Hi, my mother in law has been in a care home for dementia for 4 years. My husband and I visited her 4 times a week until lockdown happened. We are able to keep in touch by phone or video call. We don’t think MIL would cope with a video call so we have been speaking to her by phone. We have only phoned once a week as she gets very distressed . I phoned the home Sunday and asked how she was, which I always do, before asking to speak to her. I was told that she was fine so spoke to her. It was a very distressing phone call for her and myself. She said that she doesn’t like it where she is, the family she is living with are horrible to her and always shouting. They don’t feed her and she doesn’t want to go to bed as she is frightened what they might do to her. She was whispering so that she wasn’t heard and crying making me promise that I wouldn’t say anything to the family she is living with. She pleaded with me to go and get her otherwise she would slit her throat as she had something hidden in her bedroom that she could use. I was very upset that she was so distraught. I emailed the manager of the home and told him that MIL was upset every time I phoned and that this time she was distraught and threatening to slit her throat. I asked him to put a block on family speaking to her on the phone and video calls as I don’t think it’s in her best interests if calls from her family upset her. She has 3 sons including my husband and 8 grandchildren. Has anyone else had their loved one get distraught with phone calls etc from their friends and family during this pandemic? My husband has power of attorney for her health and welfare and it seems like we are not helping her but causing distress. I hope you can help us decide what to do. Thank you
Mother in law upset when I phone
- Thread starter panface
- Start date
Hello @panface. This seems a fairly common problem, so you're not alone. I used to see mum every afternoon but I have stopped trying to speak to her on the 'phone and only tried Skype once, as it distressed her horribly. For mum, I think it works best for me to call the carers every few days to check on how she is, ask them to let her know I called and send my love. I send cards/short letters and treats to her by post every week or so, which she seems to enjoy receiving. Perhaps that will work better for your mum.
Thank you, I hadn’t thought about sending her treats or letters, I will certainly try this. Another thing I thought about was to ask the care home to only give out information instead of letting relatives speak to her especially as it distressed her so. The manager said he wasn’t prepared to do this. Having power of attorney, does this mean that we can just ask carers to give out how she is? I keep thinking about how distraught she was and it was not good for her wellbeing.
Hi, I don’t have health and welfare POA but I’ve arranged to have weekly call from the home with an update on my husband, I’ve also arranged to go weekly and talk to him through a window as I was so worried about him maybe not recognising me at the end of the lockdown.
I'm not sure whether the staff can refuse to let people speak to your mum-in-law, although other members of the forum may be able to advise on that. Are you or your husband able to ask the rest of the family to try letters and cards rather than call ?
I agree with the other posters that if your calls are causing such distress then it's best to stop calling. Have you asked the other family members how your MIL is when they call as it may be that she is not the same during every call she receives. If she does react the same way then as lemonbalm has suggested, could you not just ask them to avoid calling? I think that would be the better option as care home managers don't tend to want to get drawn into any potential family disputes and asking them to block all family calls is likely to give the impression that this is something that the rest of the family might not know about or agree with.
Hi @panface. My Mum went into her CH last November. My brother and I tend to ring alternate days. I will have one call a week very similar to the ones you are having. Usually the other 2 are confused but not distressed. Brother will tend to have 1 good phone call and 2 confused calls. I was Mum’s main carer prior to CH and main visitor to CH as brother lives a good 6 hours away I do wonder if Mum can still do hostess mode with brother but doesn’t bother we me. The carers are generally lovely in the home but I think Mum saying what she says is just her saying how unhappy she is in her confused world. If the bad phone calls were more than the ok ones I do think I would stop ringing.
My husband’s 2 brothers are very selfish and I know if we suggest cards etc then they will say no! It’s easier for them to phone and distress her rather than spend time sending cards.
Hi @panface
The care home can only give out information to next of kin or POA/deputy because of confidentiality.
