I rely on dreams now. Partner had dementia
- Thread starter kindred
- Start date
Sorry this went before I had started. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my husbands death from Alzheimer’s.
At first I thought the frozen numbness of loss would last for ever but recently I have started to thaw into humanity again and feel the grief of losing him. My dreams of him are welcome and I regard them not as cruel but as the best part of my life. who knows what part of our consciousness makes us fully human.
I work as a volunteer in the nursing home where Keith died, surrounded by love. I feel close to him there and love the staff and residents. We can smile and laugh and accept the joy of the comfort of others.
I am so grateful to this forum for seeing me through that year. With love, kindred.
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I was a bit discombobulated after your first post, so Im glad to have the main one.
Yes, I was frozen numb after mum died and it to months to start grieving.
Anniversaries are always hard
I was a bit discombobulated after your first post, so Im glad to have the main one.
Yes, I was frozen numb after mum died and it to months to start grieving.
Anniversaries are always hard
Hi Kindred, I'm sorry I don't know you or your husbands story. But I wanted to say my thoughts are with you for tomorrow. I think you volunteering at the nursing home is amazing and shows great strength of character. Yesterday my neighbour said to me ' don't forget to treat yourself, just something small, maybe a favourite food or a chat with a friend. Anything to help you on the tough days" .
I'm just over a month away from the two year anniversary of my mum's death. It can't be two years, but it is. I thought initially I would never get over the horror of it all (and a good friend reminded me of that recently), but it has got better. I am able to think of mum before dementia, rather than just the anguish of her symptoms and how hard it was, for her and for me. I managed to get a part time job a year after her death and I'm moving home soon and life just feels a little more normal, and a little happier. The anguish still pops up. Yesterday evening I was coming home after a long drive. I was tired, but thinking of what still needs clearing out, stuff I won't be taking to my new home. I thought of the incontinence stuff still in the wardrobe. Then I remembered those painfully hard sessions of changing mum, rolling her in the bed, her bewildered face as to what on earth was happening, and I got so upset. I used to think, while in the thick of it, that it would have been better for her to have died suddenly of, say, a heart attack, but although it was super hard at the time, I now feel like it brought out some kind of extra level of humanity, in both of us, and it drew us closer than anything. In a strange way a horrendous experience still had some stand out moments. It didn't seem like it at the time though!
It sounds like you are doing a rewarding role in the nursing home Kindred, it must be comforting in many ways. I agree that this forum is priceless.
It sounds like you are doing a rewarding role in the nursing home Kindred, it must be comforting in many ways. I agree that this forum is priceless.
Hello Geraldine,
I am so glad to see your post and I that you have found comfort in your invaluable work at Keith's nursing home.
I lost Joe recently, the home went into lockdown on the 12th of March and I could not visit and he died on the 4th of April.
I couldn't take clothes or see him in the chapel of rest and the worst part was having a direct cremation, I felt that I had abandoned him but there was nothing I could do about it, it has been so cruel.
The only thing that I take comfort from is that he died in the care home in his bed with caring staff around him but I should have been there with him.
I have raged and raged, how can you be with someone for 40 years and they just disappear? I visited him every day in the home for the last four and a half years and then to be denied a final goodbye, that has felt so cruel.
There has however been some peace, we live very close to a lovely church and when I spoke to the Vicar he suggested that I have Joe's ashes interred in the grounds, which I did. It was a very simple ceremony but so nice and the most important thing for me is that I have brought him home for good, that at least gives me some comfort.
Do take care Geraldine and thank you for your posts, they always helped knowing other people felt as I did on our long road through dementia.
I wish you love and peace
Kathy
I am so glad to see your post and I that you have found comfort in your invaluable work at Keith's nursing home.
I lost Joe recently, the home went into lockdown on the 12th of March and I could not visit and he died on the 4th of April.
I couldn't take clothes or see him in the chapel of rest and the worst part was having a direct cremation, I felt that I had abandoned him but there was nothing I could do about it, it has been so cruel.
The only thing that I take comfort from is that he died in the care home in his bed with caring staff around him but I should have been there with him.
I have raged and raged, how can you be with someone for 40 years and they just disappear? I visited him every day in the home for the last four and a half years and then to be denied a final goodbye, that has felt so cruel.
There has however been some peace, we live very close to a lovely church and when I spoke to the Vicar he suggested that I have Joe's ashes interred in the grounds, which I did. It was a very simple ceremony but so nice and the most important thing for me is that I have brought him home for good, that at least gives me some comfort.
