on, that it has changed me forever.

It's why I still hang around this place! People here understand.

 

[Duggies-girl]

You may be right. I'm another 'what's the point?' person. Mum died in November 2019 and - please don't get me wrong - I was so looking forward to having my life back and not fearing every phone call. Maybe it's the endless responsibility of it all, the fact it occupies your every waking moment... I don't know.

And then the pandemic. That's bad enough with everything it brings but for those hoping to 'recover' from being a dementia carer, it's an additional obstacle/setback. Can't talk to my children about it - they are just relieved (for me) it's all over and I don't want to burden them. My boyfriend doesn't get it. He thinks I am 'dwelling on it all' and doesn't understand that I can't move on, that it has changed me forever.

It's why I still hang around this place! People here understand.

I don't think anyone 'gets it' unless they have lived it. Yes getting my life back was something I was looking forward to but it's not happened. It's still the same as before except I am in a different house with different people. It's a lack of choice, and the lack of own space. I am never on my own unless I go for a walk and I can't get motivated for that lately.

Yes fearing things, I was frightened every time dad got out of his chair in case he fell over, he slept so well and he was so white that I often thought he was dead in bed in the mornings and his coughing scared the hell out of me. I liken it to being in a state of continual panic stations or high alert all the time and now that's gone we have come down with a huge bump just to find another series of obstacles (pandemic) that stop us living normally.

 

[Melles Belles]

Do you think it could be a form of PTSD? Caring for a PWD is so stressful and can go on for years. The never knowing when the next problem will crop up such as a fall, and infection. Let alone the day to day stresses of looking after someone declining in mental and probably physical abilities. The lack of support etc. Financial worries in some cases.
Then add the grieving for your loved one whether they have moved into care or sadly died.
Then instantly you are supposed to get back on with your life as though nothing has happened, and maybe back to work after a career break and it’s difficult getting work in your 50s and 60s.
It is no wonder you are not feeling motivated.

 

[Lilac Blossom]

I think there’s a kind of long dementia carer effect (Quote from Kindred's post)

I also feel that this is a possible explanation Kindred. I sat at hubby's bedside every day for weeks and he died a year ago. Almost right away everything closed down due to Covid so there was nowhere I could go to meet other people and no family here.

This should be a time when I could tidy up, get rid of accumulated junk, do jobs that need to be done around the house and get tradesmen in to see to necessary house repairs/maintenance - so much has been postponed as hubby's needs were priority. Yet there is no motivation even to return to the hobbies I regretfully gave up when hubby's needs escalated. I wish I could regain a wee bit of confidence which is sadly lacking at the moment.

Thank you Pusskins and all who have replied to this thread - it helps to hear everyone's experience.

Lilac x

 

[Dimpsy]

@Dimpsy Have you ever had your B12 levels checked? I struggle to absorb it in any form and I know that sometimes when my levels are low I go downhill rapidly, feeling very fatigued and apathetic, very depressed and tearful. Not great when trying to deal with the emotional fallout of having one's spouse suffering dementia.

I haven't had B12 levels checked specifically, it isn't that long ago that I had my annual health check, with blood test, and nothing out of the ordinary showed up, but maybe I'll try and increase B12 intake, thank you.
Our diet is good, more for mum's benefit really. Whereas OH and I may have not bothered with lunch if we're out and about, tied to mum means regular meals. And that sounds a terrible thing to say, but our lives revolve around mum 100%.
I'm not going to grumble any more (believe me, I could write pages) but concentrate on the fact OH and I had our first Covid jab; easy peasy and a tiny step closer to life as we know it.

 

[Dimpsy]

Same here Pusskins, I recognise so very well what you are describing. I'm going round in circles, no concentration, no motivation. Husband in emergency respite just before Christmas and last week it was decided he's ready for discharge. Given the circumstances I've decided this should be to a care home, and am now waiting for the discharge meeting to take place. In the meantime I'm getting worried about the financial situation. I resigned from my job to look after my husband but now still have 8 years to go before state pension, meaning I need to go back to work. This fills me with dread, I have a telephone interview this morning with the universal credit people. I'm only just starting to adjust to him not being at home and waiting for social services support with the transition to a care home.
I looked at my projects untouched for so long, equally the unread books and the poor state of our home which desperately needs attention. Last night channel hopping, the tv programmes feel senseless. Then for some reason made myself open a book and started reading, what a relief that was. So I've told myself to make time today for some reading and maybe this will lead to other things. I agree with GrannieG, a culture shock is what we are experiencing. The toll caring takes on our health I think is underestimated. We have to allow ourselves the time to heal and this takes time, sometimes a long time. I'm starting to realise this and need to let it take its natural course. Equally others need to allow us to do so. I do believe we recognise the good things around us and in the people around us that keeps us going. Spring is coming.

@DennyD, I had the exact same panic about the state pension.
Like you, retirement age is not too far away and I'd got it into my head that I wouldn't qualify for the full pension.
If you log onto the Government Gateway site, you can check your work history to see if you have any years that don't qualify.
In my case, I had just one year. I had paid NI contributions, then was covered by Maternity Allowance credits, but no child benefit class 3 credits had been included for the rest of that tax year.
I downloaded the relevant form and posted my claim to add the credits to my work record