Hello everyone. I have stumbled on to this site and decided to register. My husband was diagnosed with AD in September 2019, though I suspected it for about 18 months prior to that. I am struggling as he is just not the same person - he is being verbally aggressive at times and I can't even ask if he has taken his medication without him getting very annoyed at me. I went to bed late on Christmas day, he was already asleep and as I lay down I thought ,"I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I would rather just die." My mother died in 2001, having been diagnosed with AD 5 years earlier, so I know exactly what we are in for. As we have some savings and own our own home I know that we will have to self fund everything. I won't just lose the man I have been married to for 47 years, but probably all we worked for together too! The information pack given to me by the Memory Clinic doctor, just left me sobbing at 2 in the morning. I know I am being selfish and moaning, after all, as he says, there is nothing wrong with me, but I don't know how I am going to get through this, I wish I could "fast forward". I am so sorry to rant like this
New to this forum, am struggling
- Thread starter Wakky
- Start date
Hello @Wakky and welcome to DTP
Im so sorry that your husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, especially having had to go through it all already with your mum. You are not being selfish at all - you are just overwhemed, which is quite natural.
I am always concerned about aggression (even if its only verbal) and I would suggest that you contact the memory clinc, or get the GP to refer him to the Community Psychiatric Team, to see if medication could be given to calm him dowm. As an aside - did the aggression start just after he was prescribed medication? Donepezil (Aricept) especially can sometimes cause aggression as a side-effect
I do think that you should try and get extra help. You say that you will be self-funded as you have savings and own your own home, but all the while you, as a spouse, are living in the home it is disregarded and no-one will ask you to sell it
As to savings - it us only his saving (or 50% of joint ones) that are counted and if this comes to under £25,000 you will start to get the Local Authority paying towards it.
You can Social Services for a needs assessment for him and a carers assessment for you
Im so sorry that your husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, especially having had to go through it all already with your mum. You are not being selfish at all - you are just overwhemed, which is quite natural.
I am always concerned about aggression (even if its only verbal) and I would suggest that you contact the memory clinc, or get the GP to refer him to the Community Psychiatric Team, to see if medication could be given to calm him dowm. As an aside - did the aggression start just after he was prescribed medication? Donepezil (Aricept) especially can sometimes cause aggression as a side-effect
I do think that you should try and get extra help. You say that you will be self-funded as you have savings and own your own home, but all the while you, as a spouse, are living in the home it is disregarded and no-one will ask you to sell it
As to savings - it us only his saving (or 50% of joint ones) that are counted and if this comes to under £25,000 you will start to get the Local Authority paying towards it.
You can Social Services for a needs assessment for him and a carers assessment for you
Thank you for your kind reply (am crying again!) Yes, it does seem to have happened since he started the Donepezil. The nurse is coming on the 16th January to review the dose as she was unwilling to increase to 10mg due to a couple of side effects. I will try to speak to her alone as I know he hates me talking about things.
Hello @Wakky
A warm welcome from me too
I too am concerned about any form of aggression. Call or email the nurse and explain your worries, it may be that you can reduce the dosage now to see if it makes a difference though don't do this without checking first.
For info about finances, these pages on the main As site may help
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care
A warm welcome from me too
I too am concerned about any form of aggression. Call or email the nurse and explain your worries, it may be that you can reduce the dosage now to see if it makes a difference though don't do this without checking first.
For info about finances, these pages on the main As site may help
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care
Thank you for your reply. He is on the lowest dose at present so couldn't reduce, only stop and I wouldn't do that. I know he has missed taking them a couple of times, but when I ask him, he gives me a long and heated explanation as to why there are more left than there should be and that he HAS taken them using his own system! He wont let me give them to him. I am told he is in the early stages of AD, though I can see he is worse now than in September. If this is only early stages, God help me. People who are not with him all the time say they haven't particularly noticed anything, though he never gets angry in front of other people. I hope the nurse has some suggestions. I really am sorry to keep going on - I know everyone else is coping with similar problems.
The fact that everyone is coping with similar problems is what makes TP so good!! So never worry about taking about your troubles and fears!! People like to help if they can!! I don’t blame you for feeling as you do, especially if you’ve had previous experience with your Mother. My husband was diagnosed with AD in early 2017, and I had no idea what I would be dealing with!!! I’ve had plenty of days when I wish I could be out of here, but we plod on !! Regarding the possible side effects of the medication, my husband was given Aricept and it caused him to have severe cramps in his legs at night, and we reported it to the Memory Clinic doctor, who fairly quickly changed him onto Rivastigmine. That suited him much better for quite a time. Later, as the disease developed, he became, and sometimes continues to be verbally aggressive, so our GP referred him to the Psychiatric Team, and they now try all sorts to try to help!! It’s not easy, but they do try to help me.
I used to worry about speaking to doctors etc., when in front of my husband. If needs be you could write a note explaining your worries and pass it to the nurse when she arrives. She could quickly read it.
Hello @Wakky
I think the earliest stages can present the most difficulties while medication is being sorted. At this stage, the person with dementia has insight and is affected by fear and may be defensive.
Even so, aggressive behaviour is unacceptable and the time when you are within your rights to ask for support.
As @jenniferjean suggested you can put your concerns in writing. I used to put all my concerns in writing and send them prior to an appointment .
My husband was diagnosed 3.5 years ago now, he was verbally and physically aggressive my life was a nightmare I would cry most days as I couldn’t cope with him. He was under the mental health team who gave him mementine at first and it did work well for about 6 months. He has vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. They then tried antidepressants which helped a bit they did make him sleep more so i got a rest. Then it was risperidone which calmed him down and did help with the aggression. But it didn’t last and the dose had to be increased every 3 months.
