I have had two close family bereavements, but in both cases, altho' I was closely related to the person, I wasn't emotionally close. But this time, with my mother, it is very very different. I was an only child, the other boy had only lived 3 days, and I was
the answer to prayer, literally. As a result, I grew up very close to mum. Dad was there, but there was a special bond between mum and me. It was good all through
our lives.
I know sometimes people can have periods of difficulty but it was never like that with mum. She would say stuff like: "Are you not well? I dont like to see you not well " or " I loved you as soon as I saw you". And, mercifully, as the dementia took hold, she still knew me, only occasionally mistaking me for my dad-like when she said " Let's have a cuddle, not make love, just a cuddle"!!! I did worry at times if she had prepared me for the big bad world out there. A close friend recently told me that when he visited, and I was upstairs, she had asked him to look after me, something I had never known before.
Anyway, the long and the short of it is that I have never really felt grief before like this. For a month or so, I just felt relief at not having to worry over mum- was she ok? Then, slowly it changed. I started to miss what we had had before the dementia. Even with the dementia, as I say, she remained loving ( mostly! a number of times she would say You only worry about yourself or You're a ****!-hero to zero in one fell swoop!), and she showed a childlikeness that drew people to her.
She was able to go to church and daycare and a lunch club, up to a month before she passed. I know I am fortunate, blessed, even, compared to others, but, in a way, this makes the grieving worse because I dont have as many negative memories to negotiate before I get to the " good stuff". Consequently, I am thinking more about how loving she was, how she would not respond to others asking her to sip this, but when I asked, she opened her mouth readily.
I was off work for 6 weeks. I am ok at work, so far, but it only takes someone to ask how I am to unexpectedly set me off. One time I am fine, the next time it's tears. I find it a case of one step forward, two steps back.If you had asked me first thing this morning how I was, I would have said :Fine. But then , in church, (mum had asked me to start going more regularly), they sang Make me a channel of your peace, and somehow the tears started.It didn't help when the minister included me in the list of people to pray for.
People asking how I am can set me off. It was like this even when I was caring. One lovely, male carer said his heart went out to me, and that started me off. I feel as if there are all these invisible tripwires which can catch me out at any moment. I am investigating having counselling ( I had counselling over a year ago after an incident at work, triggered by having to juggle my caring and my working roles). It's just the way my emotions are up down up down and with no apparent trigger ( why should I be ok 3 times when asked how I am then the 4th time I start crying?). I know it takes time, it's just the bewilderment when you think you're not too bad and then realise you still are.. Also, I am so unfocused, I have ofetn left my key in the door, and once went down the town without my wallet. i always was absent-minded, but it's reached a new level.There, I had to get that off my chest...
the answer to prayer, literally. As a result, I grew up very close to mum. Dad was there, but there was a special bond between mum and me. It was good all through
our lives.
I know sometimes people can have periods of difficulty but it was never like that with mum. She would say stuff like: "Are you not well? I dont like to see you not well " or " I loved you as soon as I saw you". And, mercifully, as the dementia took hold, she still knew me, only occasionally mistaking me for my dad-like when she said " Let's have a cuddle, not make love, just a cuddle"!!! I did worry at times if she had prepared me for the big bad world out there. A close friend recently told me that when he visited, and I was upstairs, she had asked him to look after me, something I had never known before.
Anyway, the long and the short of it is that I have never really felt grief before like this. For a month or so, I just felt relief at not having to worry over mum- was she ok? Then, slowly it changed. I started to miss what we had had before the dementia. Even with the dementia, as I say, she remained loving ( mostly! a number of times she would say You only worry about yourself or You're a ****!-hero to zero in one fell swoop!), and she showed a childlikeness that drew people to her.
She was able to go to church and daycare and a lunch club, up to a month before she passed. I know I am fortunate, blessed, even, compared to others, but, in a way, this makes the grieving worse because I dont have as many negative memories to negotiate before I get to the " good stuff". Consequently, I am thinking more about how loving she was, how she would not respond to others asking her to sip this, but when I asked, she opened her mouth readily.
I was off work for 6 weeks. I am ok at work, so far, but it only takes someone to ask how I am to unexpectedly set me off. One time I am fine, the next time it's tears. I find it a case of one step forward, two steps back.If you had asked me first thing this morning how I was, I would have said :Fine. But then , in church, (mum had asked me to start going more regularly), they sang Make me a channel of your peace, and somehow the tears started.It didn't help when the minister included me in the list of people to pray for.
People asking how I am can set me off. It was like this even when I was caring. One lovely, male carer said his heart went out to me, and that started me off. I feel as if there are all these invisible tripwires which can catch me out at any moment. I am investigating having counselling ( I had counselling over a year ago after an incident at work, triggered by having to juggle my caring and my working roles). It's just the way my emotions are up down up down and with no apparent trigger ( why should I be ok 3 times when asked how I am then the 4th time I start crying?). I know it takes time, it's just the bewilderment when you think you're not too bad and then realise you still are.. Also, I am so unfocused, I have ofetn left my key in the door, and once went down the town without my wallet. i always was absent-minded, but it's reached a new level.There, I had to get that off my chest...