Issues with controlling brother

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
First timer on this website - any help most welcome.
I have 3 brothers and me only girl. For many years 3 of us have taken care of our parents. Eldest brother was too busy building his empire to bother about them despite my parents being there for him when his business and marriage went down the pan. Due to his non involvement - me and my youngest brother were made LPAs for both parents for health and finance. Middle and younger brother made executors of wills for both parents. Our eldest brother has recently kicked up a storm over this - saying we are devious, manipulative, cannot accept that he has been left out and he does not trust us with our parents money etc etc. (Parents will states all £ to be divided equally amongst the children.)

Our Mother died recently - she had been ill for some time. Just prior to her death we moved her into a care home as she needed more support than could be given in their dormer bungalow home. Dad has also moved into the same care home. The staff are great and dad is really doing well. Previously, we did not think he would even make a couple of weeks - he has been there two months, put on weight and always looks well dressed/groomed. Keeps telling us how good the food are and how nice staff are.

Despite this our elder brother is making a real nuisance of himself - bombarding the care home and us with complaints, being abusive to the staff, telling my dad he should be at home and there is nothing wrong with him. (My dad has been assessed by the gp as having dementia. For some reason the social worker wants to do another assessment.) Despite my elder brother not being a medic he denies all of this. He has been at the home putting messages up at the window to dad saying he is taking him home. Also been telling dad we have been stealing money. None of this is true. This is all really unsettling for dad. Oh also brother has reported us sibl8ngsmtomthemPolice, Office of Public Guardian and the care home to the CQC!

Can anyone advise us on what we can do to prevent my brother poisoning our dad’s mind and causing us so much grief? We are concerned the care home may decide it is too much trouble to keep dad there owing to my idiot of a brother. PS. I believe that my brother has financial issues owing to covid situation and is desperate for ££. The care home keep telling him not to do things but he keeps breaking the rules - how to tackle?
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,258
0
High Peak
You might want to try (jointly) sending him a solicitor's letter telling him his behaviour is unacceptable and asking him to cease and desist. Say that failure to comply will leave you no choice but to go to court and take out an injunction.

His behaviour is harrassment and also detrimental to your father's wellbeing.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,778
0
Is there the smallest possibility the brother could have dementia himself?
The ‘ stealing money’ is sounding very familiar!
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
I have spoken with a relative who is in the Police and he said it is not a Police matter. He suggested getting a solicitor involved, which is what we are doing. Ironic thing is he never wanted to know before but now is riding in on his charger ☹️.

We are talking to Social Services about safeguarding and emotional abuse. Do get the feeling though that it is down to us to deal with it.
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
Is there the smallest possibility the brother could have dementia himself?
The ‘ stealing money’ is sounding very familiar!
He does have very narcissistic behaviours - he is right about everything, very aggressive, rude, domineering - basically delightful! I do think he has completely lost the plot.
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
You might want to try (jointly) sending him a solicitor's letter telling him his behaviour is unacceptable and asking him to cease and desist. Say that failure to comply will leave you no choice but to go to court and take out an injunction.

His behaviour is harrassment and also detrimental to your father's wellbeing.
Yes we have thought about this especially the court order.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,778
0
He does have very narcissistic behaviours - he is right about everything, very aggressive, rude, domineering - basically delightful! I do think he has completely lost the plot.
Whatever happens I think your new best friend needs to be record keeping.
Is there one of you that would be able to record events almost on a daily basis ?

Have you asked him why he wants your dad home? The care home obviously costs money, but the savings wouldn’t go to your brother! Or do you suspect that out of the safety of the care home he would bully your father?

I think I would request to speak to the safeguarding lead at social services ? It might not work but worth a try.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi @Caracaskid
any chance of a move of room so your dad is not somewhere your brother can bother him

if he keeps visiting the home in this way, is he not breaking the new restrictions and trespassing
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,778
0
Perhaps worth asking the care home to ‘beef up’ their documentation on any events as well?
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
Whatever happens I think your new best friend needs to be record keeping.
Is there one of you that would be able to record events almost on a daily basis ?

Have you asked him why he wants your dad home? The care home obviously costs money, but the savings wouldn’t go to your brother! Or do you suspect that out of the safety of the care home he would bully your father?