He is now in a care home and is quite settled, I don’t think he would be totally happy anywhere now. But I feel better I have control over my life and can go out spend time with my baby grandson which he didn’t want me to give anyone attention other than him.
he is clean now and more talkative.
He is now in a care home and is quite settled, I don’t think he would be totally happy anywhere now. But I feel better I have control over my life and can go out spend time with my baby grandson which he didn’t want me to give anyone attention other than him.
he is clean now and more talkative.
hi @Wakky
please, 'go on' here about anything that's on your mind ... that's what DTP is for
might you ask for your husband's meds to be delivered in regular blister dosette packs (home carers will need this so wouldn't be a bad idea to get used to them) .. if he asks about them, tell him it's a new recommendation from the GP practice so you have to accept it ... dad even had his delivered to his house by the pharmacy
you might also look at Admiral Nurses, as they are there to support the carer
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
please, 'go on' here about anything that's on your mind ... that's what DTP is for
might you ask for your husband's meds to be delivered in regular blister dosette packs (home carers will need this so wouldn't be a bad idea to get used to them) .. if he asks about them, tell him it's a new recommendation from the GP practice so you have to accept it ... dad even had his delivered to his house by the pharmacy
you might also look at Admiral Nurses, as they are there to support the carer
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
Thank you all so much for your responses. My husband still thinks everything he says is perfectly normal and rational and I have been advised it is best not to argue with him, although he says I am arguing even if I agree with him! I am going to wait for the community nurse next week and see what she says, he seems to have got much worse so quickly! He doesn't show this nastiness in front of others, so I find it diffiucult to explain it
Thank you, I've watched it. My husband is in the early stages, I'M told, so when he's having a go at me, it feels like "him" having a go, not the person who is not like him having a completely nasty irrational argument with me. He has already changed, though his behaviour is not at the level of the woman in the clip. Thank you for advising me to watch it - maybe my husband is scared because he can't make sense of some things and an argument or insisting everyone else is wrong is his way of dealing with it. I am scared too, but I shall try to think more about what it is like from his point of view.
Dear @Wakky, Yes do try to see things from your hubbys point of view but do not dwell too long in it. You and your needs are important too...just as valid, just as real. I used to stand outside my back door and shout at a tree in the garden (yes its true) when things got bad with my mum. how daft and irrational is that?
Hi Wakky and welcome to TP. None of us can pretend it’s not a tough road ahead and I understand absolutely what you say about wanting to fast forward. I’m sure you will find lots of your questions and worries have answers on here.
Re talking to doctors etc. Have you done Powers of Attourney? If your husband is resistant you could suggest you both do them. Once you have the care POA you can speak to medical staff about your husband. Your GP can also register you as his carer so they can liaise with you about his care. Even if, as in my case, it’s sometimes phone calls out of his ear shot.
Look after yourself
Re talking to doctors etc. Have you done Powers of Attourney? If your husband is resistant you could suggest you both do them. Once you have the care POA you can speak to medical staff about your husband. Your GP can also register you as his carer so they can liaise with you about his care. Even if, as in my case, it’s sometimes phone calls out of his ear shot.
Look after yourself
Hello Wakky, and everyone else here too First of all Happy New Year. I watched the video, set in a care home environment. Not always quite so easy in a home environment. Basically we are all between a rock and a hard place, even more so if you are sole carer. The only advice I feel qualified to give after nearly 8 years of really challenging situations is take a deep breath, hold it for 10 seconds, then realise it is the disease talking, and not the PWD. Always try to see a light at the end of the tunnel, there always is one even if you can't see it yet.
Keep smiling,
malomm.
Keep smiling,
malomm.
A small piece of advice, but something I have found helpful:
Saying "no" to my OH was like waving a red rag to a bull, so what I do is never use the word "no", even if I was actually saying no. I start the sentence with saying "yes" and then say what I have to eg yes, we can do [x, y or z] tomorrow (when he wants to go NOW..
He used to be obsessed with the thought that I was trying to control him and every time we had a discussion, if I dared to have a different idea, he would interpret it as me telling him what to think. I have pretty much stopped talking to him now unless it is something that he needs to know and he does not tell me anything much unless I ask him, so there is a lot of silence now, but at least he no longer rages at me.
Saying "no" to my OH was like waving a red rag to a bull, so what I do is never use the word "no", even if I was actually saying no. I start the sentence with saying "yes" and then say what I have to eg yes, we can do [x, y or z] tomorrow (when he wants to go NOW..
He used to be obsessed with the thought that I was trying to control him and every time we had a discussion, if I dared to have a different idea, he would interpret it as me telling him what to think. I have pretty much stopped talking to him now unless it is something that he needs to know and he does not tell me anything much unless I ask him, so there is a lot of silence now, but at least he no longer rages at me.
Hi Wakky, I too am new to this site, not a club we want to be a member of, but knowledge and support gives you strength. Before my partner was diagnosed I thought of leaving, his personality changed, or maybe more accurately his faults were exaggerated. It was almost a relief to get the diagnosis. Anxiety was through the roof, small problems became massive and totally out of proportion. I didn’t know where to turn. I went to the gp and poured my story to her. The end result was medication for my partner, mirtazapine, an anti depressant but also aids sleep. It was a life saver. I won’t hesitate to go back if I feel the meds need increased etc. I’m sure you will find a way through , it helps to know you are not alone.
