A lifelong friend and me

[Palerider]

Thanks @Cat27 @Shedrech @Bikerbeth and @DesperateofDevon -it was a strangely peaceful day for both mum and myself. I took comfort in the fact she was happy in her own world and after a teary moment or two I resolved as well. @Shedrech -yes I agree mum has had a good life, hard at times but good none-the-less and she would think on the same lines. She also would not have wanted me to continue being stressed and struggling to care for her as her illness gets worse, I know deep down she would not want that at all -the trouble is we carers find it hard to let go, to allow ourselves to say when things have become too much. I guess where we are now is balance of the two, its not perfect, but its better than the direction we were going in before the CH (if that makes sense).

I made a quick visit yesterday before lunch and mum was fine and wearing her new trousers, she said they were very comfortable and could she have another pair. As I am going back to M&S today to return my own trousers (which annoyngly don't fit despite being the right size) I will pick up another pair for her. Tempting to take her with me, but the last time I took her she caused mayhem in the gents toilets (yes she went in th mens loos thinking it was the womens and I couldn't get her out) -nightmare moment and lesson learned

 

[Palerider]

Well the visit to M&S was a speedy one, managed to exchange my trousers and then go on the shop for another pair of mums trousers and on the way round a few things dropped into the trolley (I don't know how that happened). Managed to find a decent pair of trousers for myself though more expensive -tut!.

So mum, after my shop now has a few more items for her room including one of those smelly bottles with sticks (night lavender) and some tissues (which no doubt will find their way to another residents room).

There are problems that seem to be centred around one or two carers that I have picked up on -waiting to see how things pan out.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thanks @Cat27 @Shedrech @Bikerbeth and @DesperateofDevon -it was a strangely peaceful day for both mum and myself. I took comfort in the fact she was happy in her own world and after a teary moment or two I resolved as well. @Shedrech -yes I agree mum has had a good life, hard at times but good none-the-less and she would think on the same lines. She also would not have wanted me to continue being stressed and struggling to care for her as her illness gets worse, I know deep down she would not want that at all -the trouble is we carers find it hard to let go, to allow ourselves to say when things have become too much. I guess where we are now is balance of the two, its not perfect, but its better than the direction we were going in before the CH (if that makes sense).

I made a quick visit yesterday before lunch and mum was fine and wearing her new trousers, she said they were very comfortable and could she have another pair. As I am going back to M&S today to return my own trousers (which annoyngly don't fit despite being the right size) I will pick up another pair for her. Tempting to take her with me, but the last time I took her she caused mayhem in the gents toilets (yes she went in th mens loos thinking it was the womens and I couldn't get her out) -nightmare moment and lesson learned

Sorry but you couldn’t get her out of the gents loos!
Oh my ...! is it wrong that I giggled! ????

must have been traumatic at the time but...

it takes something to make me giggle at the moment , so thank you xx & your lovely mum xxx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Well the visit to M&S was a speedy one, managed to exchange my trousers and then go on the shop for another pair of mums trousers and on the way round a few things dropped into the trolley (I don't know how that happened). Managed to find a decent pair of trousers for myself though more expensive -tut!.

So mum, after my shop now has a few more items for her room including one of those smelly bottles with sticks (night lavender) and some tissues (which no doubt will find their way to another residents room).

There are problems that seem to be centred around one or two carers that I have picked up on -waiting to see how things pan out.

Sainsbury’s regularly sell off their smelly sticks, & I stock up on supplies for Mum ( & I used to for Dad )

the tea scented ones are strangely calming !

Ref trousers:
Maybe you tried on a Friday afternoon pair? xx

 

[Pete1]

I had thought about taking her home for Christmas dinner, but I decided it wasn't the right thing to do as mum would probably want to stay at home having been triggered by familiar things.

Hi @Palerider, that was a sensible decision as it sounds as though your Mum is comfortable now in her own world, which is really all you can ask. It is always painful thinking of times past. I wish you all the best - what a tough year you have had.

 

[canary]

Christmas becomes very strange in Dementialand, doesnt it?
It sounds to me as though it went as well as could be.
Sounds like a good shopping trip

OH once went into the ladies and I had to rescue him..........

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Christmas becomes very strange in Dementialand, doesnt it?
It sounds to me as though it went as well as could be.
Sounds like a good shopping trip

OH once went into the ladies and I had to rescue him..........

I think there is something wrong with me seriously, I’ve got the giggles!
Rescued from the ladies...

Apologies again......

 

[annielou]

Bless all the wrong loo goers
My mum pre dementia was well known for going into wrong loos. Almost everytime we went in a little chef (which for quite a few years was about every two months) mum would try go in first door on toilet corridor which was usually the gents. Most of the time I went with her and managed to stop her before she got inside but a few times she went fully in and occassionaly surprised the males inside.
Once she went loo on her own and shortly after a man came into restaurant part red faced followed by mum saying 'ooh I'm sorry love don't worry I dint see owt' his family thought it was hilarious. The man didn't and mum was so embarrassed she sat back down with us and forgot to go to loo.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Bless all the wrong loo goers
My mum pre dementia was well known for going into wrong loos. Almost everytime we went in a little chef (which for quite a few years was about every two months) mum would try go in first door on toilet corridor which was usually the gents. Most of the time I went with her and managed to stop her before she got inside but a few times she went fully in and occassionaly surprised the males inside.
Once she went loo on her own and shortly after a man came into restaurant part red faced followed by mum saying 'ooh I'm sorry love don't worry I dint see owt' his family thought it was hilarious. The man didn't and mum was so embarrassed she sat back down with us and forgot to go to loo.