I think I would request to speak to the safeguarding lead at social services ? It might not work but worth a try.
All: Thanks for the advice.

Yes I agree record keeping is essential. Costs are interesting. We have calculated that keeping dad at home with 24x7 cover with 1 carer on duty would cost almost £3,500 a week excl costs for food, cleaning, utilities, incontinence pads etc. This is compared with £1,000 a week in the care home where they have a team of trained staff with nurses to hand, lifting equipment, etc etc. It’s a no brainer! We have shared this info with my brother. He reckons he can do it cheaper. Yes my Brother says he would undertake all the caring .... This is the person who has to date only provided 2 nights cover in almost 15 years and that was just before dad went in the care home. We all provided two nights cover for dad and we were exhausted. I was up 5 times on one night alone. The social worker involved with my dad is from the Safeguarding Team. Yes we do have concern that my brother will try and get dad to change his POA/executor details. Brother does not seem to grasp that you cannot just make changes esp if someone has been diagnosed with dementia.
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
hi @Caracaskid
any chance of a move of room so your dad is not somewhere your brother can bother him

if he keeps visiting the home in this way, is he not breaking the new restrictions and trespassing
We cannot visit dad in person but stand outside and talk through a window. Things is we do use an iPad to speak/see him and brother has been contacting him via that. Has got so bad the care home now monitor his conversations and close these down if these get too naughty, ie brother telling dad he is being tricked out of his money, not got dementia, should be at home, etc.
 

Chaplin

Registered User
May 24, 2015
354
0
Bristol
I think anyone with an ounce of common sense can see clearly that your manipulative brother is only looking out for himself here. I hope your social worker sees this as a safeguarding issue and you can get an injunction against your brother. Sadly money motivates people in a very negative way and the only way to protect your dad is to keep the ‘invisible’ brother at arms length. If he’s as smart as he thinks he would be making some legal enquiries of his own and will soon realise his demands are futile. You have lots of independent evidence from the care home as well as your own evidence if needed, so get to a solicitor and save yourselves the unnecessary destructions so that you can put your energy into supporting your dad. Good luck.
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
I think anyone with an ounce of common sense can see clearly that your manipulative brother is only looking out for himself here. I hope your social worker sees this as a safeguarding issue and you can get an injunction against your brother. Sadly money motivates people in a very negative way and the only way to protect your dad is to keep the ‘invisible’ brother at arms length. If he’s as smart as he thinks he would be making some legal enquiries of his own and will soon realise his demands are futile. You have lots of independent evidence from the care home as well as your own evidence if needed, so get to a solicitor and save yourselves the unnecessary destructions so that you can put your energy into supporting your dad. Good luck.
Thank you x
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
2,025
0
67
London
You might want to try (jointly) sending him a solicitor's letter telling him his behaviour is unacceptable and asking him to cease and desist. Say that failure to comply will leave you no choice but to go to court and take out an injunction.

His behaviour is harrassment and also detrimental to your father's wellbeing.
I agree with this, it is not s police matter unless he commits a criminal offence. The care home could ask police to remove him from the premises if he refuses to depart when asked. Depending on the details there just might be a case against him under laws about using computer systems to send threatening or abusive messages but it might not be at that level. In the event of him doing anything criminal, even very minor criminal damage, report it to the police. But a solicitor is your next port of call.
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
I agree with this, it is not s police matter unless he commits a criminal offence. The care home could ask police to remove him from the premises if he refuses to depart when asked. Depending on the details there just might be a case against him under laws about using computer systems to send threatening or abusive messages but it might not be at that level. In the event of him doing anything criminal, even very minor criminal damage, report it to the police. But a solicitor is your next port of call.
Thank you - yes we have come to that conclusion ?
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
Things getting more interesting. Dad now been diagnosed as having Alzheimers by gp/social worker - brother disagrees! Due to his abusive behaviour we have banned him from going to home to see dad. Now wondering if we have to move dad to new care home (too much trouble for existing one), do we have to inform brother of new address? I am pushing for solicitor to get involved but other family members hesitant ...
 

Caracaskid

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
14
0
Saw my dad today and he is shell shocked - doesn’t know who to trust. A 96 year old should not be bullied in this manner - so upsetting to see! I want to string someone up by his you know whats!
 

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