Do take care Geraldine and thank you for your posts, they always helped knowing other people felt as I did on our long road through dementia.
I wish you love and peace
Kathy
Oh my dear thank you with all my heart for this, I am so sorry about Joe and all the harsh things surrounding this in lockdown.
Thank you so so much for being in touch and I am so sorry about Joe and all the harsh lockdown elements. It is so cruel as we are being denied so much. I am glad that Joe is resting in the churchyard now, that is some comfort.
It is a long and awful road through dementia and this lockdown is denying us the comfort of others. How are you? It is such a shock and as you say, someone is just not there any more.
I am so grateful to you for being in touch. Thank you with all my heart. With love, Geraldine.
Message me if you would like to.
Thank you so very much for being in touch and I am so sorry about your mum. I found your thoughts about the level of humanity very profound and wise. Thank you so much.
With love, kindred
Thank you, that is so kind. And so encouraging about my work at the lovely nursing home. Thank you, so appreciated. With love. Kindred
Iz
izzy thank you with all heart, and for all the wonderful work you do on here. With love Geraldine
Canary, thank you so much and for all your wonderful strength and help to us on here.
With love, gerakdinex
Such a positive and uplifting post.
To walk through the place where a loved one has lived and died of late and not feel the need to escape or a sense of compounded grief, indicates an understanding which will most certainly benefit those who are engaged in the caring role in the nursing home -- and enhance the lives of those residents who receive your obvious awareness of the true implications of dementia by that generosity of spirit certainly - but above all, by that very special " gift " of knowing the true depth and meaning of dementia in a loved one and sharing that awareness with residents in a way which only one who has lived that profound relationship can do.
Bless you.
Hazara, thank you with my soul for this. What wonderful and encouraging things to say.
Do you know the beautiful poem late fragment by Raymond Carver, it is minute but so comforting. I try to help the residents feel that they are still beloved on this earth. Keith loved the poem and said he most certainly felt beloved.
Thank you for all the love and wisdom you give to us on this forum. I always read a Hazara post! So helpful in this lockdown too. With love Geraldinex
Thank you very much, Geraldine.
The ' person-centred care' which is perhaps the ultimate approach in caring for those living with dementia, rings true with your own relationship with the residents you speak of.
Administering comfort and enabling someone to feel "beloved" outweighs all else in Care. That Home is indeed fortunate in having your presence and your care.
Dear Kindred - Like you, I have lost my husband - he died at the end of January. I have always followed your posts and have been helped by them. It's lovely that you are volunteering at the care home where Keith was so well looked after - you are gifted and have so much to give, bless you.
When my husband died the manager and staff asked me to consider coming back as a volunteer "when you feel ready". I visited Jimmie every day and loved getting to know and talk to all the residents and their visitors (many residents never had a visitor) and feel that I would like to volunteer but of course the Covid crisis escalated very quickly at that time so it will be a while before it would be possible for me to go into the care home.
Love from Lilac x
When my husband died the manager and staff asked me to consider coming back as a volunteer "when you feel ready". I visited Jimmie every day and loved getting to know and talk to all the residents and their visitors (many residents never had a visitor) and feel that I would like to volunteer but of course the Covid crisis escalated very quickly at that time so it will be a while before it would be possible for me to go into the care home.
Love from Lilac x
Lilac it’s so lovely to hear from you and I am so sorry about Jimmie. The manager and staff obviously value your presence so much.
I loved to hear that you are considering going back as a volunteer. It’s certainly the most rewarding work I have ever done. We have just had another volunteer come back and he is the brother of a late resident who loves the residents and the work.
Lilac if you would like to be in touch with me by message, just say, and I will message you my details, we could buddy up on our work ... no pressure.
With love and thank you so much, Geraldinex
A year ago and I can hardly believe it. I followed your story and your humanity shone through. My deepest sympathy on this sad day and wishing you strength to continue with your life with Keith virtually by your side in your thoughts and dreams. I too have a strong sense of my husband’s presence, surrounded by his belongings and journals which he kept daily for over 30 years until Alzheimer’s robbed him of his abilities. It’s coming up to six months since he died and I still feel very strange while leading my life apparently normal to most people. Like a swan, serene on the surface while paddling furiously underneath. Sue xx
Thank you so much, words of comfort do help. I in turn find my heart going out to those who are still caring for their own loved ones through this terrible disease. It is truly a labour of love whether at home or in a care home x
