As some of you will know, I’m in the middle of dealing with problems with both my parents. Dad, who does not have dementia, is still in hospital following a fall and severe UTI in early September. This leaves Mum, PWD, at home alone. She’s in Cardiff, I’m in Essex and I have no siblings.
It really is a roller coaster ride with both of them, and COVID is making it all so much harder. I cannot visit Dad at all, so rely on a short call from him each evening, He is utterly fed up, it’s becoming increasingly clear that he isn’t going to regain any meaningful mobility and the next battle there is likely to be around getting Social Services to agree to fund a residential care placement instead of making him go home with a “four calls” package. The latter would almost certainly be a disaster as Mum cannot grasp that he really is unable to stand or walk and will just harangue him. He will be stuck in either bed or chair with no sane company if he goes home, he is now willing to consider that a care home could have more advantages than disadvantages but of course nothing is going to move quickly and in the meantime he is stuck.
Meanwhile I have Mum wanting me to go and fetch him home. I have been with her for a couple of days this week and I got this several times a day. She is actually coping far better at home alone than anyone thought she would, but she doesn’t like being in the house on her own at night and her night time hallucinations seem to be getting worse and bothering her more. She was quite unhappy when I explained that I can’t see her now for a few weeks because of the Welsh lockdown, she can remember that I’m not going, but doesn’t remember that other people (who she knows quite well) will come and do the shopping and laundry for her. You all know too well how wearing the constant repetition is, the strain of trying to constantly appear cheerful when you really want to scream, the frustration of trying to get the PWD to understand a simple explanation. I love the person my mum used to be but I really don’t like the person she is now all that much. I never expected to be dealing with all of this at once, and certainly never thought I’d be looking at dad going into a care home first. And I hate the long drive which of course I have to do alone with all the COVID restrictions that apply.
And of course the guilt monster is my constant companion. Guilt that I don’t always handle situations with mum as well as I should, guilt that I’m relieved to have a good excuse not to go for a few weeks. Guilt that I have to ask others to provide the support I ought to manage (even though I know that’s totally unrealistic given the distances involved). You all know how it goes. I know guilt is a pointless emotion especially when I can’t actually change anything. That is probably the worst thing, I want to be able to take control and make everything OK, but that’s impossible.
One thing I’m grateful for is the insights into facilitating a move into a care home that have come through this site. Dad is easier for me than most of your situations because if he goes, it will be by his own agreement and I can have the logical discussions with him. It’s been really useful to know that care homes are more often than not successful outcomes and that company and regular attention can really improve quality of life. My nightmare will be getting Mum to understand that if Dad goes into a care home it will be because it is the best thing and he isn’t being kept prisoner against his will, she already thinks that’s what is happening with the hospital! So if anyone has ideas on how I might sell this to her if and when it happens, I’d be really keen to have them.
It really is a roller coaster ride with both of them, and COVID is making it all so much harder. I cannot visit Dad at all, so rely on a short call from him each evening, He is utterly fed up, it’s becoming increasingly clear that he isn’t going to regain any meaningful mobility and the next battle there is likely to be around getting Social Services to agree to fund a residential care placement instead of making him go home with a “four calls” package. The latter would almost certainly be a disaster as Mum cannot grasp that he really is unable to stand or walk and will just harangue him. He will be stuck in either bed or chair with no sane company if he goes home, he is now willing to consider that a care home could have more advantages than disadvantages but of course nothing is going to move quickly and in the meantime he is stuck.
Meanwhile I have Mum wanting me to go and fetch him home. I have been with her for a couple of days this week and I got this several times a day. She is actually coping far better at home alone than anyone thought she would, but she doesn’t like being in the house on her own at night and her night time hallucinations seem to be getting worse and bothering her more. She was quite unhappy when I explained that I can’t see her now for a few weeks because of the Welsh lockdown, she can remember that I’m not going, but doesn’t remember that other people (who she knows quite well) will come and do the shopping and laundry for her. You all know too well how wearing the constant repetition is, the strain of trying to constantly appear cheerful when you really want to scream, the frustration of trying to get the PWD to understand a simple explanation. I love the person my mum used to be but I really don’t like the person she is now all that much. I never expected to be dealing with all of this at once, and certainly never thought I’d be looking at dad going into a care home first. And I hate the long drive which of course I have to do alone with all the COVID restrictions that apply.
And of course the guilt monster is my constant companion. Guilt that I don’t always handle situations with mum as well as I should, guilt that I’m relieved to have a good excuse not to go for a few weeks. Guilt that I have to ask others to provide the support I ought to manage (even though I know that’s totally unrealistic given the distances involved). You all know how it goes. I know guilt is a pointless emotion especially when I can’t actually change anything. That is probably the worst thing, I want to be able to take control and make everything OK, but that’s impossible.
One thing I’m grateful for is the insights into facilitating a move into a care home that have come through this site. Dad is easier for me than most of your situations because if he goes, it will be by his own agreement and I can have the logical discussions with him. It’s been really useful to know that care homes are more often than not successful outcomes and that company and regular attention can really improve quality of life. My nightmare will be getting Mum to understand that if Dad goes into a care home it will be because it is the best thing and he isn’t being kept prisoner against his will, she already thinks that’s what is happening with the hospital! So if anyone has ideas on how I might sell this to her if and when it happens, I’d be really keen to have them.
