A lifelong friend and me

[Palerider]

This is such common behaviour in so called friend who have absolutely no idea how much you have been through. I`m not surprised you want to walk away from them.

I am done @Grannie G I think many friendships will now fade away as these comments were selfishly aimed by one person from many in the background. There are times when we can't be all things to all people, and right now that is me. And I was astonished to be told I was being 'selfish' and 'anti social'. There will be no going back now that is certain, but as change comes there will be pastures new and also new chances at freindship as well as a very small few old friends who have had the common decency to stand back and wait

 

[Lynmax]

I'm really sorry to hear about your housing situation, it's just so unfair when you've done so much for your mum. The "rule" that you need to be homeless before you get help is heartless but seems common practice. I don't know what your circumstances are, other than you have been living with your mum while caring for her, did you give up your own house or have you always lived in the family home? Could you afford to rent a small place privately for a short lease to give you time to think and get on an even keel?

Regarding friends who don't understand, I know exactly what you mean! Some people seem to expect us to get over emotional stress very quickly, not appreciating how long it might take and not giving us time or space to get back to normal - and what is normal anyway! Life will never be the same again, our experiences change us and we just have to accept that and adjust accordingly.

You don't have close family either to discuss things with either so I hope you do have some genuine friends who will stick by you and help you. Being a lot older than you, I find some of my friends have been though similar caring experiences and this does make it easier for us to talk.

Don't let it get you down. Take care.

 

[Pete1]

I am sick of people judging me for doing one thing in life many don't get the chance to do, and that is seeing this through to the bitter end come what may. True friends will be waiting at the end of it.

Hi @Palerider, I can relate to that - I went through the same sort of pressure. What I would say is perhaps don't judge all of those people too harshly, I did that and with hindsight I perhaps wish I hadn't. Some of those friends may just think they are doing the best for you (trying to encourage you out), but unless they have walked in those shoes they will have absolutely no understanding of the journey that you are on, and how your Mum is always on your mind even though you are not physically with her. Everything you have been through with Mum is still there and it doesn't just go away it just doesn't work like that. I hope you can sort your housing situation - it's disgraceful that you haven't got anywhere after all you have done. Stay strong - all the best.

 

[Palerider]

Hi @Palerider, I can relate to that - I went through the same sort of pressure. What I would say is perhaps don't judge all of those people too harshly, I did that and with hindsight I perhaps wish I hadn't. Some of those friends may just think they are doing the best for you (trying to encourage you out), but unless they have walked in those shoes they will have absolutely no understanding of the journey that you are on, and how your Mum is always on your mind even though you are not physically with her. Everything you have been through with Mum is still there and it doesn't just go away it just doesn't work like that. I hope you can sort your housing situation - it's disgraceful that you haven't got anywhere after all you have done. Stay strong - all the best.

Its surprising what one comment can do when already feeling overwhelmed with a multitude of problems and feeling inadeqaute already. I don't think comments like that are useful or constructive and in a way I perceive them as emotional blackmail. I won't judge thats for sure @Pete1, but I won't be as understanding in the future when the tables are turned either. I think people make assumptions all of the time, and this is one of those times where the assumption has been made that now mum is in a CH makes it all ok, which is of course the wrong assumption. I wouldn't make such comments if their child/partner or parent was unwell and in hospital, I would support their decision to focus on that until they are able to get back to normality -why is it any different in this scenario. There is one effect it has had, and that is to make me feel more inadequate than I already feel and also made me feel even more isolated. I am probably being over sensitive, but that is another excuse that is often used to field others assumptions.

As for the housing scenario its a joke. If I had the ability to buy I would, but alas the last several years has seen my own savings demise. I couldn't even reach the 5% mark at the moment with help to buy -if i qualify. Anyway what will be will be.....

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I feel like walking away from all of this -just walking out and going somewhere and starting over and not taking anything to remind me of my past life....but I am not so selfish!

What has finished me off is the persistent want of friends for me to return to my former life, and having to cope with comments such as being told 'I am anti social' these days. People want me to drop everything, and they think now mum is in a CH thats it she's written off that it all just wonderfully stops here and I just pick up the pieces from several years ago -as if -as IF.

I am sick of people judging me for doing one thing in life many don't get the chance to do, and that is seeing this through to the bitter end come what may. True friends will be waiting at the end of it.

As for housing -what one council department says isn't reflected in another department and frankly they can all jog on.

Sorry but right now isn't a high point of my life

always here for you to let off steam..

as for not the high point ...... I’d have been a lot less polite !
Xx
Ps
Vent away
((((((Hugs))))))

 

[Palerider]

I'm really sorry to hear about your housing situation, it's just so unfair when you've done so much for your mum. The "rule" that you need to be homeless before you get help is heartless but seems common practice. I don't know what your circumstances are, other than you have been living with your mum while caring for her, did you give up your own house or have you always lived in the family home? Could you afford to rent a small place privately for a short lease to give you time to think and get on an even keel?

Regarding friends who don't understand, I know exactly what you mean! Some people seem to expect us to get over emotional stress very quickly, not appreciating how long it might take and not giving us time or space to get back to normal - and what is normal anyway! Life will never be the same again, our experiences change us and we just have to accept that and adjust accordingly.