Ok now my side hurt!
Oh how lovely
Thank you folks this is much needed
Xx

 

[canary]

Its the sort thing that you have to laugh at.
At least OH didnt try and pee in the sink

 

[annielou]

@DesperateofDevon these posts cheered me up too
@canary

 

[Bikerbeth]

Indeed a welcome laugh

 

[Palerider]

Sorry but you couldn’t get her out of the gents loos!
Oh my ...! is it wrong that I giggled! ????

must have been traumatic at the time but...

it takes something to make me giggle at the moment , so thank you xx & your lovely mum xxx

ROFL - it wasn't so traumatic for me or mum but it was for the men as a few commented "there's a women in the mens" -oh dear I thought. Mum had pleasantly walked in and locked herself in a cubicle. I think my one liner at the time went something like "erm I think thats my mum in there". The one time you just don't need attention being drawn to a situation is the one time it happens. Managed to undo the cubicle door with a two pence peice and evacuate the scene of the crime pdq.

 

[Palerider]

Hi @Palerider, that was a sensible decision as it sounds as though your Mum is comfortable now in her own world, which is really all you can ask. It is always painful thinking of times past. I wish you all the best - what a tough year you have had.

Yes not an easy year @Pete1, mum is ok and settled and I can leave the CH without any problems. In the end its the carers who really struggle I think. When I move from here which will be in the next few months I may bring mum to my new place for Sunday dinner, but we shall see how things pan out.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I often thought of bringing Dad to mine for an afternoon,but as taking him out got harder I chickened out. I couldn’t face Dad asking to stay or be taken home; I was afraid of what memories it would trigger & that he would hate me for putting him in a home.

I still feel torn & don’t know if I did the right things, but I was so scared of the possible questions...

I truly admire you @Palerider
X

 

[Palerider]

Today I took mum out for the usual, which she enjoyed. I am pleased to announce mum is now finally on water tablets (after my raising this over a week before Christmas) and hey presto her leg swelling is reducing as well as her breathlessness, the downside is that she is getting through large quantities of underwear -but she seemed much better! Next time I need to cover the car seat as the water tablets are very effective ...ahem!

I put some fresh flowers in her room and the scenty thing with the sticks is doing a fine job in the room. Mum has three boxes of chocolates (xmas presents) which she seems to be working through on what I think is a rotational basis -though I can't be sure.

I have been informed today that mum has taken a shine to one of the night care workers who she is convinced is called Simon. I am told he has now been nick named after me. I must say Simon is a fine name, if I don't say so myself

Its not perfect though, there are problems and as much as some of the agency staff are lovely, they do need prompting and not just with my mum ...'nough said.

 

[Sarasa]

Glad you had as good a time as you could with your mum at Christmas. Are you still thinking of a move, or do you think now she's settled a bit more she'll be OK where she is? I've never thought of fresh flowers for mum's room. Maybe that is something to consider.

 

[Palerider]

Glad you had as good a time as you could with your mum at Christmas. Are you still thinking of a move, or do you think now she's settled a bit more she'll be OK where she is? I've never thought of fresh flowers for mum's room. Maybe that is something to consider.

Hi @Sarasa -I don't know yet if I will move her. I do have issues with some of the senior care workers in the way how they speak to residents, they are not uncaring at all, but they don't realise correcting someone with advancing dementia is entirely pointless and triggers negative reactions. Today for example, one of the senior care workers tried to correct mum and tell her that I am not her husband but her son, which only aggravated mum -an unecessary trigger. I qoushed it by saying it doesn't matter and why correct someone who can't process information anymore?

The place I want to move mum to has a different outlook and a better all round approach, so I'm still mulling it all over. Mum said she doesn't like the home, she doesn't know why, but also she doesn't want to be alone either, so its a case of re-assessing, but I think on balance I have to weigh how mum would fit better into another CH. At the end of the day, they are being paid to address residents needs and mums hard earned money will be paying for it.

 

[Sarasa]

Hmmm I'd think I'd be a bit concerned about carers not understanding correcting your mum won't get them anywhere, as it seems to display a woeful lack of knowledge about dementia. However I guess it depends on how well she's settled, if you think they can meet her further needs and whether you think it would cause too much upheaval to move her.

 

[Palerider]

Hmmm I'd think I'd be a bit concerned about carers not understanding correcting your mum won't get them anywhere, as it seems to display a woeful lack of knowledge about dementia. However I guess it depends on how well she's settled, if you think they can meet her further needs and whether you think it would cause too much upheaval to move her.

My mind isn't made up yet. I do like the care home and I like the permanent staff, even though some of them need educating around dementia and communication. Equally mum is very well liked by the staff even when she is having a 'bad mood day', but I also have to consider any triggers that might cause mum to become agitated/aggressive, which includes lack of staff training or poor staffing levels.

I've looked at the CQC report, the latest was published after mum moved in. The CH has dropped from 'good' to 'needs improvement' -most of these concerns were over staffing, staff retainment and training.

Mum is a reactive creature in her soul, if someone treats her badly, she will fight back -and she has always been that way