Is this fair to a 7 year old? At that age, she really doesn't have the framework to understand dementia - it must be very frightening for her. Children and 'difficult' dementia do not mix well. Please consider a care home - for all of you.
Looking for ways to calm mum down
- Thread starter Helen10
- Start date
Hi @Helen10, I think it might be worth contacting the support line
0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk and talking through your options. As @Jaded'n'faded said small children and advanced dementia really don't mix.
Do your parents still have their own home and could they return there with support? It sounds like your father is expecting far too much of you.
I'd also contact your mother's social worker and talk through the options.
0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk and talking through your options. As @Jaded'n'faded said small children and advanced dementia really don't mix.
Do your parents still have their own home and could they return there with support? It sounds like your father is expecting far too much of you.
I'd also contact your mother's social worker and talk through the options.
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I expect you already know all this already @Helen10 but this link might be useful in the meantime:
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Aggressive behaviour and dementia
Read our information for carers about aggression and dementia, what we mean by aggressive behaviour and why a person with dementia may behave aggressively.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
@Sarasa @Jaded'n'faded @lemonbalm -thanks all for your responses. Sorry for not responding sooner-I’ve been catching up on the work I had missed earlier ?. Turns out mum was hungry and wanted to eat early so she had dinner and was much more settled after that.
mum not sure the social worker would sign off on mum and dad going home-even with a care package. We’ve had it before and it just doesn’t work. Mum has always been the dominant one and the organiser. It’s awful to see her dementia manifest itself in her effectively bullying her husband. Dad managed on his own with her for 5 months last year before she was sectioned. I was getting called over several times in the week and was then there all weekend too.
I think a care home will be the solution in the longer term but not the one that is on offer as dad won’t have her there. Other specialist units aren’t local.
I can see it isn’t fair to the kids but it also doesn’t seem far to mum or dad. They have done so much for me, I want to somehow repay that.
I feel like I’ve just joined here and moaned lots though! I’m very sorry for that. Although the warmth and virtual hugs and feeling there are other people out there going through similar things and who care is wonderful! ? Hopefully I can be of support too.
mum not sure the social worker would sign off on mum and dad going home-even with a care package. We’ve had it before and it just doesn’t work. Mum has always been the dominant one and the organiser. It’s awful to see her dementia manifest itself in her effectively bullying her husband. Dad managed on his own with her for 5 months last year before she was sectioned. I was getting called over several times in the week and was then there all weekend too.
I think a care home will be the solution in the longer term but not the one that is on offer as dad won’t have her there. Other specialist units aren’t local.
I can see it isn’t fair to the kids but it also doesn’t seem far to mum or dad. They have done so much for me, I want to somehow repay that.
I feel like I’ve just joined here and moaned lots though! I’m very sorry for that. Although the warmth and virtual hugs and feeling there are other people out there going through similar things and who care is wonderful! ? Hopefully I can be of support too.
Thanks @MaNaAk ?. That’s the issue-there aren’t any suitable homes in the area. There are 2 that are in theory the right type but they are linked with each other (so effectively the same) and it’s the one mum ended up getting sectioned from last year. In many ways mum is still highly functioning. She can go to the bathroom unaided, I help her in the shower but only because she is bad on her feet. She eats really really slowly these days. I think she has had a rapid decline in last 12 months. She has mixed dementia. Dad wonders if she will last the year. My mums mum had Alzheimer’s and she lived with us when I was a child. She died when I was nearly 11. Mums biggest regret was that she cared for her the whole time until about 6 weeks before she died when she went into a home. Mum says she wished she had managed to keep her home til the end.
I do know how you feel @Helen10. My parents did a lot for me so I always felt I wanted to pay some of that back. My children were older than yours but they still struggled with the dementia behaviour. It must be unbearably difficult with the pandemic keeping everyone at home.