You don't have close family either to discuss things with either so I hope you do have some genuine friends who will stick by you and help you. Being a lot older than you, I find some of my friends have been though similar caring experiences and this does make it easier for us to talk.

Don't let it get you down. Take care.

I do have a small circle of close friends but they give me space and leave me too it and occasdionally drop me a line or meet up with me for coffee which is always a great inspiration to keep going. But there are those who think they are friends who think they know me and get it all so very wrong. Sometimes speaking without any thought is the problem, what seems like a harmless comment can in fact dig deep

The housing situation isn't great, as this area is very expensive to rent. I'm making a number of enquiries at the moment about alternatives in the hope something crops up....

 

[Palerider]

always here for you to let off steam..

as for not the high point ...... I’d have been a lot less polite !
Xx
Ps
Vent away
((((((Hugs))))))

Its a good job I am not making any calls today, as I am not as composed as I am normally

 

[DesperateofDevon]

It’s a very unfair situation you find yourself in, all that you have done & now... I wish I could offer a solution or do something.

is it possible to look at the mobile / chalet home options. Locally friends have purchased a brand new amazing chalet the size of a two bedroom bungalow on a holiday site & as they go away for two weeks a year off site live there permanently- not ideal I know.....

Also contact your local councillor & ask to be put on the affordable housing list - you are local ,have been a carer & work in the Health service so should get a high priority rating.

Had friends who were in a similar situation a couple of years ago & the local councillor really helped moved things in a positive direction for them.

it’s very unfair .... I’m so sorry you are now dealing with this.
(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
Seem inadequate xxxx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Its a good job I am not making any calls today, as I am not as composed as I am normally

You sound like you need a good brisk walk/ stomp, I pace the house & clean lots of bleach - it’s meant to neutralise bad vibes I was told once!

hence I singularly manage to keep the chemical industry afloat- along with the scented candle industry!

I’m off to ikea to replenish candle stocks!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I don't think you can ever go back. A few years of dementia in your life changes you forever. I'd liken it to expecting a soldier to forget his/her war experiences on returning home.

Someone said to me recently, 'Why do you still visit the dementia forum now your mum's dead? I would have thought you'd just be glad to forget it all now.' And there is sometimes annoyance now, if I talk about dementia, as though they were prepared to tolerate it a bit while mum was in the CH, but now she's gone, sheesh - who wants to hear that stuff?

What can you say? Sometimes it's not possible to explain and you don't want to have to explain either.

But there are a lot of understanding people on your side here

 

[Palerider]

I don't think you can ever go back. A few years of dementia in your life changes you forever. I'd liken it to expecting a soldier to forget his/her war experiences on returning home.

Someone said to me recently, 'Why do you still visit the dementia forum now your mum's dead? I would have thought you'd just be glad to forget it all now.' And there is sometimes annoyance now, if I talk about dementia, as though they were prepared to tolerate it a bit while mum was in the CH, but now she's gone, sheesh - who wants to hear that stuff?

What can you say? Sometimes it's not possible to explain and you don't want to have to explain either.

But there are a lot of understanding people on your side here

I think you have captured the essence of what it is about this life journey, and I don't think anyone can ever really appreciate loosing someone to this dreadful disease until they have walked the path themselves.

I am more determined than ever to continue this journey and see it through and to be there for someone who has always been there for me, its not up for debate or open to being challenged

 

[Palerider]

It’s a very unfair situation you find yourself in, all that you have done & now... I wish I could offer a solution or do something.

is it possible to look at the mobile / chalet home options. Locally friends have purchased a brand new amazing chalet the size of a two bedroom bungalow on a holiday site & as they go away for two weeks a year off site live there permanently- not ideal I know.....

Also contact your local councillor & ask to be put on the affordable housing list - you are local ,have been a carer & work in the Health service so should get a high priority rating.

Had friends who were in a similar situation a couple of years ago & the local councillor really helped moved things in a positive direction for them.

it’s very unfair .... I’m so sorry you are now dealing with this.
(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
Seem inadequate xxxx

I once pinned a musical wand to the wall at work and wrote above it 'Magic Wand' and below it 'press once for assitance' -it would be very handy right now

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I once pinned a musical wand to the wall at work and wrote above it 'Magic Wand' and below it 'press once for assitance' -it would be very handy right now

Honestly sweetheart I wish I could help, but if you ever need accommodation in Devon we have a spare room
Xx

 

[Palerider]

Today I drove down to my pre-appraisal meeting with my senior consultant and had a good meeting (there is light somewhere in this mess). She bought a book she really wanted to give me and wrote a special message inside the front cover (which I won't share if you don't mind). The book is called, 'The boy, the mole, the fox and ther horse' by Charlie Mackery and its fab, I recommend it to fellow forum members., cheered me up no end in the gloom of everything thus far.

I went to visit mum and made some additions to her room which she loved including a special picture of hers which she knew straight away. I took some jam doughnuts (yes) and she was tired, so I got her ready for bed and then tucked her in and kissed her goodnight to which she replied 'thank you Simon, I'll see you in the morning' -says it all really

I have ditched my other battles and decided to rest over the weekend and pick up on things next week -no point in wasting energy over the weekend as there isn't much I can do till Monday.

