My mother was diagnosed with Vascular dementia in 2011 and sadly passed away in 2019. It's a long and hard journey when you watch someone slowly slipping away from you.... and they know it.
So i wrote this about 5 years ago to show how a day in her life was for her and also how it had it's impact on me. All i want to add is try and understand what's happening, be tolerant and once you can accept this illness living in the person you love so much, then life can be a little easier. Enjoy the moment with them because you can't wind the clock back and don't have regrets!
Why!!
My life seems to have changed dramatically over the last 4 years because the world around me seems to have changed so much that I don’t feel part of it anymore. Things seem to move so fast now that I can’t keep up! Why can’t I keep up?
Why can’t I understand what’s on my television now? Why is it so loud and why do people speak so fast? How do I use the thing to change the channel or turn the volume down? It’s stupid because it obviously doesn’t work!
I sit with people and I don’t seem to be able take in what they are saying or talking about. I know I’m not stupid so I know it be can’t be me so…..Why don’t they talk properly so I can understand what they mean?
People seem to let me down all the time now because nothing ever happens when they tell me it will, so I get so frustrated and angry about that so why don’t they do what they say they will? Why do they lie to me?
I go to sleep and wake up in another bedroom somehow, so how does that happen. Where do I live because I don’t like this place it’s far too quiet and there’s no one around me? Why do they move me when I’m asleep because it confuses me when I wake up? Why can’t I go back to my own bed in my other place?
The other night I had to baby sit for a girl who didn’t come home at all and I was so worried …… I rang Paul in the morning to tell him about it and told him I want to go home today. Why didn’t she come home because I’m not going to babysit anymore? I don’t like it!
Someone is using my stuff in my flat because I can never find anything, I know some of them use my make -up and lipstick because they keep moving it and then hiding it from me! They even use my toothbrushes and then then hide them from me too! For some reason they keep doing it and I get so tired looking for everything every day? Why do they do it?
I don’t like where I live because it’s too quiet and I don’t think anyone else lives here, so I can’t hear a sound in the morning when I wake up! Why can’t I live with someone to keep me company and talk to me?
I’m feeling cold this morning? How do I put the heat on? ………It’s so hot in here now. I wish they would leave it alone! Who turned my radiator on? Why have they turned it off now?
I go out for lunch but food seems so different lately, no one can cook properly anymore and the meat is so tough, I chew and chew but eat so slowly my food gets cold. Why don’t they stop the draught blowing across my legs? Why can’t they cook it properly?
I like food so much and I get very hungry at times but I don’t seem to have much to eat in my kitchen because I can’t see anything, so I think they’re taking my food away from me. Why do they keep hiding my food from me?
My clothes look different too, I don’t think they are mine really, so someone must have left them in my flat obviously. Who lived here before me? Are they really mine?
I hate it when I meet people when I’m out because I know them, but I can’t remember who they are, but they seem to know me so well but are they really who I think they are? Why don’t I know who they are?
Hartlepool seems to have changed so much now because I don’t recognise places anymore, the shops seem to have moved, the roads are different, and no one has a clue where the shops are now! Where am I now and how did we get here?
Where did I put my stick?.....Where’s my handbag?...... Where’s my purse?......Where’s my money? ….Where’s my keys?..... Who’s got them?..... Why can’t I find them?
I really don’t know what’s happening lately because everything seems to be going wrong…….. why don’t I understand life anymore?……. Why doesn’t anything work properly?….. Why can’t I work anything out?
Why is the world out of step with me?
Why can’t I be me again?
So i wrote this about 5 years ago to show how a day in her life was for her and also how it had it's impact on me. All i want to add is try and understand what's happening, be tolerant and once you can accept this illness living in the person you love so much, then life can be a little easier. Enjoy the moment with them because you can't wind the clock back and don't have regrets!
Why!!
My life seems to have changed dramatically over the last 4 years because the world around me seems to have changed so much that I don’t feel part of it anymore. Things seem to move so fast now that I can’t keep up! Why can’t I keep up?
Why can’t I understand what’s on my television now? Why is it so loud and why do people speak so fast? How do I use the thing to change the channel or turn the volume down? It’s stupid because it obviously doesn’t work!
I sit with people and I don’t seem to be able take in what they are saying or talking about. I know I’m not stupid so I know it be can’t be me so…..Why don’t they talk properly so I can understand what they mean?
People seem to let me down all the time now because nothing ever happens when they tell me it will, so I get so frustrated and angry about that so why don’t they do what they say they will? Why do they lie to me?
I go to sleep and wake up in another bedroom somehow, so how does that happen. Where do I live because I don’t like this place it’s far too quiet and there’s no one around me? Why do they move me when I’m asleep because it confuses me when I wake up? Why can’t I go back to my own bed in my other place?
The other night I had to baby sit for a girl who didn’t come home at all and I was so worried …… I rang Paul in the morning to tell him about it and told him I want to go home today. Why didn’t she come home because I’m not going to babysit anymore? I don’t like it!
Someone is using my stuff in my flat because I can never find anything, I know some of them use my make -up and lipstick because they keep moving it and then hiding it from me! They even use my toothbrushes and then then hide them from me too! For some reason they keep doing it and I get so tired looking for everything every day? Why do they do it?
I don’t like where I live because it’s too quiet and I don’t think anyone else lives here, so I can’t hear a sound in the morning when I wake up! Why can’t I live with someone to keep me company and talk to me?
I’m feeling cold this morning? How do I put the heat on? ………It’s so hot in here now. I wish they would leave it alone! Who turned my radiator on? Why have they turned it off now?
I go out for lunch but food seems so different lately, no one can cook properly anymore and the meat is so tough, I chew and chew but eat so slowly my food gets cold. Why don’t they stop the draught blowing across my legs? Why can’t they cook it properly?
I like food so much and I get very hungry at times but I don’t seem to have much to eat in my kitchen because I can’t see anything, so I think they’re taking my food away from me. Why do they keep hiding my food from me?
My clothes look different too, I don’t think they are mine really, so someone must have left them in my flat obviously. Who lived here before me? Are they really mine?
I hate it when I meet people when I’m out because I know them, but I can’t remember who they are, but they seem to know me so well but are they really who I think they are? Why don’t I know who they are?
Hartlepool seems to have changed so much now because I don’t recognise places anymore, the shops seem to have moved, the roads are different, and no one has a clue where the shops are now! Where am I now and how did we get here?
Where did I put my stick?.....Where’s my handbag?...... Where’s my purse?......Where’s my money? ….Where’s my keys?..... Who’s got them?..... Why can’t I find them?
I really don’t know what’s happening lately because everything seems to be going wrong…….. why don’t I understand life anymore?……. Why doesn’t anything work properly?….. Why can’t I work anything out?
Why is the world out of step with me?
Why can’t I be me again?
