My brother admitted to not being happy a while ago, but I suspect he can’t see a way out
@DianeW. When you are in the middle of it, the way out is beyond you. Where will you live? How will you support yourself? What about the kids? I know, I was there once.
Over time I’ve gradually suggested how brother can start again, but it’s got to be his decision to make the break. Maybe this will show him how loved he is and how many people want to help. He has talked of leaving, but I think the idea is too scary. Not the being alone, but he has said he wouId move away and that means building up a client base, which I know with his skills wouId be easy, but now with the stroke ... but he might have to rethink things anyway as a result of that and the virus. It’s an unsettling time to be sure
Emotionally or physically abusive relationships are very hard for outsiders to comprehend. They don’t start out that way. They develop very gradually, so gradually that it’s almost unnoticeable when you are in it.
That “playful” slap that hurts, but he tells you you are being a bit pathetic. A drawer “accidentally” being shut on your fingers, while he protests it was an accident. It escalates until he has his hands round your throat against a wall. I missed all the signs with a friend. She hid it well. She believed him telling her she was imagining it, that she needed help as she was paranoid. Everyone else thought he was a great guy. She held down a stressful job, was confident, no one wouId have thought of her as a victim. But she was. I became one of three on her speed dial when she realised he was dangerous. She was one of the lucky ones. She finally saw the truth.
She then saw my situation, which I was in complete denial over, but having been there, her eyes were open. Mine was emotional. He’d tell me how friends and family thought I was “difficult”, that people pretended to like me so they could be friends with him, but they didn’t actually want me around. So I withdrew. I can tell you the loneliest place to be is in a crowded room when you believe no one wants you there
The longer it goes on, the less confidence you have. Every day is a battle to get through. That’s hard enough without trying to figure out how to get out. I did ask him to leave once, but he was so unpleasant and I believed my family wouId not help, that I gave in. I gave myself a time limit and kept plodding on. It took four years (two less than my limit), but he finally left. It was hard. Many times I wanted to slip back into placating him, just to not have to fight.
Every difficult relationship is different, but they all have a common thread. The abuser alienates family and friends, taking away emotional support. They chip away at self confidence. They blame the victim. the only thing you can do is keep telling your sister she is loved and you will be there to help in any way you can, if she decides she wants the help. If you can, have hypothetical conversations about how to get out, or tell her stories about people who have left long term relationships and survived.