Admiral nurses, mentioned by MaNaAk, are available to help dementia carers at home although when I called they didn’t have any in my area. They will talk things through on the phone though which I occasionally found helpful.
Admiral nurses, mentioned by MaNaAk, are available to help dementia carers at home although when I called they didn’t have any in my area. They will talk things through on the phone though which I occasionally found helpful.
I don’t think admiral nurses are available according to mums social worker. Their service in our area is currently under review. I will reach out to the other links to understand our options.
mum’s dementia doctor called me today-first time I’ve spoken to the doctor directly. He’s changed her meds with me over the phone. They were only changed on Saturday ?. She’s on such a concoction and think they want to try and reduce that. Feel like a doctor myself. Did say that given I’m dealing with this at home, I need an option for if mum reacts negatively to the changes in medication. Last thing I need is another situation like last time. Today she has been less confrontational but also more confused and less mobile. Feel like I’ll be a qualified nurse or doctor at the end of this! Fingers crossed ?the changes help. It is such a big responsibility dealing with all of that at home.
mum’s dementia doctor called me today-first time I’ve spoken to the doctor directly. He’s changed her meds with me over the phone. They were only changed on Saturday ?. She’s on such a concoction and think they want to try and reduce that. Feel like a doctor myself. Did say that given I’m dealing with this at home, I need an option for if mum reacts negatively to the changes in medication. Last thing I need is another situation like last time. Today she has been less confrontational but also more confused and less mobile. Feel like I’ll be a qualified nurse or doctor at the end of this! Fingers crossed ?the changes help. It is such a big responsibility dealing with all of that at home.
@lemonbalm -thank you so much! Tomorrow it’s dad’s turn for a trip to a hospital appointment so am leaving mum at home with the husband and two kids. Here’s hoping I don’t get back to world war 3 ?
This brings back so many memories of looking after two ill elderly parents. Constant juggling - with knives - and not much sleep. I hope all goes well today. Will be thinking of you!
@lemonbalm well I came back to relative calm-phew!! Settled down to an afternoon of work. Mum just got agitated around 5 and came to me in tears. Not sure this balance of meds is quite right... ?
could be sundowning that time of night when they get a bit restless and agitated. its could you came back to calm. it is a big responsibility at home but looks like you are doing really well to juggle it all. you are doing your best
I'm glad you came home to relative calm. A shame it didn't last but late afternoon can be particularly tricky and it's so difficult getting the balance of med's right - and waiting to see what works. I guess your mum is already taking something for anxiety.
You really are doing a marvellous job with all the juggling and keeping all the knives in the air!
Just finished working to try and catch up a bit. Crawled into bed. Tearful and overwhelmed.
Despite this crowded house it often feels very lonely. There isn’t much time to sit and actually talk. Everyone looks to me to be in control. A lot of the time I feel very much not in control.
Despite this crowded house it often feels very lonely. There isn’t much time to sit and actually talk. Everyone looks to me to be in control. A lot of the time I feel very much not in control.
You are being expected to take on far too much to please your dad. Your mum needs a nursing home. Your dad can no longer manage her and its too much for you. Your husband should not have to put up with this situation nor your children. Would you accept a his mum with severe dementia plus your FiL living with you?
Do they still have a home to return to? If so tell adult social care you can't cope and they are going to return home. Tell them you fear for your mums safety but your dad won't let her go into care.
Dementia is not easy to control and you have far too much on your plate. Just treading water under the current circumstances would be remarkable. You can't keep this up for long. What is your plan after the children go back to school (room for some carers to come in then perhaps)? Have you had time to think about it? Perhaps starting to plan may make you feel more in control.
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you sound so stressed and exhausted, is there any way you could get help for your FIL just to have sometime to yourself to wind down from children being home schooled, work and FIL? you are going to make yourself ill and wont be able to do any of it. your FIL needs a needs assessment and you need a carers assessment which you are entitled to. you are doing so much that cant be good for you. look after yourself