 

[Sam Luvit]

I once pinned a musical wand to the wall at work and wrote above it 'Magic Wand' and below it 'press once for assitance' -it would be very handy right now

so that’s where the magic wand has been @Palerider ... please go retrieve it ... plenty of people need it

Have a quick wave around for yourself, you deserve it

On the subject of housing ... get yourself on the list. You need to have lived in the area for 4 years, it may go up again, but if you have lived there the required number of years, you can go on the list. As with anything, it’s a points system. The more points you have, the higher up the list you go. However ... just because you are not in the top section, doesn’t mean you can’t get a place. If the people at the top don’t want somewhere (it’s too far from school, shops etc), it can become available to those further down the list.

I know one young couple, both living at home with their respective parents, who wanted to move in together, who were offered a flat after 18 months. Another single girl, who also was offered a flat. You just need to look at the things that get you points and prove you have them ... your GP can help

I understand how infuriating it is, how it just doesn’t seem right, but when you are asking because you are homeless, the council can’t view you are “going to be homeless”, they can only do that on the day you are. Think of it this way ... if you put your mums house on the market & get an offer today, it will take an average of 4 months to completion. You have a place to live for the next 4 months (minimum), but someone else may be on the street tomorrow. If the council give you a flat today, they can’t give that flat to the homeless person tomorrow.

As for “friends”, the real true ones will understand, the rest phhhhh. I had one who was so excited about me moving back to the area, but then became “busy” as soon as Alzheimer’s was realised, then .... after the funeral made a crass comment about being able to meet up as I’d have time now I suspect my caustic reply about why I now had time might be the reason she’s not attempted any arrangements

You are not anti social, you are still caring, while attempting to sort your own life out and adjusting. True friends will understand that

 

[Palerider]

so that’s where the magic wand has been @Palerider ... please go retrieve it ... plenty of people need it

Have a quick wave around for yourself, you deserve it

On the subject of housing ... get yourself on the list. You need to have lived in the area for 4 years, it may go up again, but if you have lived there the required number of years, you can go on the list. As with anything, it’s a points system. The more points you have, the higher up the list you go. However ... just because you are not in the top section, doesn’t mean you can’t get a place. If the people at the top don’t want somewhere (it’s too far from school, shops etc), it can become available to those further down the list.

I know one young couple, both living at home with their respective parents, who wanted to move in together, who were offered a flat after 18 months. Another single girl, who also was offered a flat. You just need to look at the things that get you points and prove you have them ... your GP can help

I understand how infuriating it is, how it just doesn’t seem right, but when you are asking because you are homeless, the council can’t view you are “going to be homeless”, they can only do that on the day you are. Think of it this way ... if you put your mums house on the market & get an offer today, it will take an average of 4 months to completion. You have a place to live for the next 4 months (minimum), but someone else may be on the street tomorrow. If the council give you a flat today, they can’t give that flat to the homeless person tomorrow.

As for “friends”, the real true ones will understand, the rest phhhhh. I had one who was so excited about me moving back to the area, but then became “busy” as soon as Alzheimer’s was realised, then .... after the funeral made a crass comment about being able to meet up as I’d have time now I suspect my caustic reply about why I now had time might be the reason she’s not attempted any arrangements

You are not anti social, you are still caring, while attempting to sort your own life out and adjusting. True friends will understand that

I have found a pic of the Magic Wand, I stand corrected in what I wrote around it. It amazingly survived a year before being removed -clearly it was much needed

 

[Sam Luvit]

That’s put a smile on my face @Palerider ....

 

[Palerider]

Glad to hear that your Mum is more settled and lucid.
Sorry to hear that all the other is tough going whether it is traffic snarl ups or incompetent council departments and everything in the middle. Not surprised that this is not a good point in your life. Some times we don’t need anymore challenges (hassles/problems) we just want a bit of peace to have a breathing space and build up reserves to start fighting again. Take care

Thanks @Bikerbeth -its not all so bad I guess, where there is a will there is a way. But there are lessons here for others who are in a similar situation which I'll write about another time. Even though things aren't great I wouldn't have not helped mum and that is what matters to me more than anything else

 

[Palerider]

I don't have much else to say other than repeating a song I posted last night, because it conveys more than I can write in any meaningful way right now.....

 

[Pete1]

I won't judge thats for sure @Pete1, but I won't be as understanding in the future when the tables are turned either.

That is exactly how I have approached it @Palerider, after initially going off at the deep end that is! The only plus point is the friendships from those that have been supportive (and some surprising and unexpected people) are stronger than ever.

I couldn't even reach the 5% mark at the moment with help to buy -if i qualify. Anyway what will be will be.....

I met with the Nationwide yesterday who mentioned in conversation they are bringing a mortgage product to market that is 0% deposit. This whole situation of carers being financially crippled is disgraceful - but nothing will be done about it.

On the positive, it sounds as though your Mum is content, which at the end of the day has always been what you have always strived for. Take care - all the best.