The best thing might be to send a group email to all the relatives (so they all know that they are not being singled out) explaining that your mum can no longer cope with phone calls and saying please send letters/cards instead. You can also send out an update (maybe monthly) yourself, giving the same sort of information that the care home would tell them, so that they feel informed.
Is the manager willing to do this? I dont think the phone calls are in her best interest either.
If the family wont stop voluntarily then I think blocking the calls is what you will have to do.
The care home can only give out information to next of kin or POA/deputy because of confidentiality.
The best thing might be to send a group email to all the relatives (so they all know that they are not being singled out) explaining that your mum can no longer cope with phone calls and saying please send letters/cards instead. You can also send out an update (maybe monthly) yourself, giving the same sort of information that the care home would tell them, so that they feel informed.
I agree that it is better to stop the calls, it is distressing for both sides.
The staff should be prepared to work with you in order to do what is in your MIL's best interests. I have finance PoA for my mother, but not Health & Welfare. Nevertheless the care home manager asked my opinion on whether someone should be allowed to contact my mother. We both agreed it would not be in her bests interests, so the calls were refused.
Did you put it to the manager that the calls distress your MIL and it is not 'in her bests interests' for her to take them? The manager may just be taking the line of least resistance because he knows the brothers will kick off about it. If you persist (and I think you should) he may agree. Put it in writing too if you have to.
The staff should be prepared to work with you in order to do what is in your MIL's best interests. I have finance PoA for my mother, but not Health & Welfare. Nevertheless the care home manager asked my opinion on whether someone should be allowed to contact my mother. We both agreed it would not be in her bests interests, so the calls were refused.
Did you put it to the manager that the calls distress your MIL and it is not 'in her bests interests' for her to take them? The manager may just be taking the line of least resistance because he knows the brothers will kick off about it. If you persist (and I think you should) he may agree. Put it in writing too if you have to.
When my mother in law was in a care home, we used to send her post cards via a smartphone app called Touchnote. You could upload your own photos of family or holidays (obviously not at the moment) for example, then send them via the phone with an appropriate message to be posted out . No need to go and search out post cards in a shop .
Thank you all so much for your replies. I am encouraged by your feelings about this. I have just messaged the manager asking him to reconsider our request for phone calls to be stopped as this would be in mil best interests. I will let you know his reply. Thank you once again
I came to this late panface so can only reiterate what everyone else has said.
I phoned my Mum the other day and she was quite distressed too and I was upset by it. As, prior to lockdown you were visiting x4 weekly it must be hard for you and MIL to adapt to things now but I assume as your Mum has been there for 4 years you must be happy with the care, in that time if things were not right you would know about it.
As another poster said maybe your MIL is different with other callers. Going 4 times a week you are obviously very involved and maybe because of that you are catching all the flak.
I know how distressing it is though because it will go over and over in your mind. Best wishes.
I phoned my Mum the other day and she was quite distressed too and I was upset by it. As, prior to lockdown you were visiting x4 weekly it must be hard for you and MIL to adapt to things now but I assume as your Mum has been there for 4 years you must be happy with the care, in that time if things were not right you would know about it.
As another poster said maybe your MIL is different with other callers. Going 4 times a week you are obviously very involved and maybe because of that you are catching all the flak.
I know how distressing it is though because it will go over and over in your mind. Best wishes.
Hi everyone, I don’t know if I have entered this in the right place!
I have had a reply from the care home manager and he will not do as we ask! He said that he would need to contact the social services safeguard team! Does anyone know what this involves please
I have had a reply from the care home manager and he will not do as we ask! He said that he would need to contact the social services safeguard team! Does anyone know what this involves please
Hi @panface, I can understand that you don't want your mother in law upset, and certainly phone calls with relatives can do it. However I don't it would be better if you contacted her other friends and relatives and came to an agreement amongst you all rather than asking the Care Home to do it. If the manager agreed to do it I could well see you ending up with major fall-outs in the family. DO you have a family WhatsApp group or similar you can discuss the pros and cons of this?
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